12.

"You came home lamenting how you didn't mean any of it. Any of the words you told her, nor how you treated her after, you know..." Tabby pointed at my bare tattooed chest.

"I don't want to talk about it." I ground out.

"Not a surprise," Khalil half shrugged. "You never want to talk about her. The most important person in your life."

"Only because it'll yield me nothing by doing so. So buzz off."

"You buzz off!" Khalil snarled, hitting his hand on the table. He rarely got angry, rarely called me out on my shit. Heck, he hardly speaks to me about this, or about Baba, because he knows how sensitive I was to those issues. But today, Khalil was angry. And I didn't like it one bit. "You keep hurting yourself and those around you simply because an old man from your past made you believe you don't deserve to be loved. What did this poor woman do to deserve this? Because she's your mate? I've honestly ignored all you did, but this time, this time you crossed a big line, Maverick. One I don't see either of you returning from." With that, he snarled one last time, a speck of fire leaving his mouth before he left.

Thick silence stretched between us, and I took that moment to think of what he had said. How true his words were. But I know, deep inside, I know I'm doing the right thing, or maybe not, since I still did not, and never can see myself rejecting her.

But, what is the purpose of keeping the bond intact when I do not actually want it? Or, what if she gets tired of my shit and rejects me first?

Damn, no. No, please. Not now. Not ever. How would I be able to handle that?

"Don't mind him," Tabitha called quietly. "You know he's that way only because he's worried about you, right? He's worried that you may end up like him. 100+ years with no second chance at love. Or a mate." She added softly.

I know. I knew Khalil reacted that way only because he was worried. But I'm more concerned about what prompted that anger. How badly I had messed up to get him to react that way.

"She thinks you're a full escort now. She thinks that's what you do for a living." Abeel murmured as he slid into the seat on my right.

"That's good for us both. I won't have to think of ways to make her hate me," I mumbled, hating the way the words sounded in my ears, or the way Amadi stirred within me just briefly. "It's a win-win situation for us both."

Abeel and Tabitha both stared at me for a moment, before they shared a quick glance and turned away.

"Well, since we will be off duty for two weeks, what do you suggest we do?"

"We go to the Witches realm. One of the agents there got a lead on the missing witches over the years. And who knows? I may end up finding a lead to my mother." I replied.

"Will you still be getting reports on Sherneil back at the capital?" Tabitha asked.

I nodded, clenching my hands. "They'll keep coming in, and Khalil will work on them."

"He won't be going with us?" She prodded, frowning.

"No. I'll need one of you here and he's the best option to stay given the history he has with the witches."

"Makes sense. Ugh! This wouldn't be as fun with one of us missing."

"Tell me about it. Although, it's not like Khalil is cheerful all the time," Abeel said.

"He's still better company than your sorry ass," Tabitha winked at him.

A two hundred and fifteen year old witch/fae hybrid and a ninety year old lycan. Why aren't they mates?

"That won't get you laid, lady. Oh! Look at the word play I did there," he grinned.

I sat there, listening as they bicker. I knew they were only doing that to ease my guilt. To not push the issue eating at me. Because they knew, as much as I did, that I do want her. Badly.

But someone as perfect as Sherneil doesn't deserve an unfeeling bastard like me as a mate. She doesn't and it seems so unfair that I am still holding onto that hope that she may want me. But despite my numerous tries, despite my gift of easily seeing into a person's mind, reading his or her intent, I couldn't study her. I couldn't get past whatever walls she had staged in front of her mind. Each time I tried to pry in during our time yesterday, something snapped at me, pushing me back to whatever corner I had left.

I want her. I want to spend eternity with her. Get to know her. What she likes, what she dislikes. I want to do all that, but what can a bastard offer her? A royal lycan turned rogue? One with a crippled lycan counterpart? What do I have to offer someone as perfect as her? The thoughts resulted in the tightening of knots in my stomach.

I had nothing to offer. Nothing but my broken self. Nothing but my sorry excuse of a life. Nothing but my bags of problems. And nothing but the constant hunt and danger my life is always in. Accepting the bond, encouraging it, would be very selfish of me.

And yet, yesterday I did. I opened the link. I allowed myself to feel the bond, to taste its sweetness, taste the thread of want connecting us. Yesterday, I had been selfish enough to reach out to her through the bond, to draw her in, let the bond guide her, and then I had used that opportunity to take her.

As selfish as I was, I had taken her, and to make things worse, I didn't regret it. Not even a bit. Instead, I crave her with an urgency I never had, with the squeezing feeling, as though my windpipe is being snapped into two by something so strong. As though the tendrils of her bond that reached out to me in our intimate moment, still had a firm grip on every part of me.

Same way I could still feel the way her hands had roamed my naked body. The sounds she made as I took her. The screams. The way she accepted me.

And what did a messed up idiot like me do? Ruin it all. But perhaps it was the best thing to do. Not that she has to know I wasn't really an escort in that sense, even if I did give in a few times. Not that she has to know that I am working as an escort for my private investigation agency. Not that she had to know that when I went to the diner yesterday, I wasn't expecting her, and the shock had instantly broken the walls I had securely kept around the mate bond.

Not that she also had to know that I went there with Khalil, and that if I hadn't found out it was her, that she was the one who booked me, I'd have simply reached her mental shields and found out what I needed.

She also doesn't have to know that I had given in during this escort thing just a few times. And that had been two years ago since I did, and with the bond blocked between us, she can't feel anything.

While I can.

I knew when she was angry, sad, happy. I can feel her mood swings, or when she feels sick. I feel it all, just like I felt her when she was with other men. And how that had driven me insane, the same way it had driven Amadi, who hardly reacts to anything.

So, with all the mess I am, all that I carry, it is best if we never come together as mates. It is best if I stay as far away from her as possible. Best if she hates me.

Just like I had tried to show her when I found out she was my mate two years ago.

"Maverick?" Tabitha called, drawing me out of my reverie.

"Sorry, I got distracted." I looked around, noticing that it was only she and I now. "Where's Abeel?"

"Left to start packing. He says and I quote 'gotta get my best clothes in. I may end up finding a witch to spend my time with.'”

I chuckled softly, my first laugh since I woke up. "Typical of him." I murmured.

A moment of silence passed before she spoke again.

"You know, she wasn't as I thought she'd be." She whispered. "She's like a breath of fresh air, she reminds me of Stacy."

I swallowed. "You never told me how your meeting went."

"That's between us. You asked me to help watch her that day and that was what I did. We had a great night! All I'm going to tell you is that she's special, and when and if you allow yourself to get to know her, you'll understand what I mean. I wish I didn't have to lie to her. I wonder how she'll feel when she finds out that I'm your best friend."

"She won't find out. Ever. Don't worry about your pretty face over that." I replied, standing up.

"We leave tonight. Go get ready." I called, as I walked back to my room.

"Mav," I stopped in my tracks when she called. But I didn't turn to face her. "You deserve love, and I wish you'd stop hurting yourself this way. I hope you open up someday. I really do."

As I stepped into the room, twirling the words in my mind, I knew it was never going to happen. Because the words I had tried to shut out all day screamed harder at that moment.

'A bastard. That is who you are. Nothing but an unfeeling, worthless bastard unworthy of love.'

Baba's true words.

Always.