014

Bonnie

I didn't say anything until we were halfway down the hall.

I was walking fast; like, if-I-stop-I'll-fall-apart fast...and Bianca had to jog to keep up. My gym bag kept smacking her hip but I couldn't bring myself to care.

"Okay," she said. "What the hell was that?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing? Bonnie, he cornered you in a bathroom. A bathroom. That's not nothing. That's something. That's a whole something."

I didn't answer. Just kept walking with my jaw tight and eyes fixed on the exit sign at the end of the hall.

Bianca grabbed my elbow and yanked me to a stop by the water fountain. "Girl. I know you're not about to lie to my face right now."

I finally looked at her. My face was burning; I could feel it, that humiliated heat crawling up my neck...but underneath the heat was something else. Anger... Frustration.

"You're blushing," Bianca said.

"I'm not blushing."

"You're literally red right now. Like a tomato...like a strawberry. Like..."

"Okay, I get it."

"And you're fuming. How are you doing both at once? Girl, I don't know how you blush and still fume at the same time but it's kind of cute, actually."

I made a sound like a half laugh, half groanand pressed the heels of my palms to my eyes. "Bianca please."

"I'm just saying. It's a talent."

A group of freshmen rounded the corner and Bianca tugged me into the stairwell.

"Talk to me," she said, quieter now. "What's going on with you and the professor? And don't say nothing because I saw the way he looked at you. That wasn't a professor look. That was a 'my dog just died and you're the only one who understands' look. It was weird."

I leaned against the cinderblock wall and crossed my arms.

"It's complicated," I finally said.

"Uncomplicate it."

I was quiet for a very long moment. "You know he's dating my mom."

Bianca blinked. "Okay. Yeah. I know that part already. He's your mum's boyfriend. That's not the complicated part."

My throat moved as I swallowed hard.

"Bon."

"You know about what happened in his office..."

Bianca's face shifted. "Okay."

"And one night, at home even when my mum was around..." I stopped and shook my head. "I literally cannot say it out loud."

But I didn't have to. I could see her putting it together. The way her eyes widened. The way her mouth fell open.

"Oh my God," she whispered.

"Don't."

"He didn't."

"Don't."

"Bonnie, tell me he didn't..."

"Can you please just drop it?" My voice cracked and I turned toward the stairs like I was about to bolt.

Bianca grabbed my wrist. "No. I'm not dropping it. You're my best friend and I'm watching you fall apart in real time and I need to know if I should kill him or just maim him."

I let out a shaky breath. "You can't kill him. My mom loves him."

"So?"

"So, Bianca...so she's happy. For the first time since my dad left, she's actually happy. And if I tell her; if anyone finds out...I ruin everything."

"You didn't do anything wrong," she said firmly.

"I did everything wrong."

"You were a minor and he's a grown man with a whole teaching degree. That's not on you. That's statutory. That's a crime, Bonnie. You're nineteen and still a minor and that's on period"

I flinched like she'd slapped me.

"Too much?" she asked.

"Too much."

"Sorry. But I'm right."

I didn't argue one bit.

We stood there in the stairwell for a minute.

"Why are you blushing?" Bianca asked softly.

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. "I'm not."

"You literally are. Your whole face is pink. Like you're embarrassed but also kind of...I don't know..."

"Don't say it."

"Turned on?"

"Bianca!"

"What? I'm just saying what everyone's thinking!"

"No one is thinking that!"

"I am literally thinking that. Right now. As we speak. You're blushing and fuming and I'm sorry but that's not the face of someone who's done. That's the face of someone who's still thinking about it."

My breath caught and I looked away, and that was all the confirmation she needed.

"Oh, Bonnie," she sighed.

"Don't 'oh Bonnie' me. I hate him."

"I know."

"I really hate him."

"I know."

"I just..." I pressed my hand to my forehead. "I need to not think about him for five minutes. Can we please just go do something normal? Something that doesn't involve bathrooms or professors or my mother's terrible taste in men?"

Bianca checked her phone. "Practice doesn't start for another hour."

"Okay so we skip it."

"You want to skip practice? You? The girl who cried when she sprained her ankle because she missed one game?"

I grabbed her arm and pulled her down the stairs. "We're going to the hockey rink."

"The hockey rink? Since when do you care about hockey?"

"Since right now. The boys' team has a scrimmage at four. I heard Jensen talking about it in chem."

Bianca grinned. "Oh, I see. This isn't about hockey. This is about a certain tall blonde defenseman with dimples."

I didn't deny it nor confirm it either. But my shoulders relaxed just a little, and for the first time since the bathroom incident, I almost smiled.

***

The rink was freezing cold. The kind of cold that seeps through your jeans and makes your nose run within thirty seconds.

But it was loud and full of people who had no idea what was happening in my life, which was exactly what I needed.

The scrimmage had already started when we got there. Bodies slammed against the boards. Sticks clattered. Someone swore loud enough to hear over the announcer.

We found seats near the top of the bleachers, then hugged our knees and watched.

"No. 17 is cute," Bianca said.

I nodded. "Of course, that's Lucas."

"No, 17 is definitely not Lucas. Lucas is 9."

"Since when?"

"Since he switched numbers last week. Keep up."

The puck moved down the ice. A player in white broke away from the pack fast and fluid, hair sticking out from under his helmet in a way that looked accidentally perfect.

"That's Lucian," I said quietly.

"The captain?"

"Yeah. He's..."

"Hot. The word you're looking for is hot."

"I was going to say talented."

"No you weren't."

I laughed. Actually laughed. A real one, not the hollow sound I'd been making all week.

The period ended and the Zamboni came out. And then.....

"Good afternoon, Westbrook High!"

The announcer's voice boomed through the rink. A skinny kid with a headset stood by the penalty box, grinning like an idiot.

"For those of you just joining us, we're about to start the third period of our annual preseason scrimmage. Scores are tied, tempers are high, and I've been informed that one of our players has an announcement to make."

The crowd murmured and I found myself sitting up a little straighter.

Lucian skated to center ice. No helmet now. His hair was dark and tousled, pushed back from his forehead, and even from up here I could see his eyes...blue. Really blue. The kind of blue that made you forget where you were.

He took the mic, "Hey everyone," he said. His voice came out raspy and breathless from skating. "I know this is weird. But I wanted to say something before the last period."

The rink went quiet immediately.

"There's someone in the crowd right now. Someone I've been watching for a while. And I know I should probably say this in private, but I'm an idiot, so here we are."

Beside me, Bianca grabbed my knee so hard I felt it through my jeans.

"I'm dedicating the next goal I score to her. Just one person. And I hope she knows who she is."

Someone whistled and someone else shouted "Smooth, Lucian!"

Lucian grinned; this easy, crooked grin that probably made girls do stupid things...and looked directly at our section.

Directly at me.

"To Bonnie," he said into the mic. "Who I really hope isn't weirded out by this."

The rink erupted instantly. Cheers, hollers, a few confused parents clapping anyway.

My face went scarlet. Not pink. Not flushed. Red. The color of stop signs and fire trucks and every embarrassed blush in history.

"Bonnie," Bianca whispered.

"Shut up."

"Bonnie, he just..."

"I said shut up!"

But I was smiling The kind that reached my eyes and made me feel seventeen instead of someone carrying a hundred-pound secret.

Lucian tossed the mic back to the announcer, pulled on his helmet, and skated to center ice.

And for one insane glittering moment, I felt normal.

I wasn't owned by anyone not even Marcellus.

I was just Bonnie. A girl at a hockey game. A girl someone like Lucian...with his tousled hair and his perfect blue eyes and that stupid, beautiful smile...had just shouted out to a whole rink full of people.

Bianca elbowed me. "So...You gonna talk to him after or what?"

I bit my lower lip, still laughing a little. "I don't know."

"You don't know? Bonnie, the hottest guy in school just dedicated his next goals to you. You don't get to not know."

The buzzer sounded and the third period started.

And for the first time in days, I wasn't thinking about Marcellus at all.