Love After

We sat across from each other in heavy silence. My mind off in another place. A dark place full of despair. I wasn’t sure why I picked this place to retreat to, why I had picked his company. Zain had joined the band a year ago and while we were all friends-ish, he hadn’t been super close with any of us. But his was the name that popped in my head when I didn’t want to be around anyone, yet, didn’t want to be alone.

 His brown eyes flicked up to me from time to time. Never landing for long. The loss of his drummer was weighing heavy on his heart as well, although he has not once let his grief pour over onto me. For that I am grateful. My grief was already too much. Ryan’s death was too much for my heart. I thought I would shatter at any moment. I have loved him since I was 17. Friends and on and off again lovers for 20 years. My mind drags up images of his beautiful smile and of the way his energy shifted when he played. The man was a hell of a drummer.

The last year and a half as an official couple had been amazing. Like any couple we had or ups and downs, but way more smiles than tears made up our relationship. He had a way with my stubborn ass. He always met my anger with patience and understanding. Never the toxic bullshit I had faced with my ex-husband. Ryan had brought my heart a long way from the damaged woman fighting to find herself again to what I was today. It was a lot to accomplish in such a short time.

“I miss him already.” I whisper as more tears slip down my face.

“I know, Love. I do too.”

“Ashton, I don’t know what to say.”

“There is nothing to say. I just hurts and it is going to hurt. I would rather sit in silence then here someone else tell me not to cry for him. “he’s in a better place” I swear Z I know that. I am not crying for him. I am crying for myself and the fact that I must go the rest of my life without him. I know everyone means well, I just can’t take their grief and kind words right now.”

Zain stands up and walks up the steps into the house. As usual he is in all black. He returns shortly with a folder and begins to show me his drawings. “I wanted to be a cartoonist before the Army killed my hopes and dreams.” This was new information and did the trick to refocus my mind on something other than the darkness. Keeping the scene of finding Ryan away for the moment. Zains deep voice telling stories about each character sooths me for the moment.