Between us

The first thing that came to my mind was...

Did Clandor sleep with Macy?

Did she see him with different girls during her short “relationship” with Gordon? Was that why she was referring to him as a hoe?

My heart dropped. Is he just like the rest of them? Am I just one of those girls? 

Damn. 

Disappointing. 

Macy was waiting for a response though. I had to say something. Without time to process what I felt and what her completely unneeded revelation did to my fantasies, I typed a response back.

Me: Oh, what did he do?

I felt bitter. Maybe Macy was just jealous of the fact that he would be the perfect choice. In my previous long relationship with my first boyfriend she didn't encourage me to leave his ass. Even when she knew very well he was exchanging girls behind my back like a heavy bleeder changes pads. She let me stay with him. Now there's Clandor, someone who feels like he fell right out of a romance movie by mistake. 

Now she's trying to convince me I should just cut him out?

Forget about him?

I've never connected with anyone the way I did with Clandor. I'll keep saying that.

So there's no way he could be a hoe.

There's more to him, better, that there's still to find out. I know so.

Bestie: He's just a hoe.

Exactly what I thought. She doesn't even have a reason.

I rolled my eyes, feeling relief.

I sat up straighter, all obsession with Clandor flooding back into me like it just didn't leave for a minute.

Me: Okay.

That's the good thing about an 'okay'. It makes the listener believe they've won. It ends unnecessary conversations. The truth is, the person who says it is actually the one who wins the conversation. The listener just doesn't know it. 

I mean, it wasn't "okay I'll forget about him", it was "okay, whatever."

***

APRIL 2021

We never spoke about Clandor again after that.

Somehow we just swept it under the mat. It never came up. As strange as that sounds. Macy never asked again so I never said anything again.

Clandor and I also never met again after our club moment, because I got called in for a live-in job for freaking 4 weeks. I was to look after a 78 year old lady called Mrs Jean. She had a dog whose breath smelt horrid and a cat who didn't give two shits. Not about me or her owner. 

Mrs Jean was independent, she could take care of her own hygiene needs. Her younger sister just didn't feel comfortable letting her stay alone after her unilateral mastectomy. So my job was mainly to drive her to her radiation therapy appointments, clean the house, cook, wash dishes and feed the pets. 

Easy work but also depressing.

I woke up at the sound of her waking up every morning and pretended I was already up before her. Then it was the same routine until bedtime.

I missed Kelly but always made it my duty to call the house phone every night to speak to her before I slept. She told me that Mike was coming over to help her with her homework sometimes of the week.

I wish it was me, helping her with her homework, not a neighbour who was probably only doing it because he wanted my approval. But at least she was getting help with her homework. I knew mom was too busy anyway.

I wonder how the kitchen sink was looking now that I was away.

Clandor on the other hand, I came to find out, was a complete brick wall. He didn't give me specifics about his job, just that he works for himself. He doesn't talk about his day, I'm the one who is always talking, saying something to fill the silence. 

His lively side was gone.

I don't know if he was getting bored of me, or it was my own mind making me think that because of being stuck in here.

But it just felt like he was only giving me surface, and every time I wanted more, it came off as if I was interrogating.

"Are you a detective?" he asked, "You ask too many questions."

I laugh, pretending I don't want to scream, "BECAUSE YOU DON'T TELL ME ANYTHING!!"

But I knew things would change after I left this place. When I was free from the psychological prison this place felt like. I just really need to be here. After working this full month, the pay would really make my savings bigger.

Big enough to buy the cheapest still roadworthy second hand car.

That car would help take the burden off me. I’ll rent it out, someone could use it for delivery or e-hailing and pay me weekly. At least then mom could drop one job.

"It's weird that you have to stay there for so long." He told me.

For someone who doesn't talk about himself, that meant a lot. 

He didn’t say it in so many words but it meant that he didn’t like that we had to stay apart for so long. He missed me and wanted to see me too.

That's why I couldn't wait to leave this place. My agency said that this month would possibly be the last as the patient's sister was suggesting an assisted living complex. She said it would be cheaper for them.

Apparently I am expensive. It doesn't feel like it, considering what I get paid.

"Tomorrow, Wendy is coming to pick us up so we can go look at Silver Haven." Mrs Jean told me. "She said it's really nice there but we'll see." She looks unconvinced.

I am happy. The quicker she makes up her mind, the quicker I get to leave this place.

See Clandor again.

My family.

Be alive again.