Chapter 1

Feelings

I’m Shilou Flores, a second-year college student of Education. I’m a working student, work at weekdays and study at weekend. I’m a student of a private school in Butuan City, Philippines.

As a working student. My school is only at Sunday. While at weekdays, it’s my working days. I started to be a working student when I was first year high school.

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It was a tiring, boring and lonely Sunday for me today. No work and since my auntie weren’t planing on going somewhere so we just stayed at our house. Scrolling at f******k, go to tiktok, back to f******k while laying is the only thing what I’m doing now. When I got tired of scrolling at those apps, I decided to go to app store and look for an app that can decrease my boredom. While scrolling, I found game apps and I downloaded some of it. Not satisfied enough, I continued scrolling and came across a weird app. As curiosity is coating me, I downloaded it and try it.

At first, I’m a bit out of it, because I don’t kind of understand the game. First thing I thought maybe it’s just a game so I just continue checking it. As there is a game, I try to join that game and find out that it’s a picking to kiss game. There’s a cycle of people from different countries in that room and there’s a bottle between those boxes of people.

I just stay there and watch what they do. And as I already got the mechanics, when it’s my turn I played too.

I checked every people that was there and had an idea who they are. As I was checking, I saw one man that caught my attention. And then when it’s my turn to spin the bottle, it stopped directly to that man. And as we both are picked, I’m being asked if I want to kiss that man, and I picked yes, turns out he choose yes too. And as the game continues, I got picked sometimes and just pick yes if I like too.

When I got bored of that room, I exited it and when I exited, I saw my inbox with some messages. I checked the messages and a bit shocked when I saw his profile there, so I opened every chat until I ended to him.

As we chatted there, we exchanged topics until he asked for my I***agram account, and I willingly just give it to him. Minutes later I get a message on I***a and it’s him. We started communicating in I***a. Exchanged topics, shares a few things about our lives. As we were chatting there, at some point, he sent pics of him, and he asked mine so I just sent mine too. We were chatting lively until I get tired in i*******m, I asked for his F******k account. And he gives it to me, and we became friends in f******k. We chatted too in messenger and I get to know more about him. We get to know each other more.

His name is Kier Ashton Calamba. He’s 23 years old and a college student. He’s from Bangladesh and a student of Daffodil International University. As days comes, we’re still intact. At those days, I began to like him as a man. I get to laugh because of him. I smiled because of him. He made me feel special at those days.

Until one day, we talk about some sexual topics and we came across at point that he wants me to send n*d* pics. And when I said no. He was okay with it and he began to ask again and I came to say a word that I didn’t really regret saying it. ‘Self-respect’. He was offended not because I said no. But he was offended because of my word.

I know he felts bad about that because he told me so. So, after saying sorry, I just let him be. And then the next day the ignoring treatment began. He ignored me, doesn’t chat me and such. It’s suffocating to think that he is now ignoring me. I began to overthink things.

After one week, he came back on chatting me again, we talk but not as the same as before. We’re just communicating online so it’s hard to tell if what is he really up to. He made me feel safe, he made me feel special. But would sometimes made me feel that he just wanted to have fun with me. And it’s confusing. As an overthinker person, I overthink things so much.

After one week of not having a conversation, he chatted me…

Him: ‘Hey Shil.’

I didn’t reply to him fast, I just let two hours pass before I replied...

Me: ‘Hmm?’

Him: ‘How are you?

I left his message hang and just went to sleep. When morning came, that’s when I reply to him...

Me: ‘I’m good.’

Him: ‘Are you ignoring me?’

I was a bit shocked. Wow?

I want to complain but just decided to reply simply... ‘Are you?’

After a minute he replied… ‘No, these days I was busy.’

I smiled wryly at his reply. He always says that as his excuses every time. I clicked my tongue and just replied, ‘Ohm. Okay.’

After reading the last message I sent he began explaining to me what he had been busy with these past few days. Saying that they had a festival. I kind a have a doubt, I believe that he is busy but then he’s sometimes online and even viewed my stories so, yeah, I have a doubt. But then I just continue chatting with him.

After a little understanding, he wants to leave because he had to sleep, he said. Since we’re both living in a different countries, we have different time management.

He even reassures me first before leaving. I just responded to him, ‘I didn’t know that you were busy, and I was just waiting for you to chat, I even thought that maybe you were ignoring me.’

His reply was quick, ‘Why would i?’.

I just answered ‘I was just thinking that maybe’.

The typing icon popped up, showing that he’s replying. ‘Why didn’t you even just hit me up first, though?’

‘I’m afraid you might think of me as an annoying lady. I was used to waiting for everyone to hit me up first.’

He responded with more consoling messages. But as he said earlier, he needed to sleep already so I urged him to go ahead.

Him: ‘So miss, allow me. And remember, don’t overthink, okay? I didn’t ignore you and I won’t. You’re a dearest friend of mine. 😇 I won’t hurt you. Ever. So, don’t think stupid things. 😒 And no, you’re not annoying to me.’

I couldn’t help but laugh drastically at his reply because I don’t know what to say at this point. Especially that ‘dearest friend’. Not knowing what’s supposed to say so I just replied, ‘Understood sir.’

And he responded ... ‘That’s like my Shilou. 😁’ and I answered ‘hahaha’ only.

And he responded, ‘Take care of yourself. And don’t hesitate to text me. Again, you are not annoying to me. 😊’

Yeah, right.

I don’t know what to feel anymore, at that point I’m thinking that maybe there really is something but then I get to remember that he said I’m just a ‘dearest friend’ for him. And I accept it, I don’t mind if I’m just a friend to him. As to me, I like him and it’s okay if he doesn’t reciprocate my feelings. I’m good at that. I can be selfless and give him love even if he doesn’t give it back to me.

I decided to just watch him from afar. I believe I can do one-sided love. It’s funny to meet someone from a high-tech way of soul-searching because somehow, it’s too clingy and cliché to understand how a relationship must start, and so, our communication started from simple ‘hi’ and ‘hello’.

Despite the fact that I had been hurt a few times, my heart managed to give a chance for Kier because as I finds him interesting, Kier also resembles my dream man or shall we say, my knight in shining armor. Our conversation was once brief and concise until the days turns to week, months my feelings for him grows, even years.

I get attached at him and at first, I barely pay any attention to him. I may not even really attracted to him, he just happened to as I get to know him. I notice myself falling for him. He that was once average to me has quickly become the greatest, most handsome person for me in the world and perhaps even the most Important, it’s just funny looking back. I never saw this coming, its kind of just happened. It may sound cringe but that’s it.

I can’t really understand why I always tend to fall in love when my love isn’t reciprocal. Just what kind of habit is this?

Though, I didn’t tell him, I made up a plan that will surely change my life. I don't have the guts to do so. And I'm afraid to hear his responses. I believed that Kier is just trapping me to something else, since I remembered that Kier doesn’t want an attachment or any label of relationship, just fun.

A simple yet crazy plan won't hurt me, right? A plan on seducing him, at least, even just in one night, I wants to try my outrageous fantasy with him. Just this one and I'll set free my feelings for him afterwards.