Chapter four

ALLIE

The anxiety that eats away at my chest is breathtaking, my heart's unbridled beating doesn't allow me to think calmly, my wild thoughts flood me in a pit of pain and despair. I thunder my fingers, shake my hands, pull my hair, sob and toss and turn in bed but nothing manages to calm me.

The anxiety attacks have become more frequent, no matter how much medication I am taking, they always return in some form or another.

I feel dizzy, nauseous and a pain that squeezes my chest and shatters at every second, my body trembles and sweats. It cries out for help.

I desperately run to grab my cell phone to call mom, I can't yell to her from here, my vocal cords seem to have sealed up almost completely and my voice doesn't come out very well, over the phone she will hear me and she knows what to do in a situation like this.

One beep, two beeps, three, four... it takes almost an eternity until....

“Hello?”

A manly voice answers the call and I despair even more, that's not mom but I don't care, whoever it is, help me calm down or else I'll explode.

“Help me, I can't... I can't breathe,” I stammer in a whisper and sob.

The person on the other end of the line remains silent for a few seconds until he decides to speak, and I recognize his voice amidst my mental chaos. It's Rie, I called him and not mom.

“Shhhhh, breathe with me, breathe. Breathe in... breathe out”

I shake my head frantically even though he can't see me and more tears overflow from my eyes.

“I cannot, I am weak, I cannot”

“Yes you can,” she encourages me, “you can do it. It's all in your head, don't let it dominate you. Repeat after me, I'm fine, I'm safe, I'm safe”

I close my eyes tightly.

“I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm safe, I'm safe. I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm safe, I'm safe. I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm safe, I'm safe”

I take a small breath of air and repeat the same thing several more times until slowly my anxiety subsides and I begin to fall into reality.

I called Rie, the stranger who has been writing to me, and it's not that that has me thinking, but something else.

Why does his voice sound so familiar?

But before I can question my doubt any further I hear his voice through my cell phone.

“Are you all right?”

“I'm sorry” I stutter nervously because he heard my anxiety attack.

Now who knows what he'll do, mock me while reminding me how pathetic I am to have called him. I'm such a fool, I didn't notice who he was calling and now I'll have to deal with someone who must think I'm the least stable girl in the world.

“Don't be ashamed of this, I don't think you're stupid,” he says as if he can read my thoughts and I keep silent, “it's normal to lose control. We are human beings who can easily drown in our emotions, we just have to learn to control them. It is not an easy task but it is not impossible either”

Anxiety is replaced by shame but at the same time a strange tranquility.

“When you need to talk to someone, don't hesitate to call me” and that ends the call.