Seventeen

“This is where I come when I’m feeling down,” he said in a low tone. I turned to him. His eyes were on the lake now.

“Before… this was the only thing that could make me feel at peace,” he continued. I stayed quiet, listening. “But now…” He suddenly looked at me, and our eyes met. My heartbeat quickened, thudding hard in my chest. I waited for him to finish, but he didn’t. He just lowered his gaze and smiled to himself instead.

“But now?” I asked curiously.

He looked at me again, then quickly averted his gaze. “Now… I found someone who can make me relax just by seeing her face.” He turned to me once more. “You.”

It felt like the world stopped spinning. What was this? I’d been asking myself the same question over and over, yet I still couldn’t find the answer. Why was he making my heart race like this? Why did everything else fade the moment he looked at me?

I couldn’t say a word after what he said. Reigan… are you serious about that? You’re not just pretending, right? Is this real? Are you for real? You’re not just playing around, are you? Because if you are—then why are you doing all this?

We sat on a large rock shaped a bit like a bench. Even the rock was mesmerizing.

“Are you cold?” he asked.

Yes. I’d been freezing for a while now. Maybe I should’ve bought a whole pile of jacket before coming somewhere this chilly. I nodded silently in response.

“I don’t have a jacket, but…” he pulled me closer into his arms, his hands firm around me. “This might help warm you up.”

And it did. His body felt like the warmest thing on earth. I nestled closer against him without even thinking.

“Thanks,” I muttered.

“At your service,” he said lightly. I smiled.

There were so many things I wanted to ask—about this so-called courtship, about his gestures, about everything. Everything just seemed to be happening so fast. And none of it, I could answer on my own. I needed to clear my head a little.

“Rei?”

“Hmm?”

“Why are you doing this?” I wasn’t even sure what I meant by this, but that’s exactly what I wanted to know.

“What’s this?” he asked.

I paused, trying to find the right words. “This courtship,” I finally said. “Are you doing this just because you’re… thrilled?”

“No.” His answer was simple, but firm.

“Then why?” I frowned. I wanted to pull away from his embrace and look him straight in the eye—to read his face, to know if he was being honest—but I didn’t. Somehow, it felt safer talking to him like this, without meeting his gaze. I was afraid of what I might see in his eyes. I just… didn’t want to.

“Because you said you wouldn’t be my girlfriend if I didn’t court you.”

I sighed deeply. “Why do you want me to be your girlfriend, then?”

He was quiet for a while. The silence stretched between us, heavy and uncertain.

“I… I don’t know,” he finally said.

I felt a wave of disappointment wash over me. He doesn’t know. And the truth is—I don’t know either. So what now? Who’s supposed to answer the questions running wild in my head if neither of us has the answer?

I gently pulled away from his arms and stared blankly into the distance. What’s happening to me? My mind’s a total mess because of this guy. Why do I feel this way for him?

And why does he treat me like this—when we both know we don’t even understand what’s going on between us? Ugh!

“Gab…”

“Why don’t you know?” My voice cracked slightly. I hope it was because of the cold, but something in my chest tightened. I wanted to know why he was doing this before my hopes escalates than it already is.

"Seriously… what do you want to hear?" he asked in a low voice.

I froze at his words.

What do I want to hear?

Why did I even ask those questions if I wasn’t expecting something from him?

What was I hoping for?

That he’d say he feels something for me? That he like me? That I’m not just another girl he’s trying to win over for fun?

"Do you want to hear if I feel something for you?" he asked, as if he read my thoughts.

My heart thudded painfully in my chest. He was right. That’s exactly what I wanted to hear—to make things clear, to find answers to all the confusion swirling in my mind. Why is he courting me? Because he wants me to be his girlfriend. But why does he want that? What does he feel for me?

I didn’t answer his question, even though the word yes was already burning on my tongue. I didn’t want to sound desperate. Or worse, assuming. Even if, deep inside, I already was.

And a part of me screams for him not to answer his question but it still came.

"Gabby," he said softly. "Even if you ask me what I feel for you, I can’t tell you. Because I, too, don’t know what this feeling is that you bring me."

I stiffened. I couldn’t look at him. I didn’t expect that answer.

Why? Why can’t he tell me? Doesn’t he know what he feels?

Because me? I know.

I already know.

I like him.

Damn it. I always fell first. I always give my heart away and that’s the reason I always got hurt. My heart is built differently, its too sensitive, and trusting.

That’s why it hurts.

That’s why I keep asking.

That’s why I want him to court me.

Because I’m hoping—no, wishing—that maybe someday, he’ll know what he feels too. That’s why my heart beats fast whenever we’re together.

That’s why it’s fine when he kisses me. That’s why it’s fine that he took my first.

That’s why I want to know if he feels something for me.

Because I like him.

And it hurts to know that he doesn’t even know what he feels for me.

It hurts.

Tears began to well up, but I looked up to stop them from falling.

I don’t want to cry.

I don’t want him to know that I caught the feelings first.

I don’t want him to know—especially when what I feel isn’t mutual.

One-sided love.

So this is what it feels like.

It hurts so much.

Maybe I’m just weak.

I stood up from the bench. He stayed quiet. I didn’t look at him—I couldn’t.

If I did, I might lose the little strength I had left and let the tears fall.

“Let’s go back to the hotel. I’m heading back to Manila, Kesha’s waiting for me.” I said, walking ahead toward his car.

Our first date… was a disaster.

A complete disaster.

But somehow, I’m still thankful for it.

Because through that disaster, I realized something—

That I like him.

Even if he doesn’t feel the same way.

And God, it hurts.