chapter 4

"I want to explore us."

Looking into this mans deserving eyes, I wanted to scream yes. I wanted to break down all of my walls and fears and run into his arms. The warmth in his eyes, the kindness of his touch, the delicate intonation of his words made me weak at the knees. The butterflies swarming in my stomach was a sure sign of what my heart wanted but, I had just met the guy.

I felt my chest begin to constrict as I registered what he was saying but this was more than just two people getting to know each other. This was so much bigger than that, this was me stepping outside of my marriage, giving myself to someone in a way that should only be giving to my soulmate but at this point...

I didn't even know who that was.

In a matter of hours I had forgotten all about the vows I had made to my husband, I had forgotten about the love I shared with him over the last 8 years, I had forgotten every day of my adult life that I had dedicated to him and our life together.

One question, one plead, one man. That's all it took to change that for me.

It was like those hypnotic words and those dazing eyes that had me foggy with amnesia, as all I could think about was him. He was intense, powerful in the best of ways, enticing and captivating. I just couldn't spin myself out of his web but I had to. I had to find the willpower to stop this before it got to far because once he had me...

I would be his prisoner, mind, body, and soul.

This was too much, too soon, too much to think about. How can I do this to Chase? I know my heart and I know I would never want to be disloyal to him. I know that he struggles with loyalty and that's why we're in this situation. Our type of relationship is for him to be open and honest with me and that's all I've ever wanted and needed... Right?

If this was so true then why am I looking into Tobias Wrexlers eyes like they hold the key to my happiness and why am I so confused about my love for Chase? Why after only a few hours am I left second-guessing everything that I know? I'm supposed to love Chase for better or for worse and look at me.

I have to say no. I have to.

"Tobias, I -" I felt my eyes frantically go back and forth between his. I was looking for any sign or signal to tell me that he is all wrong for me. I needed to see that meeting him was a mistake and everything I felt for him was just lust and nothing else. But god, those inviting eyes they killed every negative thought I wanted to have.

I quickly shut my eyes, and tried to force the words out with every bit of strength that I had left "Tobias, we can't do this. I'm married, I'm loyal, I love my -"

His lips.

I felt his lips on mine. In one swift motion, his hand was suddenly around the back of my neck as he slammed his lips into mine and I felt everything. His need for me, his want and his desire for this. Our lips danced together in fluid harmony, he led and I followed and as much as I wanted to push him away I physically couldn't.

His plump lips were so soft but his kiss wasn't delicate, it was needy, passionate and firey. The best kiss that had ever graced my lips and feeling him pull away caused me to do something I shouldn't have.

I latched my hands around his neck and pulled him back into me, his lips were glued to mine as I released a moan into his mouth, I wanted more. No, I needed more and I wasn't ready to let go of this, I just needed a taste.

But god I knew I would regret it because after just this one taste I knew I was addicted, he was an addiction I didn't know I needed until I felt that first high. I felt his large hands move lower to cup my ass, I wanted his hands to roam all over my body but I - I needed to stop this but my moral compass had completely smashed into millions of pieces as I let his hands cup under my thighs lifting me up around his built waist.

I soon felt my back pushed against the backdrop, I felt his tongue graze my lower lip as he paused awaiting permission to enter and just like every other time, I couldn't say no. Our kiss, deepening as I felt myself lowering until I felt my ass against his raging cock forcing through his trousers. I could feel my panties dampening as the pressure began to build. His hips begun to circle up against my throbbing core "Tobias."

As soon as I heard myself moan his name, I felt something stir within me, in the worst of ways. I quickly pulled away from his kiss, dropped my legs and pushed him away from me. I threw my hands over my face as I felt the years of painful unshed tears pool in my eyelids "Oh my god. Oh - I - I just - cheated on my husband -"

I whimpered as I attempted to form a sentence "Chase, he - what am I -" my heart was hurting at the idea of what I had just done to us. I had changed everything, I had just carried out the exact act that my aching heart was already hurting from.

I soon felt his large arms engulf me, and as much as I wanted to blame him and tear away from his hold, I couldn't. I needed his comfort, I needed to be in the safety of his arms. I cried into my hands but I wanted to cry into his chest feeling his heartbeat sooth mine, it felt like that was the only place I felt like my heart wouldn't hurt.

And that was the exact reason that I needed to end everything here.

"I'm so sorry Monroe. I know it was selfish and I hate myself for making you feel this way but I just - I had to show you what I felt and why I want to try this. Please just give me this chance?"

"I can't Tobias -" I whispered, torturing myself as I allowed those words to pass my lips, draining me of anything I had left. I instantly felt his separation as his touch disappeared from my skin.

I discreetly lifted my face from my hands as my teary eyes trailed after him. His head was low as he walked, he was no longer walking tall with every ounce of confidence but instead, disappointment and hurt. I watched him as picked up my dress, smoothing it out before turning around, almost startled by my stare.

His posture soon realigned knowing I was watching him as he stalked back over to me. Then put his hand out for me, with that simple gesture I knew I hadn't hurt him completely. He pulled me up to standing and yet again we were stuck in that intense stare, no-one saying anything but you could see the sorrow in both of our eyes communicating for us.

He handed me my dress and quickly turned around so I could dress myself. I felt my lips curl up into a small smile thinking of how courteous he was being, considering a few minutes ago I had my nearly naked body wrapped around his torso shuddering under his touch. My smile didn't last long, remembering that that single act of lust and attraction could ruin everything I've spent 8 years building.

I was a mess. In the few hours I had known Tobias, he had seen me go through every emotion, I had cried twice in front of him, gave in to my need for him, and pushed him away all whilst wanting him to pull me back, and he didn't even bat an eyelid. It felt like he had already decided that I was worth all of this. This chance he wanted was worth it to him but I had so much more to lose and yet he had so much more to give.

"Tobias -"

He slowly turned back around, his eyes roamed all over my masked body as he bit his lip ever so slightly. His hand curved around the back of his neck as he bashfully looked to our feet, but all I wanted to see was those perfect eyes just in case it was my last.

"I have this insane amount of attraction to you and I - I just met you. I can't throw away my marriage for lust or whatever this is. I feel things for you and I just about know your last name, it doesn't make sense and as much as I might feel something. This is wrong, I am married."

I was trying to be strong but looking at all of his striking features had me at a loss, that pull that we had for each other was at it's fullest and I was struggling to be this close to him without touching him. As if he was reading my mind, he snaked his hand around my waist to my lower back causing me to release a sigh and arch my back in his touch.

"Monroe, what's stopping you? You just said it, you feel it too. The way our bodies react to each other, the way we struggle to not touch one another when we're this close, the way our eyes penetrate one another as we talk, and that's just the physical. I can't wait to know you on a mental level, that beautiful mind of yours needs to be penetrated too."

His face lowered to the crook of my neck as he spoke into my hair "All I'm asking for is a chance."

"Tobias -" I put my hands on his chest to lightly push him away, his breath on my neck could have made me say yes to anything, but I had to stay strong. "I want to try whatever this is but what if - I don't even know what you expect from me. I haven't even decided if I am leaving Chase yet. I'm not ready for anything and this - this isn't fair on you at all."

He started following my frantic movements as I rambled on "As much as I will hate being the other man in your life. I'm not asking you to leave him, not yet anyway. I'm asking for a chance to show you who I am and maybe just maybe what we could be."

He delicately tucked a strand of loose hair behind my ears as his twinkly eyes penetrated mine. "Tobias, I want that so much but if we do this. I don't have it in me to not be honest -" I sighed anticipating his response to my next statement.

"I have to talk to him, I have to tell him about wanting to get to know you."

His forehead leaned against mine, his eyes shut tightly. I felt his heartbeat quicken and his chest rise and fall more ferociously as he calmed himself down. I knew he wasn't happy but I wish I could read his mind.

"Fine." Was all he said as he handed me a business card with her personal phone number on it. He looked into my eyes one last time, before pulling me in for an everlasting kiss, my hands raked through his beautiful locks. I could feel his frustration and anger through his kiss and his touch but also I could feel him not wanting to let me go.

"Please don't leave it like this Tobias." I whispered into his lips with my hand caressing his cheek. He pulled his face away from my cheek and wouldn't even look at me. "Monroe, just go and ask your husband for permission to do the exact same thing he's doing to you."

With that, he pulled himself away from me and I felt a twinge in my heart "Tobias, I'm talking to him about it because I don't want to hide you. I don't want you to be my dirty little secret. Everything I feel for you is going against vows to Chase and I'm in a battle with my mind and heart but I'm trying, I'm giving us a chance."

I watched as his eyes softened as he nodded his head "Look, I'm sorry, I just -" I shook my head with my eyes closed, I knew exactly what he was going to say and I knew exactly why he was hurt. "I'm going on a business trip in a month or so and I'm not giving you a deadline for an answer but I can't go away for 3 months without knowing what could have been. Just tell me soon okay?"

I didn't know if this was going to be our last encounter or not but the thought of not seeing him again was tugging at my heart. I threw my hands around his neck and pulled him in for one final beautiful kiss. As we pulled away he gave me a peck on the tip of my nose, making me smile. "Bye Tobias."

I walked back to my dressing room, feeling the painful distance between Tobias and I once I left the studio. I got out my phone and began to compose a text.

Hey, I know you're with Luxe but can you be home alone when I get there? We need to talk.