10- Confession

I flump on the couch next to Jake. He kept his eyes on the television where Friends was playing. It wasn't too loud but enough to drown the excuses I was about to state.

"Jake, can we talk?"

He ignored me for another five minutes until I decided to lower the volume myself to get his attention. It was obvious he was ignoring me. It wouldn't surprise me if he wanted to leave right now. 

"Jake, please. I feel awful for lying to you, don't make it harder for me."

He turned his face first before deciding to look at me. "And how do you think I feel right now? Have you ever considered my situation?"

He was right. Jake deserves more than what I am offering." I am sorry. Really! I am scared, Jake. I mean it. I am so scared that you will judge me. I am scared that you will hate me. I am scared that you will think differently of me."

"Your silence is open to imagination, Jess. Since I have arrived here, I feel like a stranger. You don't tell me anything about you. It's like our connection has dwindled, and nothing is holding us together."

The thought itself made me shudder. I am at fault here. It's me causing him the pain instead of helping him heal. Many things crossed my mind. Mike had managed to ruin me. He made sure of that, but it was up to me if I'd let it haunt me forever. Besides Sebastian, Jake was the only one who was about to know the complete truth. I had built walls and created iron gates, but it was time to destroy them, for Jake at least. I had carried the weight for so long it was about time to have someone special be that shoulder to cry on. Plus, he is certainly not going to change me as Sebastian did. 

"I have been a coward," I confess. I pull the pillow to my lap as comfort. "I have planned a million ways to have this conversation, but nothing looks okay. Promise me that you won't judge me."

Realization hits him, and his eyes turn from stone cold to worry. 

"Promise me, Jake. Promise me that you won't hate me."

He gave me a sad smile. "When have I ever? We are of the same blood. I could never feel that way towards you."

Even before I open my mouth, I feel the lump on my chest and the bitter bile rising. I've had therapy before, but I have to confess I didn't put much effort myself. Sebastian doesn't know, or he'll command me to go back, and I refuse to do such a thing. That's how aware he is of me. That is enough to convince me that he doesn't care anymore.

"Before you start, Jesse, I want you to know that I wish we didn't do this. But I want to know. I need to know." I see the anguish in his eyes, and that's enough for me to start talking.

It's a little hard at the beginning, but before I know it, I can't stop. I run short of breath several times as I relive the torture. I close my eyes to stop the vivid images from coming, but it's so hard not to when all I've been doing is exactly that.

"I never left you, Jake. I never would do a horrendous thing. Unless I am dragged away from you, obviously. You have no idea how much I love you. I never stopped thinking about you. Even when I was being sold to those men. In my darkest moments, you were there with me and I thank you for that." I took his face between my hands to stare into his red eyes. There was a turmoil of emotions in them. I was aware of the hate towards his father, but I'd never seen it this close. It was hard to decide which was worse. His cold skin or the darkness in his eyes.

"It was my fault," he whispered. 

I shook my head. There was no space for self-reproach. What happened was long gone. It was time to overcome it and make sure to never cross paths with that monster. 

"I could've hidden. I could've run. I could've asked for help, but I didn't. I was a coward then, and I still am. But I'd do it all over again to protect you."

When tears padded his pale skin, he pulled away to sniff it back. "You saved me, and I couldn't save you back."

I smiled. "It's not about who saved who. It was meant to happen in Mike's book. He was waiting for me to lower my guard. And he won."

Jake's silence scared me. He rested his arms on his legs as he lowered his head to stare down at the ground. Both of us were crying, trying to understand what we had done in life to deserve this fate. Probably nothing. Bad things always happen to good people.

Before I had time to make sense of what was happening, Jake's arms were embracing me. I needed this. My earlier thought about him hating me was tamed by this act of love. I took in his boyish scent and smiled between sobs. "Sorry for not telling you. I couldn't find the words to face this shame."

It took him a while to reply. "You did not ask for this."

He was right. That's what my therapist had said before, but it was so hard to believe. Perhaps I needed to hear them from someone I truly love. His words of reassurance were better than months of therapy. A small part of me was finally at peace.

I pushed Jake away. It was hard to look into his eyes this time. "There is one more thing."

It was as if his emotions fell into the abyss. As if Jake had left his body and there was nothing but just a shell standing before me. I couldn't imagine what he was thinking. 

I considered focusing on my hand instead. Confessing my sins was easier this way. It came out merely a whisper. "I-I killed someone."

"Just one?"

I lifted my gaze to him. "What do you mean?"

"You should have killed all those bastards," he stated calmly.

My blood went cold. Kids around his age should be thinking of other things like love or girls. Not murder. "Don't say that."

"They deserve that, Jess, and much more. I hope they are burning in hell."

"No one deserves the death I gave that man. At first, I thought the same way."

"What are you scared of? That you killed him, or that you liked it?"

I was taken aback by his question. It's the same one my therapist had asked me. Back then, I had no response. Now, my head is clearer, and this time I think I know the response. I picked the small thread on the pillow to avoid looking up. "I didn't like it, but it gave me a sense of satisfaction that I did what I did."

He took my hand. His were still cold as ice. "You saved lives, think of it that way. Who knows what he did to other girls, and you liberated them from him."

"I try to think about it that way, but I still see his face in my dreams. He haunts me."

Again, we fell into silence. For the first time in minutes or hours, I turned to the t.v. The light in it was the only thing useful at the moment. Though I couldn't hear what they were saying, I smiled when Rachel threw her head back to laugh.

"What does Sebastian have to do with all this?" Jake asked finally. "You didn't tell me how you got out, nor how connected he is with all this."

"Sebastian rescued me from the place. The man wouldn't let us leave, not with all the money in the world, so Sebastian told him that I was his missing fiancee and that he came for me. After all the bribery, he got me out, married me that same night to change my name, and bring me here."

"He didn't have to marry you to get you out of the country, Jess. He could have thrown money everywhere to change your name."

I shook my head. "It was impossible. We tried it, but Mike has connections. He didn't tell me at what cost everything happened, but before I knew it, I had a change of appearance and was standing before the court to get married. We didn't have direct contact with all these people because we were scared they'd know me, so we took precautions and made his men do everything. In three days, I was a new person with a new history."

He was thoughtful for a moment. "And Pollen?"

I rolled my eyes. That was my mistake. "About that, it was my idea. I was fearful about everything and everyone. I was terrorized by the idea of Mike finding me so I couldn't show myself. I came up with the idea of a fake bride."

"And it backfired," he stated with an obvious tone.

"Well," I shrugged.

"I guess I'll have to talk to him."

I blinked once. Twice to make sure that I understood the meaning behind his words. "Don't!"

"I'll protect you," he joked.

"Promise me that you won't do anything, Jake."

His smile widened as he turned to the t.v again.

I shook my head. He was not taking me seriously. "Jake," I took him from the jaw and forced him to look at me. "Promise me that you won't do anything impulsive, and I am not talking about Sebastian. I am referring to Mike."

I could see the battle igniting in his eyes. If he did something reckless, we'd be in trouble. Besides, no contact was better.

"I promise," he hesitated.

There was a knock on our door to which we turned immediately. 

"I'll go," I offered.

I checked my face in the mirror beside the door and debated on opening the door in this state. I looked awful as if I had cried all night, and I had a hangover. I peeped through the small hole in the door and sighed when I saw Sebastian waiting impatiently. He was staring at his watch, and I smiled. Always worried about time. 

I contemplated his appearance for a while, and on his fifth knock, I decided to open. His anger turned into worry. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Come in," I offered, not wanting to argue tonight. I was feeling exhausted already.

"Who's here?" Jake came into view. As soon as he saw Sebastian, he started towards his target. 

"Jake, don't!" I shouted, but it was too late. His fist was already in the air ready to hit his opponent.