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49. By Royal Command
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 50. A Wild Princess Appears
“Thank you, Daddy,” said the Princess. “You’ve brought him to me to be punished.”“Now, now, We’ve spoken to you about this before,” said the King. “You can’t go around putting a price on the head of everyone who annoys you. We wouldn’t have anyone left in the kingdom to rule over.”She came stomping across the room. “This isn’t like the other times. Injuring a member of the royal family is a capital offence. Isn’t that right, Semion?”Semion nodded. “Yes, Your Highness, it is. Have you been injured by this young man?”“Yes!” proclaimed the Princess. “He hurt my feelings.”“Ah,” said Semion, “I’m afraid that doesn’t—”“And, he threatened me.”“Oh,” said Semion, looking at me. I tried to claim my innocence by rapidly shaking my head at him. “That is quite a serious charge. What did he threaten you with?”“He said he would ask Daddy for my hand in marriage.”The King spread his arms wide. “Laney, please, that’s hardly a crime
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 51. Book Smarts
My expectations of hefty magic tomes full of spells were quickly dashed. Laney’s idea of books was limited to fairy tales about princesses and knights and, of course, magic. Not exactly what I had in mind. As far as she was concerned, if it didn’t interest her, it didn’t exist.“This one’s really good,” she informed me, holding up a thin novel called Loved By Two Dragons. “He’s a dragon, but he’s also a handsome boy. But his brother’s even more handsome, and he’s an even bigger dragon!”Apparently, teenage girls liked shitty books no matter which world you happened to be in.The library wasn’t particularly big, about the size of a large living room, but the walls were covered in shelves, and each shelf was full of books. I skimmed the spines looking for any interesting titles.“When I said books about magic, I meant books that teach you how to do magic, not silly stories for little girls.”“You want to learn magic?” said Laney. She was sitting cross-l
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 52. Sword Smarts
The training hall was in a separate building, next to the barracks behind the Palace. Soldiers were working out on gym gear or sparring with weapons when we walked in.“Everybody out!” yelled Laney. They all stopped what they were doing, put down any equipment, and headed for the door.“Hurry up! Or do you want to stay here and play dollies with me?”I don’t know what ‘playing dollies’ consisted of, but you’ve never seen a room clear out so fast. There was genuine fear on the faces of the men who rushed past me. I had visions of burly soldiers being forced to march around a parade ground in frilly dresses and big bows on their heads.Once they’d gone, Laney went over to a rack of swords and picked out two wooden ones. They didn’t look very fancy, just sticks with hilts.“Here.” She handed me one. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”Without waiting for an answer, she came at me.In a game, you find the special training master and he teaches you
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 53. Last One Out
As soon as I left the Palace grounds, the difference was immediately noticeable. The posters with my face on them had all gone and I felt anonymous again. Just the way I liked it.Still, I didn’t want to take unnecessary risks, so I put my hat on and kept to the side streets on my way back to the inn.The others were in the courtyard, waiting for the dinner service to start. I could hear them laughing and chatting from outside, and they irritated me even more once I saw them smiling and full of beans. They looked well-rested and well-fed.I, on the other hand, had only had a couple of sandwiches all day and was barely able to walk.“Hey! You’re back!” shouted Maurice as I walked in, although they were all having such a good time, I’m surprised he noticed.“You were gone a long time,” said Claire. “We were starting to worry you’d been thrown in the dungeons.”“You didn’t sound very worried,” I said rather more bitterly than I intended. The smile
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 54. Save The Frog
Once Fengarad was out of sight I felt a lot better. Whatever was going on back there, our non-participation filled me with a sense of accomplishment. In a game, beating the final boss is what most people think of as winning. When it’s for real, success is never even meeting the final boss.It took us all day to reach the outskirts of the marshlands. There was still a way to go until we got to the lakes and ponds, but getting off the road and into the tall grass helped put my mind further at ease.We made camp for the night and ate some food. Getting back into our old routine was surprisingly easy and I didn’t even have to organise the guard duty. Everyone knew what to do.The next day was spent walking with no random encounters, no dangers needing to be avoided.Everything was going smoothly. But I’d seen too many slasher movies where a bunch of kids go hiking in the woods only to find themselves hunted by a madman who can’t be killed. The happier and jollie
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 55. Trade Agreement With Nabbo
The success of our rescue mission put everyone at ease and introductions were made in an air of friendship and mutual respect. Beautiful, right? Two different species, once enemies, now allies, helping each other survive in a perilous world. I can hear violins swelling just thinking about it.The truth was our little union made us targets for both sides. If our arrangement was discovered the shit storm that would rain down on us would be fierce and final. Every silver lining has a cloud.Still, we were in the middle of nowhere and everyone else was busy fighting a war, so we at least had time to enjoy a meal. The frogwoman was keen to try out the pots we had brought for her and set to fixing dinner for us.Like Nabbo, their names were impossible to pronounce. The magic that let us understand what they said in English didn’t translate their names for some reason, so I decided to give them names. This could be seen as condescending — it’s not very politically correct
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 56. Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby
I stared at my finger for what seemed like forever, although I was still a bit stoned so it may only have been five second. With my other hand, I touched the blue flame dancing on the top of my index finger. It didn’t feel very hot, but it was definitely there.A gentle breeze drifted in from across the water and the flame went out. I continued to stare at what was now just my finger, then I repeated the hand movements to bring the flame back. Nothing happened.I tried a number of times, but I couldn’t make it reappear. It was fine, though. The flame had definitely been real and if it was possible once, it meant it was possible again. Just knowing that made a huge difference. Now I just had to figure out how I’d done it.My first thought was that the weed was responsible. Perhaps it contained some magical ingredient that allowed the smoker to do magic. But there was one flaw in this theory, which was Pitt. I had seen him do magic with the fish-calling, and he didn’
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 57. Dudley Done Right
For the next week, life was nice and relaxed. Nobody wanted to kill us, and we didn’t want to kill anyone; other than a few fish who, let’s face it, were too delicious to live.Claire was still a bit pissed off with me, but she had forgiven Maurice, at least that’s what it sounded like every night. Now that I knew they were all at it, I became aware of all sorts of sounds and I ended up moving my tent away from the camp just so I could get a decent night’s sleep.I may have convinced them to try other forms of intercourse, but I really didn’t want to be within earshot of cries like, “No, no, take it out. Take it out!” And that was Maurice’s voice.We fished, we swam, we messed around with swords. It was supposed to be hardcore training, but I don’t think you could call it anything other than messing around.I showed them all the moves the Princess had taught me, but I didn’t really have them down well enough to teach others. Still, it gave everyone a little
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