A Replacement

"Alaric has lost a child before. You must understand. He will be careful...too careful. Because the last time..." She trails off, as if realising she has said too much.

Her eyes soften as she watches my expression, but the damage has been done.

I did not think I know everything there is to know about Alaric, but I also cannot have imagined that there is even more tying Carla and I together.

Not only do I look exactly like her, I'm in the exact same state she was when she died. Carrying the child of her mate.

The firelight outside flickers, but the warmth has been sucked from the air, replaced with something colder, heavier.

I can still hear the distant hum of voices, Alaric's among them. He has no notion what is being said here, in this small, dimly lit room where the weight of his past has just been deposited on my shoulders.

I can hardly breathe.

Alaric's mate died carrying his child.

And now here I am.

A replacement.

I barely hear Maggie's voice beside me, offering reassurances I can't absorb.

I'm not just carrying my child, I'm carrying the weight of the past, of someone else’s loss. The hope of another chance at the same love and future he had lost...but the thing is, I'm not Carla.

I won't ever be Carla and the thought that I will live the rest of my life in her shadow and my child too in the shadow of hers...it terrifies me to my bones.

The room closes into a circle around me, walls shutting out the light, the light from the lantern bleeding into darkness.

A substitute.

My heart thuds hard in my ears, the laughter in the dining room sounds farther away now. My fingers rest on my stomach, my breath shallow.

"Kyra?"

Maggie's voice pierces through the fog, reminding me this was neither the time nor place to spiral or let my thoughts get the better of me. I strain my throat to open, but as I attempt to speak, my voice is hoarse and distant. "He...lost them both?

She pauses, lips compressing to a thin line, and nods. "It was… hard. For him, for all of them. He doesn't talk about it, not even to us and he stopped hosting the games since it happened so he barely comes here anymore...they used to come here together, perhaps being here reminds him too much of her."

"He hasn't brought anyone else...not until now. You must understand, child, that this is not a simple thing for him. If he guards you too closely, if he is short-tempered or harsh, it's not you. It's the fear of losing again."

I hardly catch the words beyond the storm in my mind.

Alaric had a child. And he lost the baby along with Carla.

I have been gazing at him so long in the eye of what he stole from me, my decisions, my freedom. That I haven't looked at what was stolen from him. And now suddenly everything changed.

The way he's been looking at me. The way his fingers would sometimes curl at his hips like he was fighting the impulse to reach out...to touch. The flicker of something unsaid in his eyes when he catches me thoughtlessly laying a hand on my stomach.

It has never been about me personally. It is about what I stand for... what I represent.

I'm not just pregnant with his child. I'm pregnant with his second chance.

I swallow the hump in my throat. "Does he..." My voice breaks and I have to clear it again before attempting another try. "Does he believe I'm a replacement?"

Maggie's brow furrows in a look I can't quite place, sympathy, maybe, or something heavier, something darker. "That's not up to me to say."

But she doesn't deny it. And that is all the answer I need.

The walls close in once more. The cozy, comforting air that had reassured me but a little while before now smothers me, harsh and suffocating. My skin crawls, my stomach heaves.

Today I let my guard down...allowed myself to let my guard down and feel safe in this moment, on this island, with him.

I don't even know what I was thinking. 

And now?

Now I feel like I've been acting in a tale that has never been mine to start with. Just a cannon fodder in this drama that was Alaric's undying love for Carla.

A voice from the dinning area breaks me out of my round of thinking.

Alaric.

"Stealing her away?" His tone is light, teasing, oblivious to the weight, like lead, that has just settled into my chest.

Maggie tightens her hand around mine, her fingers soft, reassuring me. "He has many shadows...that one, as many as those he command as his element. But you are not one of them...you are not a shadow, child." Her tone was gentle now, compassionate. "Don't forget it."

I nod, but I can't promise I am going to remember.

Not anymore.

As I make my way back to the main room, the air is filled with heat, laughter, and residual tensions of spice and smoke. Alaric leans against the door, arms casually crossed, his eyes darting to mine instantly.

Something in his expression relaxes at the sight of me, like it's almost instinctual. "You alright?"

Even that unconscious gesture, I question. Who does he see in that moment? Me? Or Carla 

I smile, though it doesn't quite make it into my eyes. "Yeah," I lie. "Fine."

He stares at me for another moment, his eyes taking in every detail. But he doesn't push. He merely leans forward, resting his head on the door.

"Come on," he says. "I have something to show you before the day's over."

I nod numbly, moving towards him.

But as I step out of the doorway once more, back into the cold sea air, I know one thing with complete certainty.

Nothing will ever be so light between us anymore.