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241. Sister of No Mercy
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 242. Further Beyond
It wasn’t like Claire suddenly transforming was a bad thing. When the Fire Nation attacks, you want someone to change into their Avatar state. She was more Korra than Aang, but who knew what she was capable of now?I suddenly felt a sense of loss at not having Maurice around to swap pop culture analogies with. It’s all very well having people standing beside you in times of trouble, but it leaves an unsatisfactory feeling when they don’t understand your references.We had a giant Elf with a handful of twats coming at us, so Claire going blue-eyes white dragon was a good thing, even if she had no idea what a blue-eyes white dragon was. Whatever had been behind the wall in the crypt, it had presumably exited via Claire and taken up residence.Normally, that would be a cause for concern. How often has the thing bricked up inside a church been a chill dude who got trapped by accident? No, it was always some abused child whose vengeful spirit was now going to wreak havo
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 243. The Older Woman
By this point, I considered darkness to be an old friend. Considering how my friends had been treating me of late, my buddy darkness was probably hiding monsters that would eat my face.The voice I’d heard had sounded feminine, although I wasn’t about to assume gender. These days, that sort of thinking can get you in all sorts of trouble. If it was a woman, my track record with females in dark places wasn’t good, but I wasn’t about to generalise about that either.Yes, women had treated me poorly, often trying to kill me, torture me and nag me to death. I didn’t hold a grudge. Women aren’t all the same. I never think, Oh, yes, she’s just like all the others. They’re all individuals. They each have their own preferred method for ruining your life. Some of them even do it by ignoring you. They’re my favourite.I listened for any follow-up threats. There were always follow-up threats. Everyone had too much fun arranging my demise to not announce their plans.No
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 244. Don’t Forget to Breathe
Claire stabbed me. She didn’t know I was in here, but would that have made a difference?The moment the blade entered my chest, I felt a rush of cold go through me like smoke through a keyhole. Everything began shaking. I was falling apart.“What are yo’ doing?” screamed Flossie.“It’s not him,” said Maurice. “Colin’s safe. This is just his body. We have to stop them now, or we’ll never get another chance.”It had never been a great body, but ‘just his body’ seemed a little harsh.Was this part of some big plan? Maurice had always been good at seeing patterns and drawing conclusions. He wasn’t always right, but he was starting to have faith in himself. They all were. Dangerous times.If you joined up the dots and they formed a picture, it would make sense to assume that’s the picture you were meant to find. Maurice had decided this was the picture he had seen. Kill Peter, kill Wesley. Leave no one powerful enough to threaten the rest of us.
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 1. Where Are We?
The first thing I saw was the sky. I closed my eyes again. I remembered coming home after another crappy day at work, heating a frozen lasagne in the microwave — it tasted like cardboard — and falling into bed. The ceiling of my bedroom was what should have been hanging over me, not a clear blue sky. Not unless a storm had ripped the roof off my building.My fingers dug into earth and grass scratched at my neck and bare legs. The drone of an insect buzzed past, followed by a distant roar that King Kong would have been proud of.I sat bolt upright and looked around. Trees surrounded a grassy clearing full of wildflowers. I was in the tee shirt and boxers I had gone to bed in, but there was no bed and my bedroom had a totally different decor.Something howled from the opposite direction to the roar. The thing that howled sounded closer than the thing that roared. I didn’t fancy meeting either.More heads popped up in the long grass. I got to my feet and saw a dozen or so other people
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 2. Welcoming Committee
The armour worn by the approaching men wasn’t exactly Roman legionary level, but not far off.“I think someone’s coming.” No one heard me, even though I said it quite loud. No surprise. I turned around and cupped my hands around my mouth. “Oi! Company.” I jerked a thumb towards the trees behind me.Having got their attention, the others all swarmed towards me. And then past me.As they all rushed to see who was coming, I noticed how many of the girls were dressed in skimpy outfits. Possibly a strange time to be checking out the ladies, what with potential murderers about to hack us all to death, but everyone deserves a last meal. The pretty, dark-haired girl who helped me earlier wore a particularly cute silky number. She hurried past, taking great care not to look in my direction.The last of the stragglers was a black guy who really stood out from the crowd. He had an untidy afro, teeth that didn’t seem to fit in his mouth, and he was wearing a onesie decorated with characters fr
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 3. Player One Ready?
Some people had sunk to their knees, others were in tears. The soldiers, who acted like this was just another day at the office, quickly got everyone up, barking orders at those still in a daze to snap them out of it.“We have to move,” called out Captain Grayson. “The corpse will attract scavengers. We don’t want to be here when that happens.”Slowly the shock wore off, and we formed a vague line. With the soldiers on either side of us, we set off through the trees.Nobody said anything as we all concentrated on working our way in between the densely populated trees, keeping an eye open for further attacks. Without shoes it took all your attention to avoid stepping on something painful. Ohs and ahs and shits rang out as people hopped around clutching their feet. Met by shushing from those fearful of drawing the attention of more monsters.I was too excited to be scared. If this really was a game, would you have to collect experience points to level up?Perhaps we’d be able to gai
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 4. F.A.Q.
“Any questions?”For the next few minutes, Grayson fielded a barrage of different questions.“Is there a way for us to go home?”“Not right now. But that’s not to say there’s isn’t a way that hasn’t been found yet. You may be the one who discovers it.”“You said there were others before us. Where are they? Can we talk to them?”“They’ve all moved on, mostly to one of the big cities. If you meet one of them, I’m sure they’ll be happy to talk to you.”“Is this a game?”“No. I assure you this is not a game.”“Can we die?”“Yes.”“If we die, can we come back to life?”Grayson pulled a face. “Well, there are healers who can treat severe injuries, but once you’re dead, you’re dead, as far as I know.”“Are you sure this isn’t a game?”“I’m very sure.”“Does magic exist here?”“Yes.” This sent a buzz around the room as people got excited. “But it’s very rare, and people who can actually put it to good use are even rarer. Most blow off their own hands the first time they try it.”
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 5. Welcome to Probet
Outside, the road, more a dusty track, led in only one direction. Buildings ahead of us looked all the same. Wooden shacks of one storey. Noise and smells drifted towards us as we approached. It was hard to identify either.“My name’s Claire, by the way,” said the girl with the big nose. “This is Flossie.”I turned to look at the plump red-head. “Really?”“Oh ah, not really,” she said in the broadest Brummie accent I’d ever heard. “Actually, it’s Victoria, but everybody’s always called me that since I were a babby.”“I’m Colin, and this is Maurice.”“Hello, ladies.” Maurice smiled inanely.I looked over to our fifth member, who was walking a few steps behind us with his hands behind his back and a tremendous interest in the sky. “What about you? Got a name?”“Dudley Fenderson III.” The voice that came out of his mouth was so posh, it sounded like the sort of voice you put on to mock posh people. He was tall, had a receding hairline even though he couldn’t be more than nineteen o
Latest chapter
- How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 244. Don’t Forget to Breathe
- How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 243. The Older Woman
- How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 242. Further Beyond
- How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 241. Sister of No Mercy
- How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 240. Cockblocula
- How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 239. Planning for the Future
- How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 238. Lead Me Not into Temptation
- How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 237. Hold the Moan
- How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 236. Freedom for All
