Losing the Lonely

Breakup

Early morning in Lara’s apartment. She decided to break up with Nathaniel.  To Lara it seems to be the best choice.  She wanted to be in a loving, trusting, comfortable relationship, but this. This thing between her and Nathaniel isn’t what she thought a relationship should be. “I don’t see us progressing into a real relationship.  We haven’t even gone on a real date the whole year we supposedly been dating,” Lara said to Nathaniel.  “Why do we have to be more than what we are.  Don’t we have a good thing going on between us” Nathaniel said.  Lara was dumbfounded.  She thought to herself, is this the type of relationship he longs for, because it sure isn’t something that I want.  “I want to have a boyfriend, who wants to be with me, who I am comfortable with, and he is comfortable with me. I want to be able to go out in public to enjoy each other and hold hands.  You know, like what people in relationships do,” Lara said in an exasperated voice.  Her emotions are bordering sad and furious.  “But we don’t need to be like everyone else.  We can just stay home.  Together.  Isn’t that enough,” Nathaniel said, but not really getting it.  Lara was at a loss for words.  After a few heartbeats she said, “Seriously! You make plans with your friends, who, by the way, are not only guys but also women too. Why am I not good enough to make plans and go out too?  Where do I rank on the list of important people in your life” Lara argued.  Her voice wasn’t loud, but stern.  She stood there with her eyes shooting daggers into his eyes.  “They are just friends” he said to her.  Before I could stop myself, words came falling out of my mouth, “that’s my point.  They get all of you, while I only get the one that wants to stay at home.  I am not even on your list of important people in your life.  They know more about you than I do, and when I say that I mean that you actually talk with them.  I want that. That is why we are done.”  I couldn’t help myself.  “Just like that” he responded incredulously.  “It’s been a year, when have we ever gone out together” she asked as she folded her arms across her chest.  “When we first met” he finally said after thinking it over.  Was he kidding, she thought.  “We weren’t dating then,” she replied, lifting her hands in the air making air quotes when saying dating. 

Six months after the break-up

The tears kept falling down my eyes from the sadness my heart is feeling.  I have never felt heartbreak before but today my heart has learned what that word, heartbreak, means.  It’s been 24 hours since the tears started to fall.  My body is numb.  My thoughts are filled with despair.  My face has lost its glow.  I’ve been laying on my bed, snuggled under the covers since I found out the news.  “It only took him 6 months to marry another woman. Why couldn’t it have been with me” I said through my sobs.  I left Nathaniel because he wasn’t ready to marry.  I’ve been with him for 1 year and all he gave me was a promise ring.  At that time, I made it clear that I didn’t want to be a live-in girlfriend.  I wanted more or at least talk about the relationship.  If we both didn’t see the relationship going anywhere, then I wouldn’t have invested my emotions, my body, or my heart into him.  Guess what, we never had that talk, so I made the choice to leave him.  “This isn’t a bad thing for you.  Maybe he wasn’t the one for you, and this is the universe’s way of letting you know” Misty said.  I looked at her with my teary eyes.  I’m hearing her and hate every word that just came out of her mouth.  My thoughts were racing because the man I gave my everything to didn’t fight for me to stay with him.  But what did he do, he started dating other women.  Then he finds and marries someone new, within six months of me leaving him. Me and Misty looked at the photo of Nathaniel and his new wife.  “She’s not even pretty” I wailed out loud.  I’m not saying that I’m pretty, but it would be great if he married prettier than me.  I looked at my left ring finger and stared at the 14 karat yellow gold band with a 1 karat pear shaped diamond ring.  This is exactly the ring I wanted AS AN ENGAGEMENT .  I only said this once in passing to Eliza and never said it again.  Apparently, he overheard me saying that and remembered it.  Now, when I look at the ring all I see is my pain reflected back to me from the beautiful glimmer on the diamond’s face.  My thoughts are all garbled with mourning and loss.  Heartbreak is not fun, but I never thought I would break down like this. My feelings were deeper than even I knew.  And here I was making fun of women who broke down like this.  Well, it shows how much life experience I had, to be so ignorant.  Another week passed from the news.  “Lara, are you sick? You are so skinny” Misty said.  Well, I haven’t eaten much because I haven’t had an appetite.  After a month my clothes were all hanging off of me so bad, Misty really got concerned.  “Hey, want to grab a bite” Misty said when she called me.  I agreed to meet her but even then, I didn’t eat much.  “Lara, I’m really worried about you.  You are a size zero.  Not that you don’t look good, but it’s unhealthy how you are losing the weight.  How can you get out of this phase” Misty asked with worry on her face.  Those were my thoughts too, but I didn’t know how to get myself out of this slump either.  “Don’t worry, I’ll go back to work” I replied.  “That’s a great idea.  Go work and get your mind off of him” she said cheerfully.  And that was the boost I needed to move on, however, my heart will never be the same.