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81. Locked In
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2021-09-13 17:13:28
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis ย ย ย 82. Assault On Pickled Gherkin
Lanterns gave The Pickled Gherkin a warm cosy feel, but the soft orange light only reached about halfway up the stairs, after which I was quickly enveloped in pitch black. I slowed as I reached the top, took one step onto the landing, and bumped into the back of Jenny.She threw her arms behind her and grabbed hold of me like sheโd been waiting for me. โShh.โI get it. I know, I was being manipulated. She had me doing exactly what she wanted and she did it without even having to ask. Masterful. But being aware of it made little difference. I was still just a guy with all the regular guy bits and pieces. Itโs hard to resist a pretty girl who gives you the eye, even if sheโs just stringing you along. The chance that one day, maybe, perhaps, sometime in the future she might let you into her pants is enough to get most of us to act like fucking retards.We stood there pressed tightly together, listening to the sounds of movement on the roof overhead. Ahead of us, there
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๋ฐ์ดํธ : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis ย ย ย 83. The Doctor Is In
โOkay,โ I said. โIโm going in.โUnder normal circumstances, this sort of thing would happen with both people getting hot and heavy, some kissing, various body parts rubbing against each other, a sense of excitement in the air... in this case, not so much.Being unable to see anything other than dark blotches on a background of even darker blotches also added to the strangeness. I finally had the chance to be intimate with the girl I liked and it was about as sexy as a gynaecological examination.I probably sound a bit self-involved. After all, she was badly injured and in a lot of pain. Did it really matter if I wasnโt able to enjoy this moment for its eroticism? Of course not. Getting turned on would be inappropriate. Although, inappropriate sexiness is one of the best kinds of sexiness.No. This was a medical emergency and I was doing what I had to. That was all. One hundred percent. Plus or minus five percent standard deviation. You always have to allow f
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๋ฐ์ดํธ : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis ย ย ย 84. The Waiting Game
โHeโs probably going to come at us with everything, isnโt he?โ I said to Enwye.โOh, I donโt know about that. Thing about Crunchy is, heโs never been a big risk taker. Likes things to be in his favour before he makes a move. Sending out those boys naked like that would have put the wind right up him.โThe only reason Iโd made them all strip was so the uniform Iโd given Little Chicken wouldnโt be missed. But returning prisoners naked also had a nice psychological effect.I went and sat down in the booth at the back of the pub, exhausted from all the running around and hitting people from behind. Just because it was cowardly and dishonourable didnโt mean it wasnโt tiring.Enwye went back up and nailed the door shut in case our little subterfuge didnโt work, although I wasnโt sure it would stop them if they really wanted to get through. A couple of slams with those shoulderpads would probably leave the door in smithereens.But theyโd have to come through
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๋ฐ์ดํธ : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis ย ย ย 85. Stone Cold
Despite my general poor attitude towards women, especially those around my own age, I donโt see females as inferior to males. In some cases, they are superior.Men have a history of abusing women. Of taking advantage of them and forcing them to do things they donโt want to. But women have their own way of righting the balance. They may not be stronger or faster or be able to park cars in a perfectly reasonable parking space, but one thing is certainly to their advantage: they made us. And creators know their creations better than anyone.The relationship between men and older women โ not just their own mothers, but all mothers โ is a complicated one. Doesnโt matter if itโs a loving, adoring mother or a cruel, vindictive one. You canโt treat them however you want. You canโt say, โLook, old woman, this is how it is and if you donโt like it, scram.โ Try it. Enjoy the utter devastation as your psyche implodes from a simple look of disappointment.The women marching tow
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๋ฐ์ดํธ : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis ย ย ย 86. Back To Mine
Neither of us were in a mood to rush back to our lodgings. We wandered through the empty streets like a couple taking an early morning stroll.The corpses weโd left lying in the street, blood pooling around them, didnโt figure very much in my thoughts. Neither did the memory of sliding my hand inside Jennyโs underwear (although I certainly intended to have a long hard think about that later). What preoccupied my mind was what I would do next time Jenny decided to rush headlong towards danger.She had every right to go around kicking wasp nests if she wanted to, but I didnโt particularly want to get stung. And yet, would I be able to back off and leave her to it? Thatโs what I should do, but part of me wanted her to get in trouble just so I could rescue her. So I could be her hero.Yes, I realise how idiotic that is. This is what happens when you start to develop feelings for a girl. Stupid shit.What I needed to do was stop mooning over the pretty girl next
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๋ฐ์ดํธ : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis ย ย ย 87. The Dao of Colin
Anyone can lose their way. Doesnโt matter how fervently you believe, your faith can abandon you. Distractions will lead you away from the path, and send you on a detour you may never return from.I had been weak. I had been tempted by nice, well-meaning people. Trust. Friendship. Loyalty. All the warm-fuzzies had laid siege to my resolve and cracked it wide open. For a moment there, I actually started to believe I too could become a normie.Find a nice girl, settle down, live the dream. It was, of course, ridiculous. Time to wake the fuck up.โYouโll be on your own, so any problems, do your best.โ I gave Claire a thumbs up and left the room.โDonโt be surprised when we come back with the spike,โ Claire called after me.โRemember to have fun,โ I shouted back.I had been up all night and needed some sleep. As soon as I got in my room, I closed the curtains, stripped off and got into bed. I fell asleep immediately.I donโt know if I dreamt
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๋ฐ์ดํธ : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis ย ย ย 88. Blind Manโs Bluff
In truth, I know exactly how I ended up back at the Sheaf.Once I had accepted the end of my time as leader, I made the mistake of going into Jennyโs room. I just wanted to say goodbye to what could have been. Iโm human, I have regrets. Even though I never really got to be with her, except in medical terms, I would still miss her.And also, who knew what I might find lying about?What I found was a very neat and tidy room, bed perfectly made and even some flowers in a vase. And an envelope on the bedside cabinet. With my name on it.I opened it, of course. Mistake right there.Kizwat. Hammer and Tong Hostel.There was no other message, no explanation. She wanted me to know how to find Kizwat, if I had reason to. And as it happened...The Hammer and Tong was a lot nicer than our inn. A small fountain in the courtyard; rose covered trestles against the walls; a guy playing flute as the guests picked from an extensive breakfast buffet.
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๋ฐ์ดํธ : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis ย ย ย 89. The Word Of God
We made our way down to the eighth floor. We passed no one on the way down, although the stone steps were worn and dented from much use. The temperature noticeably rose as we reached the bottom. Balmy.Unlike the previous levels, there was only one door down here. It went from floor to ceiling, which must have been at least ten feet. No doorbell. Or knocker. Or handle. But there was a small black hole right in the centre.The Guildmaster placed his mouth over the hole and spoke. โHello, God?โ His voice boomed out like he was doing a mic check in a stadium. โItโs me, Master Garet.โWe stood there waiting, me and Kizwat, the Guildmaster and his two men. We had dispensed with the Swayze fan club, for the time being at least.Echoing footsteps could be heard on the other side, then a smaller panel in the door opened and a manโs face appeared. He had very dark skin, big, chubby cheeks, a neatly trimmed afro with heavy sideburns and a thin moustache.โOh, h
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๋ฐ์ดํธ : 2021-09-13
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis ย ย ย 244. Donโt Forget to Breathe
Claire stabbed me. She didnโt know I was in here, but would that have made a difference?The moment the blade entered my chest, I felt a rush of cold go through me like smoke through a keyhole. Everything began shaking. I was falling apart.โWhat are yoโ doing?โ screamed Flossie.โItโs not him,โ said Maurice. โColinโs safe. This is just his body. We have to stop them now, or weโll never get another chance.โIt had never been a great body, but โjust his bodyโ seemed a little harsh.Was this part of some big plan? Maurice had always been good at seeing patterns and drawing conclusions. He wasnโt always right, but he was starting to have faith in himself. They all were. Dangerous times.If you joined up the dots and they formed a picture, it would make sense to assume thatโs the picture you were meant to find. Maurice had decided this was the picture he had seen. Kill Peter, kill Wesley. Leave no one powerful enough to threaten the rest of us.
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis ย ย ย 243. The Older Woman
By this point, I considered darkness to be an old friend. Considering how my friends had been treating me of late, my buddy darkness was probably hiding monsters that would eat my face.The voice Iโd heard had sounded feminine, although I wasnโt about to assume gender. These days, that sort of thinking can get you in all sorts of trouble. If it was a woman, my track record with females in dark places wasnโt good, but I wasnโt about to generalise about that either.Yes, women had treated me poorly, often trying to kill me, torture me and nag me to death. I didnโt hold a grudge. Women arenโt all the same. I never think, Oh, yes, sheโs just like all the others. Theyโre all individuals. They each have their own preferred method for ruining your life. Some of them even do it by ignoring you. Theyโre my favourite.I listened for any follow-up threats. There were always follow-up threats. Everyone had too much fun arranging my demise to not announce their plans.No
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis ย ย ย 242. Further Beyond
It wasnโt like Claire suddenly transforming was a bad thing. When the Fire Nation attacks, you want someone to change into their Avatar state. She was more Korra than Aang, but who knew what she was capable of now?I suddenly felt a sense of loss at not having Maurice around to swap pop culture analogies with. Itโs all very well having people standing beside you in times of trouble, but it leaves an unsatisfactory feeling when they donโt understand your references.We had a giant Elf with a handful of twats coming at us, so Claire going blue-eyes white dragon was a good thing, even if she had no idea what a blue-eyes white dragon was. Whatever had been behind the wall in the crypt, it had presumably exited via Claire and taken up residence.Normally, that would be a cause for concern. How often has the thing bricked up inside a church been a chill dude who got trapped by accident? No, it was always some abused child whose vengeful spirit was now going to wreak havo
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis ย ย ย 241. Sister of No Mercy
โBut why?โ asked Claire, her hands shaking by her side.Maurice had a ferocious grin on his face, the kind only severe embarrassment can produce. Despite any reasons and justifications he might have, when you get caught doing something you know you shouldnโt do โ because all the Pixar movies youโve ever seen have clearly identified it for you โ thereโs no way to stop your body from producing all the โoh fuckโ hormones it contains, and sending them to your face.โYou went inside my mind and took my memories from me.โ This was what Claire was really upset about. Not that Maurice had betrayed us and aligned himself with the enemy, but that he had crossed her personal boundaries.โIt wasnโt like that,โ whispered Maurice. He was keeping his words quiet as though they would hurt less that way, but they filled the silent crypt we were standing in. โI did what I thought was best.โโBest?! You thought lying to me was best?โ The surprise of it was wearing off now, and
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis ย ย ย 240. Cockblocula
It might have seemed a bit risky to call out Joshaya. He was the person Iโd been trying to avoid, after all. If him catching up with me unravelled Mauriceโs power, meeting him could kill me. But that was also why it was safe to do so.If this version of Arthur was really Joshaya, then Iโd already been in his presence, even told him I was dead, and was still alive.If I was wrong, it wouldnโt change anything, and if I was right, I should already be dead. Unless there was more to this whole being dead business than first appeared.I didnโt need to understand exactly how all this mumbo jumbo worked to realise whoever was holding death over my head as a threat, was also making sure I didnโt die.Not to blow my own horn (every boyโs dream), but I was important enough to keep alive. They needed me. Which gave me some leverage. Until I became so irritating that they gave up on their plans and killed me anyway.Joshaya rose to a vertical position like some un
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis ย ย ย 239. Planning for the Future
We headed out of the temple with two of our members in wheelbarrows. Normally this would require some explaining. People donโt just push around unconscious bodies in gardening equipment, unless itโs a stag do thatโs going very well.In this case, however, we were aided by the presence of druids, the local religious weirdos who everyone did their best to ignore.Coupled with the fact we were coming out of the temple everyone believed could do no wrong (never fails to amaze me how ready the faithful are to confuse turn the other cheek with turn a blind eye) and they assumed we must have had a good reason to use this particular form of public transportation.The crowds in the square simply parted for us as they went about their business. My own thoughts were preoccupied with the strong suspicion that Arthur, the one in the crypt, was another manifestation of Joshaya. The roleplaying was of a very high standard, and the cosmetic touches were really well done, but there
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis ย ย ย 238. Lead Me Not into Temptation
โDestroy? You mean as in kill? You want to kill Peter.โ The voice, for all its unsettling menace โ hard to come across as anything else when youโre emanating from a stone coffin โ had a tinge of genuine shock to it. He was horrified by the prospect of what Iโd suggested. โOh, I couldnโt do that. Absolutely not.โDisappointing.โYou donโt control dead people, then? You arenโt a necromancer?โโI told you, Iโm a vivimancer.โโIโm sorry, Iโve never heard of that before. What does it mean?โโIt means I can heal, I can prolong life. Other peopleโs and my own. Itโs the reason Iโm in here. My body was starved of food and air, but my life force abides.โโYou arenโt dead?โโI am and I am not.โโAnd Peter put you here, but you still donโt want to get him back?โโNot by robbing him of life. I mean, I wouldnโt like it if someone did that to me, so why would I do it to someone else?โSomeone had done it to him. I didnโt point this
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis ย ย ย 237. Hold the Moan
There were four lights in all. Three smaller one, and the big one that seemed to do all the talking. The red balls hanging in the air suggested eyes, but not in a Sauron โI see everythingโ kind of way, more a HAL โHello, Daveโ kind of way. A harmonised version of Daisy, Daisy could break out at any moment.Thereโs a rumour, strongly denied, that HAL, in the movie 2001, was meant to represent the firm IBM. If you take a letter away from each of the letters in I-B-M you get H-A-L.But it was never the hardware that was going to be the problem for the future of mankind. If you made the same kind of movie today, the insane AI watching your every move would be something more like Facebook, but youโd face the same problem. You couldnโt use the name without getting sued. Youโd have to take a letter away from each of its initials to make up a completely fictitious evil company. FB would become... Oh, wait.โYou have returned to set us free,โ said the big light. There was a
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis ย ย ย 236. Freedom for All
Jenny was not happy. She was the sort of person who prided herself on not being a nag. She presented herself as a supportive partner willing to back me up in whatever retarded idea I came up with. Sheโd tell me it was retarded, but that wouldnโt stop her having my back.Which is cool. People should only tell you not to do something if they have a better option. One they know works due to experience and wisdom, not because they think it will help them whore karma on Reddit.Under those conditions, hardly anyone would get to tell anyone else what to do. People would make mistakes, of course, but they would be valuable mistakes that would help the person grow and improve.This time, however, Jenny was not in the mood to stand by and allow me to go skipping off into the jaws of danger. Not without her mooring line firmly attached.โIf he disconnects himself from me,โ said Jenny, โwonโt he die? I thought I was the only thing keeping him alive.โโYes. Techn
