chapter 4: Caleb is getting married

/Claire/

When I walked into the house, the rain had reduced to a drizzle outside.

My mother was sitting on the couch with a man beside her.

I wasn't surprised. This wasn't the first time she'd brought a man home, and I doubted it would be the last.

I didn't have the energy to deal with her today. I knew she wouldn't let me walk past without finding something to complain about, but all I wanted was to get to my room and figure out how the hell I was going to tell Maddie that I'd let her stepbrother fuck me in his car while it rained outside.

The man sitting beside my mother had a potbelly, and when he noticed me, he smiled.

His brown teeth came into view.

Yuck.

My stomach turned, and I had to fight the urge to wrinkle my nose. What the hell was that?

I pretended not to see either of them and kept walking.

But just as I'd expected, my mother wasn't about to let me pass in peace.

I heard the couch creak behind me, followed by the sound of her footsteps. I kept walking, hoping she'd change her mind, but she followed me until we were far enough from the man.

Then she spoke, making me stop in my tracks.

“Claire! Did you use my money to buy that cloth you're wearing?”

I stopped but I didn't turn back to look at her.

“Where the fuck is my money?” she asked, her voice rough.

I pretended I didn't hear her. My shoulders were slumped but I didn't move.

I already knew how this would go.

She would accuse me of taking her money, scream at me until she was satisfied, and then, hours later, discover that she had misplaced it or spent it gambling.

It had happened too many times for me to count.

Her gambling and drinking had ruined almost everything in our lives. My father had finally had enough and left us. He married another woman, built a new life, and left me here with the mother who had driven him away.

Sometimes, I wondered if he ever thought about me.

If he ever missed me.

Then I would remember that he had left me behind, too, and the questions would stop.

I hated my mother for what she had done to our family. I hated her for the way she had turned our home into a place I could barely stand to be in.

And no matter how much time passed, I wasn't sure I would ever forgive her.

"What do you mean you don't know?" she snapped, grabbing her back of my neck and spinning me around so I could look at her.

My stomach twisted with irritation.

"We're the only two people in this house!" she shouted. "Did a ghost take my money? Or did it suddenly grow legs and walk out of my purse?"

I pressed my lips together.

A few years ago, I would have flinched at the sound of her voice. I would have rushed to explain myself, my heart pounding as I tried to convince her I hadn't done anything wrong.

Now, I just sat there, staring at her.

I was tired of the shouting, the accusations and having to defend myself against someone who had already decided I was guilty.

Even the smell coming from her made my stomach turn. Alcohol clung to her breath, mixed with the sour smell of a mouth that hadn't been brushed in days.

I looked away, fighting the urge to cover my nose.

"Mom, I said I don't know." I replied sharply. "You always lock your bedroom door. How am I supposed to know where you keep your money?"

For a moment, neither of us spoke. I could feel my heart beating against my chest, but I refused to look away from her.

I wasn't a little girl anymore. I wasn't going to keep taking the blame for everything she did to herself.

Just as she opened her mouth to say something, the man that had been sitting with her called out to her.

“I'm coming,” she replied before turning to give me one final, deadly stare and walking over to meet him.

I didn't react to her look. I simply turned and walked away, keeping my face straight until I reached my bedroom and shut the door.

The moment I was alone, I threw myself onto the bed, too exhausted to even take off my shoes.

I closed my eyes, but that only made things worse.

I could still remember sitting on Caleb's thighs, the way he'd pulled me closer until there was barely any space between us, and how easily I'd let myself get carried away.

I groaned and pressed my palms against my eyes. What the hell had I been thinking? I'd been so caught up in the moment that I hadn't stopped to consider the consequences. Now, I couldn't stop worrying about what might happen next.

My love life was already a disaster. I didn't need this making things worse. The last man I'd been with had cheated on me with his friend's sister.

That experience had left me questioning everything about myself, and sometimes I wondered if it was why I'd let my guard down so easily around Caleb.

Tears stung my eyes as I turned onto my side and pulled a pillow against my chest.

The guilt was already eating me alive, and I knew it was only a matter of time before I broke down and told her everything.

I stared at the ceiling, my mind racing through one terrible possibility after another, searching for a way out of this mess.

****

Three weeks had passed since Maddie's birthday, and I'd spent every one of them avoiding Caleb.

I didn't go to submit my CV to him because I didn't trust myself to be around him again.

Maddie told me he'd asked about me countless times, and each time, I pretended it didn't bother me. The truth was, staying away from him hurt, but I couldn't bring myself to face him.

The strangest part? Caleb didn't even come to look for me.

And I didn't feel disappointed. What had I expected? I let myself think I was special to him when in fact I was nothing. Maddie warned me but I didn't listen.

Maddie had even asked if anything happened between us that night, and I'd looked her straight in the eyes and lied.

The guilt had been eating at me ever since.

Then, one evening after work, Maddie offered to drive me home.

We'd barely been on the road for a few minutes when nausea hit me so hard I had to clamp a hand over my mouth.

"Stop the car, Maddie!" I blurted, leaning forward as saliva filled my mouth.

She'd barely pulled over when I threw open the door and stumbled out, making it to the roadside just in time to throw up. My throat burned, and my eyes watered as I gripped the car for support.

"Claire, are you okay?" Maddie asked, hurrying over to rub my back. "Jesus, you're so pale. Do we need to take you to the hospital?"

"No." I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and straightened, though my legs still felt weak. "I'm just stressed, that's all."

But even as I said it, my mind went straight to the thought I'd been trying to ignore.

I hadn't taken the pills that night. My period was late. And with the way I'd been feeling lately, I couldn't stop the possibility from creeping into my head.

What if I'm pregnant?

I shook the thought off. I'd get a pregnancy test later. Until then, I refused to torture myself over something that might not even be true.

Once Maddie was sure I felt better, she helped me back into the car, and we continued our journey. I rested my head against the seat, hoping the nausea wouldn't return.

Then she spoke.

"Oh, by the way, there's something I need to tell you."

I turned toward her, noticing how tightly she gripped the steering wheel.

"What is it?"

She hesitated before answering.

"Caleb is getting married in a month's time."