Chapter 03: The Quandary

MY legs weakened, and I lost my equilibrium, so I crumpled to the ground from the heaviness of what I had been feeling, as if several tons of lightning had buffeted me in the sky all over my body. I could only feel the anguish it manufactured. Over time, the tears that I had been trying to suppress fell, running down my face. 

Carmina crouched down next to me and opened her two hands wide, as if encouraging me to place my head on hers. She embraced me, as if she didn’t want to let go of me and lose sight of me. Even she was trembling in fear and grief at what was happening in our lives.

“I-I’m sorry Alejandro... I can’t do anything,” she said, feeling guilty, so I hugged her back.

“Don’t cry... I understand you had to choose between me and our baby, and I am grateful that you saved our baby,” I whispered in her ears.

“Stop crying, okay?” She just nodded while hugging me. 

Sometimes in our lives, we must make sacrifices that are beyond our capacity and power because we don’t have any other options, hahaha. We don’t always have selections to choose from; sometimes you have to settle for what’s already there, even if there isn’t one you prefer. 

Our life is not multiple choice where we can pick the letter D for none of the above as the answer. 

There is always a parent depicted as a tyrant in their child’s life, and once they make a judgment, we have no choice but to obey it, especially if we are merely humble disciples of them.

“I’m sorry Alejandro. I hope I didn’t entice you to make love to me on that day, so we won’t wind up in this situation,” she said while crying, so I put my hand on her face and lifted it to look into her eyes. I brushed her tears away before responding. “Shh... It’s not your fault, okay? We both like it, so don’t blame yourself,” I hushed her.

I clenched my fist. This is entirely my fault. I did not know we’d be caught that day, and it had never occurred to me that the steamy night we had that day would bring fruit.

Last week was our second anniversary as a couple. It was also the day when I said goodbye to my parents that I would study at my classmate’s house, but I didn’t expect my parents not to believe me. He asked my colleagues what the purpose of our study group was, and one of them said that we had just finished our exam and were taking a break that day. Fortunately, my parents did not question me the subsequent day when I returned home, even though they knew I was lying, but I did not expect them to instill resentment and distrust in me.

I courted Carmina for about a year surreptitiously, so we wouldn’t get discovered, and she responded to me immediately, a few days after our Senior High School graduation day.

I never envisioned that all the time and effort we put into one another would be for naught because of one day’s blunder. No, it wasn’t a day of mistakes because we all lavished our affection on it, and it bore an angel. The only failure that transpired there was when we were caught.

I never imagined that I would have to let go of everything and become a horrible person in their eyes to save an innocent and naïve angel, but I’d rather do it to save Carmina and our child. 

I recall all of my father’s lectures to me that if he ever had a dilemma and had to pick between saving his life and saving his family, he would save his family because he couldn’t bear to see the departure of his wife and children before him. He also stated that if he were the only one left alive, his life would have been meaningless. It’s as if he’s physically alive but has lost his will to live, and I feel the same way. I can’t handle the thought of Carmina being harmed and losing our child because we unintentionally entangled my baby in our problems.

I grabbed Carmina’s hand. “But what about my parents? I don’t want them to become embroiled in these shambles. They are innocent people who have been dragged into our mess,” I said while looking at her eyes with pity. 

“Don’t worry, Alejandro, I’ll talk to Dad not to touch them but...” she suddenly cut off what she was going to say and looked at me. “You must admit the controversy you did not commit and inform the police that you assaulted me,” she said in a depressing voice.

I bit my lower lip. “I will accept all of your father’s allegations against me, even if they are completely untrue, as long as no one endangers you.”

I’m willing to make a sacrifice if it means keeping you secure.

“How can you be certain? They will imprison you for the rest of your life, Alejandro!”

“I know, but you’re going to visit me in jail, right? Hahaha,” I made a lighthearted joke. I expected her to chastise me for making such a terrible joke, but all she did was avoid looking at me. When she didn’t respond, I knew something wasn’t right. 

I flashed a bitter smile.

“About that Alejandro—” she couldn’t finish what she was about to say when her smartphone rang. I could see the terror in her eyes as she glanced at the caller’s name. I gave a melancholy smile. I knew this was the ultimate time I’d seen her. She walked away from me and answered the call.

I overheard her yelling and seemed agitated with the person she was speaking with before she hung up the phone. Her shoulder sagged as she walked towards me.

“Alejandro, I need to go now because my father’s guards are already looking for me,” she said in a sad voice, but before she left, I grabbed her hand and restrained her.

“Why?” she asked in confusion, but I just didn’t answer it. I knelt and lifted her dress to kiss her belly where our baby was. 

“Even though our baby is only a week old, it’s still my child, hahaha... I’m still your father, aren’t I, baby?” I jokingly questioned her tummy and kissed it repeatedly. “I’m going to miss you and your mother... Take care of her when you’re older, okay? Daddy loves you.” as I muttered those sentences, my voice quivered in sadness, and tears rushed running down my face. Bidding farewell is still too agonizing.

“You must have grown up being courteous to your acquaintances and family, okay? You won’t be able to grow up with Daddy, so you’ll have to learn to stand on your own.” I felt as if a dagger had repeatedly pierced my heart as I uttered those words, knowing that I could not witness my child’s growth.

I could hear Carmina’s sobs. “Even when Daddy is far away, he is continuously watching and thinking about you.”

“You should study hard and consume nutritious food so you can grow up healthy,” I murmured, my eyes welling up with tears.

I kissed Carmina’s belly one last time before saying goodbye. “I love you so much, Baby.” I fixed Carmina’s dress and whirled on my shorts before standing up.

She hugged me tightly and cried. “I love you so much, Alejandro,” she said. 

“I love you too Carmina,” I replied to her. I touched her cheek and pressed on our foreheads before savoring the last kiss we would share.

I immediately broke our kiss. “Goodbye, Carmina... You should go now. Your daddy is looking for you,” I informed her. I wiped her tears away as she looked at me.

“Stop crying. If you keep crying, the baby will resemble me,” I teased her. “You don’t want to make our baby look hideous, do you?” I said, laughing. 

“You should go now, okay?” I said and smiled at her, as if to indicate that everything would be fine. 

She smiled at me back. “Goodbye, Alejandro...” It was the last thing she said before turning her back on me. I looked behind her as she drifted away from me.

“This is the end, and I’m happy with the moments I’ve had with you, Carmina,” I whispered to myself. 

I left the bridge and go to a homeless encampment in a remote place to live for a few days. I stayed with the other mendicant who was wandering along the road. There are also naughty children here, and I am always their favorite target to mess with.

The news spread out that I was a sexual predator and that the police were searching for me. Fortunately, no one reported me here since they were escaped prisoners, and the police were also hunting them. 

I had intended to surrender myself to the police, but while I was staying here, something entered my mind that I just needed to get out of their lives, so they wanted me to rot in prison. It was as though a wicked devil in my head told me to commit suicide.

Suddenly, a scenario entered my mind that if they detained me, they would just torture and kill me so that I would vanish from their path forever. Why don’t I simply kill myself if they’re plotting to kill me, anyway?

gripping the knife, I was ready to stab myself when an old man intervened.

“Are you crazy? If you want to commit suicide, don’t do it here! You’re going to give us more trouble!” he shouted at me. 

I had forgotten that I had a companion in this tiny house built entirely of wood and plastic. I didn’t come back right immediately after saying I’d just go get some water in the kitchen because I was intending to commit suicide.

“If I hadn’t looked at what you were doing in the kitchen, then the kitchen would have been inundated with blood!” He took all the sharp things I could use to kill myself before he left. 

I sat dejectedly on the ground. “There is still a dictator in my plans to kill myself?!” I said annoyingly to myself. I just fell asleep while thinking of different ways to commit suicide. 

The next morning, I went underneath the bridge to kill myself because there is a river nearby and I planned to drown myself, but when I arrived, the water in the river was only one meter, not enough to kill me. 

I angrily left the river. “Even nature is against you, Alejandro!” I murmured. 

I went to the abandoned building, and I saw a rope attached in the middle of the floor, and there was also a small chair to step on. 

“Someone had planned to commit suicide here, but they backed down?” I whispered to myself. 

I moved toward it and took the chair to get it closer to the rope because it was too far away, but when I lifted the chair, there was a piece of paper that fell on the ground. I opened it and found something written on it.

Hello dear humans. 

If you are reading this letter, I know you want to commit suicide, right?

I absurdly say, “Yes.”

If I’m correct, I’d just like to inform you that today is your lucky day! Because you now have the opportunity to win millions of dollars!

My forehead furrowed. “I don’t need money. I won’t be able to take the money to my burial.”

You may wonder what you will do with that enormous sum of money, but I have a question for you... Do you want to repent?

“Repent? I have done nothing wrong hahaha...” I said, laughing, but suddenly what happened to my parents and Carmina after the problem I created flashed back into my mind. I just put the scenarios out of my thoughts and kept reading.

If you have committed many sins, why don’t you do something good once in your life before you die?

I thought attentively while biting my bottom lip. I would not inflict my parents’ anguish if I did this. Mom will no longer sell vegetables at the market, dad will no longer toil away on the farm, and my sister will graduate from college. I can also contribute financially to Carmina to prepare for our future child. I know they have a lot of money installed for Carmina’s pregnancy, but I also want to do something beneficial for our child as a father, even if it’s only here. 

I also plan to commit suicide. Why don’t I do it? “Yes! I’ll do everything,” I replied to the message as if I were talking to it. 

If you agree, you need to participate in our Live suicide! You will commit suicide in front of many people virtually in exchange for big money.

My forehead wrinkled. “Is this true? Someone pay me money to commit suicide?” I asked myself.

If you are wondering if this is true, this is legit! We have an exclusive platform where you can put an end to your life and only elite people can watch it. 

“Wealthy people can’t seem to make excellent decisions to use their money wisely, hahaha...” I said with no smug in my face. 

If you want to proceed, please leave this abandoned building. Thank you!

 -end- 

Sincerely, 

Diabolos. 

“Huh, that’s all?” I asked in astonishment. 

Even though I was hesitant about whether it was true, I still followed what it stated in the letter. As I walked away, I could hear my footsteps and the weight of my breathing; I was the only one in this place.

I rolled my eyes as soon as I stepped outside the building. What should I do after I exit the building? There is nothing attached to the letter that shows what I will do afterward.

‘Ugh, they have fooled me,’ I said to myself. 

I was about to return to the abandoned building to commit suicide when I noticed two men approaching me. They were wearing black clothes and shorts while a mask covered their faces. They also had handkerchiefs, injections, and rope in both of their hands.

“F*ck, someone seems to want to assassinate me before I even try to kill myself,” I said while cursing multiple times.

I was about to run away from them when a man spoke. “Hello! We’re not here to harm you. You’re interested in live suicide, right?” Even though I was hesitating, I just nodded. 

“Yes! How did you know?” I asked them.

“Hmm... We are members of the live suicide team. We are the underlings; the ones that bring those who will take part in suicide,” he replied. 

“Did you set up the equipment here and leave a letter?” They nodded.

“We have been watching this location for a long time to urge people who want to commit suicide to take part in live suicide.”

“Hmm... Okay.” I had never seen them before because I just stayed under the bridge for a few hours and I didn’t leave the spot either.

“Now that we’re done talking, you can sign this contract to be officially Suicider in live suicide.” He handed me a contract and a pen. I read the contract before signing it.

“Thank you,” I said once I returned the contract and pen to them. I found nothing suspicious about the contract. The contract just stipulates that once I sign, I may not escape or leave. I also discovered that the amount of money I will receive is determined by how much money the viewers will pay for my life.

Suddenly, an idea entered my mind that if they were truly furious with me, they would spend a large sum of money to have me killed. They also accused me of being a rapist... Why don’t I make this the reason I want to die?

 I gave a mischievous grin.

“We should go now. Man, I need to inject you with some drugs to put you asleep,” they said, so I just nodded. I just felt a needle prick me before the darkness engulfed me.