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228. Every Cult Has a Silver Lining
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 229. Feel the Fear and Druid Anyway
“Finally,” said Arthur, “you’re leaving. Let me show you out.”I got the feeling he wasn’t walking us to the door out of politeness, more to make sure we actually left. Whether or not Arthur was what he appeared, one thing was for sure — he had no interest in having us around.“Is there anything you can tell us about the Pope before we go?” I asked him. “Any advice?”“Don’t be a freeloader, repay your debts and don’t bother people too much.”“I meant advice for dealing with the Pope.”“Good advice applies to all situations,” said Arthur.“What about the druids?” asked Maurice. “Are they going to cause any trouble?”“They’re harmless,” said Arthur. “Just persistent. Like weeds.”We were at the front door as he herded us through like a wily old sheepdog.“And the giant green brain?” I asked as he began closing the doors on us.“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”“Like broccoli,” said Maurice.“No
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 230. These Aren’t the Druids You’re Looking For
“You wish to become one of us?” asked the druid, his eyes sparkling with hot anticipation.“Yes. Sure. I’ve always been a big fan of nature and, you know, trees.” I hadn’t really thought this through, but how hard could it be to convince a buffoon you thought his beliefs were brilliant? “You think so too, right?”I passed the ball to Dudley and Maurice.“Definitely,” said Maurice. “Trees are a vital part of the ecosystem. The most vital.”“Yes, they’re absolutely smashing,” said Dudley.“See? We all believe in preserving the environment for, you know, future use.”The druid might have sensed a degree of insincerity in my voice, subtle as it was. “Are you just saying that so you can meet Xesar?”“No,” I said firmly. “Aren’t we all one under the soil?”His eyes lit up again. “Yes, yes we are.”“How do I get my robe? I suppose I have to shave my head.” It wasn’t that big a deal the rate my hair grew at, but it might be a bit t
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 231. Suggested Donations
If you have a toaster that goes up to six, you know you’re never going to use it above four. The dial might accidentally get turned up high, but that means the toast is going straight in the bin. If you’re desperate (i.e. a student), you might scrape off the top layer of carcinogenic charcoal, but it’s a grim fate most would rather avoid.The thing is, those high settings were put there for a reason. Toaster engineers aren’t dummies. They have degrees in science (and baking, presumably). They know exactly what they’re doing. They know five produces the subtle aroma of melted plastic, and that six is guaranteed to set off alarms at the Office for Chemical and Biological Weapons. So why did they put them there?Sure, there are some toasters made to handle bagels or muffins straight out of the freezer. But the useless settings on toasters have always been there, even before people knew frozen waffles were a thing.But people don’t care. They don’t demand answers as lo
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 232. Dead Men Walking
The walls were thick, so the archway had some depth to it. You could see through it and yet have no indication of what was on the other side, apart from shadows.This was where Dudley’s second sight had faltered. Beyond was where the girls had gone. We were entering the realm of the Golden God, whoever the fuck that was.The two undead guards walked ahead of me in long, strong strides. I had to double-step to keep up. Stairs led us down. Torches flared brightly as a faint breeze caught their flames, but all they showed were more steps, and more shadows ahead.The appendages I had managed to detach and now had in each hand, connected me to the guards. It was a strange sensation. I could feel the weight and texture, even some movement as a pulse passed through my hands and up my arms, but I couldn’t see what I was holding. My hands were empty, and also buried in the consciousness of each guard.And they did have a consciousness. They weren’t the mindless undea
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 233. Till Death Don’t Us Part
The Pope was sitting on his throne, leaning a little to the side so that his elbow rested on one of the ornately carved armrests. Close up, it was obvious his luscious blond locks were a wig, and that he had a lot of makeup on.“You’re American?” I asked him. “You’re the one who came here with Peter and Zarigold?”The Pope pursed his lip as he looked me over. It was nothing I wasn’t used to. People judged me all the time, trying to work out how the hell I was still alive when so many better people weren’t.“That’s right. Rupert Haines. Nice to meet you.” His non-theatrical voice was quite high and nasally.“And Tupor Haisman?” I was curious about the name change. Why bother?“Just a stage name. More fitting of the setting, I thought. Never liked Rupert, lacks a punch. Not so unusual, really. I mean, you don’t think Zarigold’s her real name, do you.” His eyebrows climbed up his face like he’d revealed some scurrilous gossip.We were getting on v
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 234. Dead Gods and Englishmen
I left Jenny in younger-me’s care and returned to the small room where our bodies were frozen in place. I was sitting on the bed with my eyes closed. Jenny, topless, sat beside me, staring at my face.Objectively speaking, I don’t have an attractive face. It won’t make you throw up or anything, but I won’t be asked to model sunglasses any time soon.What Jenny found so fascinating in me, I had no idea. It was flattering, of course, but you end up taking these things for granted.I floated out of the room, passing through the door without having to open it. The corridor was lined with tentacles of varying sizes, covering the walls like a very organic plumbing system. As strange as it was to be in this adjacent world, I was getting used to it. There seemed to be a valuable lesson here. Something about familiarity leading to something something.It was kind of a bonkers system, when you stopped to think about it. Things you hate, that terrify you, slowly lose t
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 235. Losing My Edge
The Pope led us back towards the heart of the temple. He seemed very happy to do what I asked, which immediately made me suspicious. Nobody was ever happy to follow my orders.The Pope was cooperating, the old gods had let me go with barely a how do you do. No one was this easy-going unless they were up to something.My instinct was not to trust either of them, not to believe any explanations, and to be super-suspicious whenever they let me have my way. Not that my instincts were always right — when it came to anything positive, they were usually very, very wrong — but once the alarm went off, time to start running.Unfortunately, I didn’t understand what was going on well enough to know which direction I should be running in.“Can I have my sword back,” said Jenny as we travelled through numerous corridors.“No, I think I should hang onto it.”“But I’m better at using it.” She was right in that her skills with it were marginally better than mi
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 236. Freedom for All
Jenny was not happy. She was the sort of person who prided herself on not being a nag. She presented herself as a supportive partner willing to back me up in whatever retarded idea I came up with. She’d tell me it was retarded, but that wouldn’t stop her having my back.Which is cool. People should only tell you not to do something if they have a better option. One they know works due to experience and wisdom, not because they think it will help them whore karma on Reddit.Under those conditions, hardly anyone would get to tell anyone else what to do. People would make mistakes, of course, but they would be valuable mistakes that would help the person grow and improve.This time, however, Jenny was not in the mood to stand by and allow me to go skipping off into the jaws of danger. Not without her mooring line firmly attached.“If he disconnects himself from me,” said Jenny, “won’t he die? I thought I was the only thing keeping him alive.”“Yes. Techn
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