Eighteen

Rei’s POV

Earlier that day…

Damn it! It’s almost five! What the hell am I supposed to do again? Where did I put that list my brother Gin dictated to me? Shit! I’m freaking out! Damn it, Rei, calm down! What’s wrong with you? You’re a grown man—why are you nervous?!

Anyway, to answer her question—it’s a no. I’m just trying to stop myself from panicking because this is literally the first time in my entire life that I’ve been this nervous. Well, except for that time in the sauna room when my “baby” woke up. I admit, I panicked a bit there. That was the first time I ever got nervous… and now this is the second.

I just can’t stop thinking.

Will this date turn out okay?

Will she like it?

Will she… Damn it! You’re wasting time, Rei! Just focus and do your job right!

But where the hell is that list? Damn it... Oh right, it’s in my pocket. For fuck’s sake! I even forgot that? Seriously, Rei? What the hell is wrong with you?!

I pulled out the paper and read it again. I already forgot what was written there because—hell, I don’t even know anymore.

Flowers? Shower her with flowers? Give her flowers? What kind of flowers?! Shit! What kind am I supposed to give her?!

Damn, I know no shit about this stuff.

I called the flower shop we owned here in Tagaytay.

“RRS Flower Shop, how can we serve you?” one of the staff answered.

“Hello? This is Reigan Salvador.”

“Sir Reigan! What can I do for you?”

“Send a bunch of roses to ********** Hotel. Like… a lot.” I said. Screw it.

“Err... Okay, Sir. What color of roses would you like?”

“What? They have colors now?” Damn it! I thought they only came in red! What does Gabby even like? I already sent her a red rose earlier—what if she’s tired of that color? What am I supposed to do now?

“Yes, Sir. We have a complete selection—red, pink, orange, white, lavender, blue, and yellow roses.”

“Damn!” I cursed. There are that many kinds of roses?! The only one I knew was red! Damn it! Why does courting a girl have to involve flowers anyway? This is riling me up! “Deliver every kind of rose you have there.”

“All of them, Sir?” The person on the line sounded shocked. Was this guy deaf or something? Argh!

“All of them. I need it here before 5:30.” I ordered before hanging up. Damn it! My mood is all over the place today! Fuck!

Now… delicious food. What kind of dishes should I have them cook? Ahhhhh! My head hurts! Damn crow! Shit!

I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself. I was already sweating. Tsk.

I froze for a moment. In my head, I saw Gabby’s smiling face—so bright, so happy. I want to see that smile for real. She looks so damn cute. I couldn’t help but grin. My boiling temper cooled instantly—like someone pressed refresh on my brain.

“Have the hotel’s restaurant prepare... every kind of food you in the menu,” I told one of the hotel staff.

They hurried off right away. Whatever. I’ll do anything—absolutely anything—just to see Gabby’s happy face later. I will see that smile tonight. This has to be the perfect date.

DING

When the elevator doors opened, I automatically stood up and looked toward the woman walking out of it.

And I wasn’t wrong—because there she was. So beautiful, with those smiling lips and sparkling eyes. She was looking around, clearly admiring the setup, and when her gaze finally met mine, I smiled.

God, she’s beautiful. So lovely.

I saw her blush and smiled even wider. She looked so adorably shy that it made me feel like I was the luckiest man to be the one standing in front of her.

Oh damn. What the hell am I even thinking? This isn’t me. What’s gotten into you, Reigan? You’re courting her because...

I stopped what I was thinking when I saw her walking toward me. I froze as the wind whipped through her hair—it felt like watching in slow motion. Damn, she was beautiful.

“Erm…”

I blinked a few times. My mind isn’t functioning well whenever she’s so close. Damn it! She was already standing right in front of me, and I was busy admiring her to notice.

I smiled at her to hide the slight embarrassment for being caught staring. Or gawking. Whatever.

Wait. Embarrassed? Embarrassed just because I was staring at a woman? What’s wrong with you, Reigan Salvador? As far as I know, you can check out a woman from head to toe without even flinching. You’d even enjoy it. But now, you just stared at her face and suddenly got embarrased? What the fuck?

But really, can you blame me? She looks so beautiful. How could I not be mesmerized?

Our dinner date finally ended. Yeah, date. This is our first date. I’ve dated a thousand girls before, but not like this. I never actually had fun with any of them. But with her… I was so damn enjoying her company.

I thought about bringing Gabby to the place where I usually go to think—to relax. The spot where I get all emotional, or be far away from the world when everything was suffocating.

When we were close to the lakeside—the place I was talking about—I told her to close her eyes. And while she was sitting there, obediently keeping them shut, I couldn’t take my eyes off her even as I drove.

Even when I said,

“Don’t open your eyes, okay?”

…I was still looking at her. She nodded and smiled, and damn, that smile—it felt like I was seeing heaven. No, maybe not heaven. Maybe an angel.

If I hadn’t noticed that we’d already arrived at the spot, I wouldn’t have been able to tear my eyes away from her.

When I stepped out of the car, I went around and opened the door for her.

“Give me your hand.”

And when she offered it to me, I took it slowly. The moment our hands touched, I felt something I’d never felt before. I didn’t even know what it was exactly, but… it felt good. Like a warm rush that made me feel oddly complete just from holding her hand.

What the hell is happening to me?

I kept my eyes on her as she stood there, her face lighting up with awe as she took in the sight before her.

“It’s beautiful…” she whispered.

I smiled—still looking at her. My eyes stayed on hers as she stared at the bright, full moon hanging over the lake before us.

“Yes… beautiful…” I murmured, mostly to myself. It wasn’t meant for her to hear, but it seemed she did.

She glanced at me suddenly, then looked down, turning her gaze back toward the lake.

“This is where I usually go when I’m feeling down,” I said quietly. I didn’t even know where those words came from, but they just slipped out. It wasn’t a lie, though. That part was true. Then I caught myself saying something even more unexpected.

“Before… this was the only thing that could make me feel at peace. But now…” I stopped midway, realizing what I was about to say.

“But now?” she asked when I didn’t continue.

It was like my mouth had its own mind. I couldn’t stop it.

“Now… I found someone who can make me relax just by seeing her face.” I paused, then whispered the truth even if it was only inside my head. “You.”

She turned to me, eyes wide, clearly surprised. But honestly? I was more shocked than she was. Still, I kept my expression calm even though my chest felt like it was tightening. There was something strange about what I was feeling—something I couldn’t name. I wasn’t acting like myself. And for the first time, I didn’t know why.

We sat down on a large rock, quietly.

I noticed her arms folded tightly against her chest. Oh yeah—she was wearing a sleeveless top. She must be cold.

Damn it. I didn’t bring anything with me. Not even a spare shirt. Tsk. What if she gets sick because of this?

“Are you cold?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer before she nodded. I just wanted to ask—for respect, maybe? Or for extra charm points. Teeth shines

“I don’t have a jacket, but…” I gently pulled her closer, wrapping my arms around her. “This might help to warm you down.”

And maybe me, too.

That feeling again—contentment. It hit me hard. There’s something about holding her that feels… right. Like I didn’t need anything else. Like her being in my arms was enough. Too much, even. It’s strange. I’m not used to this. Am I losing it? Or maybe I’m just addicted to her?

“Rei?”

I froze. My name—she said my name again. It slipped so softly from her lips that my heart almost jumped.

Agh. What the hell is happening to me? I probably look like an idiot right now, smiling like this. I just hope she’s not looking at me. My cheeks feel tight. Damn it—my face won’t even go back to normal.

“Hmmm?” I managed to respond with a small, questioning hum.

“Why are you doing this?”

Her question made me pause. Doing this? What does she mean? But at the same time, I found myself asking the same thing inside my head. Yeah, Rei. Why are you doing this?

I quickly pushed the thought away.

“What’s this?” I asked, forcing a smirk, trying to sound casual. But there was something in her tone—something soft, uncertain. Something that sounded… sad.

“This courtship,” she said. “Are you only doing this because you're thrilled? Or, I don't know, bored?”

Her question hit me like a punch I didn’t see coming. Thrilled? Is that what this is for me?

I blinked, staring at her.

I…

Am I?

I… don’t know.

But I know, deep inside, I’m not doing this just for the thrill. This courtship—it’s not a game to me. I’m courting her because I want her to be my girlfriend. That’s all… right?

“No,” I answered firmly.

No, I’m not just thrilled. I’m doing this because she asked me to. Because I want her to be mine. Because… I want her to be my girlfriend.

“Then why?” she asked again.

I paused. My mind suddenly went blank. Why? Really… why?

“Because…” I scratched the back of my neck, searching for words that refused to come. “Because you said you won’t be my girlfriend if I didn’t court you.”

That’s it! That’s the reason. Right? That should be it. I heard her sigh, long and quiet.

“Why do you want me to be your girlfriend, Rei?”

I froze.

Literally.

Why? Again with that question. Why do I want her to be my girlfriend?

Yes, I admit it. I want her to be mine. But that’s not really the answer. That’s just… the same thought said differently. Mine. Girlfriend. Why do I want that?

Because she makes me feel something.

Because she makes me feel different.

Because she makes me feel alive, curious, restless—everything I’ve never felt before.

Because she makes me feel something I can’t even name.

And no matter how hard I try to name the feeling, I don’t know what it is.

I’ve never felt this before. I have no damn clue what she’s doing to me and what’s happening to me.

So I went to the most safe answer.

“I… I don’t know.”

It slipped out before I could stop it.

And it was true. I don’t know.

When I felt her gently pull away from my arms, something in my chest tightened. Did I say something wrong? Did I hurt her?

If not, then… why is she looking away like that?

“Gab…” I called her softly.

“Why don’t you know?”

Oh, please, Gab! Stop asking questions! My God!

Why don’t I know?

Why don’t I know the reason behind all of this? Why did I even court her? Because I wanted her to be my girlfriend. But why did I want her to be my girlfriend? Because...

What does she even want?

I have a hint, but I’m not sure. A wild guess is running through my mind. What does she want me to say just so she won’t wear that cold expression anymore?

“Seriously… what do you want to hear?” I asked her.

Am I right? Does she want to—

“Do you want to hear that I feel something for you?” I asked again when she didn’t respond. That’s what most of my flings usually demand from me. They always want to know if there’s “something.” But I never cared about that before.

But now…

Now, seeing her face—

Seeing that heartbreaking expression—

It’s like I want to dig into my own mind and search for the answer.

Why?

Why am I feeling this way about her? Did she cast a spell on me or something? Because just by looking at her hurt face, I’m hurting just as badly. Dammit!

What is this?

What am I really feeling for her?

She lifted her face, and I saw her eyes glisten. Is she crying? Her eyes were shining like tears were about to fall—but they didn’t. And just like that, I still didn’t find the answer.

“Gabby…” The words were hard to say. “Even if you ask me what I feel for you, I can’t answer.” I can’t. “Because I, too, don’t know what this feeling you bring me is.”

Yes. I don’t know.

But it’s there.

There’s something I feel—but I don’t understand it. It’s new. So new. I’ve never felt anything like this before. And I wish I were as smart as those scientists who could identify a new species, because right now, I feel like I’ve discovered one inside me. Something strange… something I can’t define.

“Let’s go back to the hotel. I’m heading back to Manila.”

Her voice was almost breaking—and I knew then that I had hurt her. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to slam my head against the giant rock I was sitting on. Because now… I finally know one thing—

That I don’t ever want to hurt her.

But how can I even explain something that has no name?

How can I clarify these undefined feelings for her?

She was just starting to walk away when I whispered,

“I’m sorry.”

She stopped for a moment—but didn’t look back. Then she kept walking.

I closed my eyes.

She’s the first person I’ve ever said sorry to.

I’m sorry, Gabby. I really am.

I just don’t know what this feeling is.

Damn it.

Just what the hell is this?