I sink lower into the warm bath. Letting the water and the music try to do their job to relax me. Work sucked today. Nothing crazy, I have just had enough for the day. The heat of the water turns my pale skin pink. My toes peek out over the bubbles and I inspect them for any chips in the dark polish. I am terrible about keeping up with them. Hell, half the time they are covered up so does it even matter.
If I am being real with myself, I don’t have much care to give anything anymore really. When Ryan died the only emotion left inside of me was grief. Man, I did not know that that level of grief was even possible. I couldn’t eat and barley slept in the beginning. The first week the grief stole 15 lbs from me. My parents were worried sick. They were always hovering and checking on me. It meant a lot considering I could not seem to make any decisions about anything. We were never super close, but they stepped up and we grew closer. Dad was extra protective of me during that time.
Things are better now. I can smile and laugh. Anger seems to be the last emotion back to the party. Nothing seems worth getting angry over. I can feel a tear slipping down my cheek and I sink down until my head is underwater. Just for a minute. I give myself a minute in my grief. I can’t live in it, but I can’t hide from it either. Coming up out of the water I hear my phone ting with the sound of a text coming through. I can ignore it, it’s probably not important. Not even going to look. I close my eyes again and wish the world away. Then another ting. Dang it, can I just enjoy my bath?!
Grabbing my towel to dry my hands first, I scoop up the phone and send out a little prayer to not drop the damn thing in the tub. Z’s name appears on my screen.
“hey Love whats up”
“Coming over, you home”
“….I am home, in the tub….how long before you get here”
“Pictures or it didn’t happen…😉”
Wait, what?! That was flirty, Z doesn’t do flirty. How do I respond to this? How do I want to respond to this? Think Ashton don’t make it awkward! I snap a picture of my legs that are now rest on the side of the tub and hit send. Shit, shit, shit, How is he going to respond. That picture seemed safe enough. Just as my picture shows sent I get the next text.
“Just kidding love…it’s an internet joke.”
Well shit, now it’s too late. Another ting and my heart is about to beat out of my chest.
“DAMN ASHTON….FUCK!”
Then the doorbell rings. I stand up and step out trying not to bust my ass while grabbing my towel. I barley run it over my body before I grab my robe and throw it on and belt it as I rush to the door. I swing the door open. Zain is standing at the door with a strange look in his dark eyes. I step back to let him in. He steps in and closes the door behind him without ever taking his eyes off mine. Once the door is shut, he leans down slowly, giving me time to stop whatever is about to happen. I freeze and he softly touches his lips to mine. Then I kiss him back. It is a sweet kiss. A kiss to test the waters. He pulls his head back and barely whispers.
“You have the softest lips.”
“I um, thank you?”Z chuckles, “You are all wet.”“I uh, yeah…I was in the bath.”“I saw.”Oh my god I think I may just melt on this floor and die from embarrassment! What is wrong with me. I am a grown ass woman standing in front of my friend stuttering all over myself. The floor can just open up right now and swallow me whole.“I thought is was a safe picture, just my legs and my feet.” I say into the floor.Z tilts my chin up with his index finger.“Would you like to take it back?”“I, I don’t know. I…well…no. I just…I”Z shuts me up with another kiss. His lips drop to mine unexpectantly. This time it isn’t a soft peck. The pressure increases and his tongue licks my bottom lip asking for entrance. My lips part and his tongue finds the entrance it was seeking. His hands clutch my hips and he
He has some thoughts; this I must hear. What in the world does he think will help me get through all of this? I hope he doesn’t say therapy. I don’t want to talk about my feelings. What’s the point? I am sick of talking about my feelings. I am tired of hearing everyone telling me he is in a “better place” and it will get easier. Shit I know all of that. Doesn’t make it easy right now. There are no point in all these words when I know all of it and I also know there is nothing that can be said to make me feel better.“What did you have in mind?”“To be honest, I have not thought of how to present this to you. It was not a thought until you sent that picture.”“Come on Z, it was just my legs.”“Ashton your legs are sexy as hell and I wasn’t expecting it.”“I am sorry, I thought it was safe. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or step over any lines
What is that noise?! I peel my eyes open and take in my surroundings. I am still on the couch. Shit that is my alarm. I scramble for my phone to shut off the annoying noise coming from it. I must find a better sound to wake up to. I have not had time to find a new sound since getting this new phone.“Zain wake up we got to get moving. We are both going to be late for work if we don’t.”Zain mumbles something and stretches his arms above his head and cranes his neck to the side. The popping sound that accompanies the movement is loud.“Shit, you okay?”“Shut it, I am getting old.” He chuckles in response.“You make coffee while I shower and then you can have your turn.”I take off to the bedroom to take a quick shower. I strip while I wait for the water to heat up.“Shit I uh..”I spin around quickly at the sound of Zains voice.“Oh! I uh….what
Concentrating at work is proving difficult. My mind keeps wondering back to Z. Back to our kiss and back to my embarrassment over the photo. It’s going to be an incredibly long day. Lunch time comes and I decide to close my project for the day. There is no point to keep working on it when I’ve had to redo my work twice because I am unfocused. I save my work and close everything out. My phone dings as a message comes through. It’s Zain.“To make things fair, and for you to stop being embarrassed….”I wait, what is he…ding. Well now. A picture comes through. My checks flame and a heat ignites in my belly. His muscular chest and exquisite abs stare back at me. I can see water droplets sprinkled across his gorgeous dark skin. Making trails all the way down to that perfect V. That is where it stops. I shake my head at myself when I open the photo to full screen to see what else may be visible. I can admit to myself I am a little d
Heading home for the day. I did manage to get some work done, but barely. My mind kept wondering back to Z and the turn our text had taken. I catch the longest red light ever, so I grab my phone and shoot Zain a text.“Headed home. Any plans for the night?”“Not sure yet….I’m sure we will get into something”That’s how it was for us. We spent some part of almost everyday together. He kept my mind occupied and I kept him company. We have spent countless nights drinking and talking. Connecting well beyond the surface of things. What worries me the most is what happens if we take this a step further? What happens when it inevitably ends? Zain is a perpetual bachelor. Never staying in a relationship for more than a month. Our friendship means the world to me. Can I handle letting this be just a fling? Ding. A new text from Zain. I can’t help the small smile now planted on my face.” What are you doing?&rd
My heart nearly stops, and an involuntary squeak escapes my lips.“It’s me, Love.” Zains velvety voice rumbles through the room.“Sweet baby Jesus Zain, you nearly gave me a heart attack!”“I thought you heard me knock.”“Um no, and what are you doing here?”“Thought I would stop by.”“No, I mean in my bathroom?”“Well, I came in here for this.”The shower door opens and Zain’s arm snakes around my waste and pulls me to him as his lips crash down on mine. I can’t help the small gasp that escapes me, and Zain takes advantage of that moment and slips his tongue between my lips. My arms wrap around his neck as I give into the moment. The near heart failure forgotten. Zain deepens the kiss and an almost growl rumbles in his chest vibrating throughout my body. The tingles start and butterflies start fluttering in my stomach. We brea
The reality of what just happened hit me like a ton of bricks. Guilt engulfs my heart and a tear slips down my cheek.“What are we doing?”Zain’s head swivels around to me and he props himself up and studies my face.“We are distracting you.” He says as he leans down and softly kisses the tear on my cheek.“Am I a terrible person?”“You have never been a terrible person. Everyone deals with grief in their own ways and in their own time.”“I know that he wouldn’t want me miserable. That he would want me to find happiness again, but I am I betraying him and the love we had?”“This doesn’t change your love for him. It doesn’t change what you had. You still carry him in your heart. Nothing and no one will ever change that. We do not have to go any further than this. This can all stop now, but you can’t live in your grief, Love. No more than you
“Hey Ash, want a drink?” I look up to see Sam’s smiley face and I give her a nod. “You’re going to love the band playing tonight!” Sam said with a grin “Oh yea, where are they from?” “I found them in San Antonio and reached out. I was thrilled when they said they would make the trip to play.” Sam had worked her ass of to keep the local music scene alive. There would be two local bands playing with the out of town band. It helped get the crowds in if people they new were also playing. People were already starting to show even though it was early. “Looks like all that promoting worked. I am so proud of you Sam!” “Thanks girl. I am excited. If this is just the beginning of the night, my feet are going to be killing me by the end! Hey, so where is Zain? You to are pretty much inseparable these days.” “He will be here I am sure. You know he never misses a show. You know Sam, I don’t know how I would have made it through all of this