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41. The Commander And The Princess
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 42. Welcome to Fengarad
The moment we passed through the second archway into Fengarad proper, the whole world changed. Noise hit us from every direction. Bangs and clatters, voices shouting, dogs barking, carts trundling across cobblestone. We all had to take a moment to get used to it.Everywhere I looked there were buildings squeezed together and leaning against each other in haphazard fashion. Narrow, tall and wonky.“If you’ll follow me,” said Laffi, “it isn’t too far to the Municipal Directory.”He led us through narrow streets, weaving between the crowds of people who all seemed to be going in the opposite direction to us. We had to bump and jostle our way through them to keep up with Laffi, who seemed to have an uncanny knack for sliding through the gaps without slowing.Everything was so tight and cramped, it was impossible to get a view of anything other than our immediate surroundings. Not that we had much time to look around, we were too busy trying to keep Laffi in our
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 43. The Emporium Of Needs And Desires
We had asked a few people about the best place to buy stuff and they’d all suggested the same place: Madame Robidoo’s Emporium. Apparently it was the place to get kitted out.With map in one hand and terrible sense of direction in the other, we navigated the spaghetti-like streets of Fengarad like 18th century explorers fumbling their way through the jungles of Africa.Other than my debilitating stiffness — fortunately it eased off after a bit of walking — I felt pretty relaxed and was more than happy to be doing something as mundane as going shopping. We had enough money to buy what we needed, and maybe enough to get some cool stuff on top. What we would do after that was still undecided, but to be honest, none of us wanted to think about it until absolutely necessary. A new pair of underpants was far more important.We got lost a number of times, and certain members of our party got distracted by a shoe shop where we were forced to wait while they inspected a vas
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 44. Man On A Mission
We spent the rest of the week exploring Fengarad. There were various interesting places in the lanes and side streets, including a red light district any red-blooded male would have investigated fully. Needless to say, the three of us got horribly embarrassed at the first sight of a scantily clad woman giving us the come hither, and we swiftly came up with excuses to head off to some other part of the city.We might not have acted quite so scared if she hadn’t looked like Steve Buscemi in drag. Who am I kidding? Of course we would.The girls, oblivious as ever, had no idea why the woman wanted to speak to us in private. The only thing of interest to them was where she’d purchased her bikini top.I eventually convinced the others we should split up, or at least, I should split up from them. We were familiar enough with the layout of the city that I didn’t think they’d get lost, and as long as they were together they wouldn’t get into too much trouble. Probably. I ju
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 45. Frog Capture Plan
There were a number of things I looked for in Fengarad but didn’t find. Book shops didn’t exist, although I knew books did. Now that I could read, books seemed the obvious way to gather a lot of information quickly, but they were incredibly rare. Most likely, there were private libraries somewhere. My guess would be that there was one in the Palace, but I had avoided that part of the city because palaces are where princesses live.The other thing I couldn’t find was a compass. It would make life a lot easier if we knew which direction we were going in, but no one understood what I was going on about when I asked shopkeepers if they sold them. Perhaps magnets didn’t exist, or maybe there was no North Pole to attract them.We left Fengarad heading north. At least, I think we did. The marshlands were a huge area with no towns or cities — not human ones, anyway. It took us two days to reach them. I expected to find swamps and crocodiles, but it was more like a series of lakes
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 46. Win Lose Draw
The unconscious frogman’s wide nostrils flared as he sniffed at the air. His eyes opened and looked around, which was kind of freaky as his head didn’t move, his eyes just pointed in all different directions. He didn’t seem all that concerned by my presence, or the sword I was holding extra tight in my sweaty hand. His attention was on the jerky.I threw him a piece which he caught in his mouth.“Don’t worry,” I said, trying to stop my voice from shaking. “I’m not going to hurt you.”He tilted his head and winced. “You’ve already hurt me, you scum.” His voice was deep and from the back of his throat. He sounded a bit like Alan Rickman.“Sorry about that. What I mean is, I won’t hurt you again... as long as you tell me what I want to know.”Despite not wanting to kill for no reason, I was under no illusion about what it would take to get him to give me what I wanted. That was the reason I had decided to do this alone. The others would have balked at ha
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 47. It’s Nice To Be Wanted
When I returned to the others, they had a bunch of questions for me. They hadn’t expected to see me walk out with the old frogman, and didn’t know what to do. Rush over and help? Cause a distraction so I could escape?“You know,” said Claire, “I thought you might kill them, even the little baby.” She laughed like she was telling me some silly joke. “I was about to scream at you to leave them alone, but Maurice said we should see what you were planning.”I could imagine the reaction if a crazy girl had suddenly started screaming at the top of her voice — frogman spear straight into my gut. Fortunately, they ended up doing what I would expect from them. Nothing.We ate the fish for dinner, which was by far the best meal we’d had in days, and next morning we set off back to Fengarad. I explained the deal I had made exchanging goods for services and they let out a collective sigh of relief. More shopping was something they could handle.It took us two days to ge
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 48. Wait For It
Jenny was sitting with the rest of her team. Next to her was Tin, tricked out in full chainmail armour. Around his neck was a thick gold chain, hanging from which was a big shiny key. Subtle.Jenny’s outfit was leather but with chainmail inserts covering vital organs. The two of them almost looked colour coordinated. Were they a couple now? It wouldn’t surprise me. Alpha males tend to attract pretty girls. The natural order of things.The whole party was seriously tanked up, armour-wise. Straps and belts and shiny bits of metal everywhere. It wasn’t like the stuff we’d seen in Madame Robidoo’s Emporium, this was all high end, top of the line gear. I hate to admit it, but they looked pretty cool.I casually checked them out for a couple of minutes before realising they were all staring back at me. Awkward!I have a habit of not saying anything when I run into people I know because of some uncomfortable experiences in my past. There have been a number of times
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 49. By Royal Command
A man was holding the second set of doors open as I entered the vestibule and Laffi went straight in. I was right behind him, so it took a moment for me to see what kind of room we had entered. Good thing too. I probably wouldn’t have gone in if I’d known.The place was packed. Hundreds of people, brightly dressed and chattering away, filled a raised gallery that went right round the room, standing ten deep. The moment I walked in, the noise stopped and they all stared down at me.When I’d been told I had an audience with the King, I hadn’t expected an actual audience to be present.I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but I don’t do well with large crowds. I froze, suddenly unable to remember why I was here. My throat went dry and I could feel moisture forming on the tip of my nose, the back of my neck, the small of my back... everywhere, really. My face felt hot. Was it turning red? Could people tell? These sorts of thoughts only made it worse.The
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