Chapter 16

Laura

Two weeks until mocks and I was failing everything.

Not failing failing. But failing the way smart kids fail. The kind where you stare at a textbook and realize you have read the same sentence four times and still do not know what it means because your brain has been on vacation for three months.

I sat at my desk. My SAT book was open. My calculator was out. My notebook had exactly three words on it. "Page 47 start."

I had not started.

Chloe was sprawled on my bed. She was supposed to be studying too. Instead she was watching a video of a guy trying to open a jar for three minutes straight.

"Why are you watching that," I said.

"He is hot."

"He is struggling with a jar."

"That is the hot part. He is persistent."

I threw a pen at her. She caught it. Did not look up from her phone.

"We are supposed to be studying."

"We are studying."

"You are watching a man and a jar."

"Multitasking."

I turned back to my book. Read the first sentence. "If x plus y equals twelve and x minus y equals four, what is the value of x."

I knew this. I knew this in eighth grade. Why did my brain feel like oatmeal.

I wrote x equals eight. Checked the answer key. It was correct.

One down. A million to go.

---

My phone buzzed.

Rick: "what are you doing"

Me: "dying. you?"

Rick: "playing games. want to come over"

Me: "cannot. studying."

Rick: "you never study."

Me: "that is why I am failing."

Rick: "you are not failing."

Me: "I am failing."

Rick: "okay you are failing. come over anyway."

I looked at my book. Then at Chloe. She was on her third jar video.

"I cannot," I typed. "mock exams in two weeks."

"so"

"so I need to pass."

"you always pass."

"rick."

"fine. but you owe me."

I put my phone down.

Chloe looked up. "Rick?"

"Yeah."

"He wants you to come over?"

"Yeah."

"Are you going?"

"No."

"Good. You need to study. You have been weird for months and your grades are dropping."

"I have not been weird."

"You have been weird. Distracted. You stare at walls."

"I am contemplative."

"You are failing math."

I threw another pen at her. She caught that one too.

---

The thing was, she was right.

I had been distracted. Not anymore. But for a while. For a few months. I was somewhere else. My head was somewhere else.

I thought about that night. The night Damon came to my house.

Rick opened the door. Damon said he was checking on him. They sat in the living room. My dad was there. My mom was there. They talked like adults. Like nothing was wrong.

I came downstairs. I saw him sitting on my couch. In my house. Talking to my father like he had every right to be there.

He looked at me. I looked at him.

"Mr. Hales," I said.

"Laura."

That was it. Nothing else. He left an hour later. I sat next to Rick on the couch. He put his arm around me. I let him.

Damon did not say what I wanted him to say.

I wanted him to say something. Anything. I want you. I miss you. I made a mistake. This is killing me.

He said nothing.

He just sat there. Polite. Distant. A stranger in my living room.

I stopped waiting for him to say it. I stopped hoping. I closed that door.

I had mocks to study for.

---

Chloe sat up. Put her phone down.

"Okay. Real talk."

"About what."

"About you. You are going through something. I do not know what it is. You will not tell me. That is fine. But you need to snap out of it because I cannot watch you fail math. It is embarrassing for both of us."

"Chloe."

"I am serious. You used to be smart. Now you are dumb."

"I am not dumb."

"Prove it."

She grabbed my SAT book. Opened to a random page. Pointed to a question.

"Solve it."

I looked at the question. A geometry one. Angles and lines and something about parallel.

I solved it. Took me a minute. But I got it.

"X equals forty three," I said.

Chloe checked the answer key. Her eyes went wide.

"Damn. Okay. Maybe you are not dumb."

"I told you."

"You are just lazy."

"I am not lazy. I am tired."

"Of what."

I looked at her. She was my best friend. She had been there for everything. But she could not know this. She would look at me different.

"Of school," I said. "Of studying. Of being seventeen."

She nodded. "Same. Want to skip studying and get ice cream."

"Yes."

We went to the ice cream place down the street. I got chocolate. She got strawberry. We sat on a bench outside.

"This is better than math," she said.

"Everything is better than math."

We ate our ice cream. Watched people walk by. A guy with a dog. A mom with a stroller. An old couple holding hands.

"Can I ask you something," Chloe said.

"Sure."

"Do you ever think about the future?"

"Like what."

"Like college. Like marriage. Like kids. Like who you are going to be when you are not a teenager anymore."

I thought about it.

"Sometimes," I said.

"What do you see."

I saw a normal life. A job. An apartment. A dog. Maybe Rick. Maybe not Rick. Someone who made me laugh. Someone who did not make everything so hard.

"I do not know," I said. "But I want it to be easy."

"Easy is boring."

"Boring is safe."

Chloe looked at me. "Since when do you want safe."

Since I almost ruined everything. Since I fell for someone I should not have. Since I learned that wanting something too much can destroy you.

"Since always," I said. "I just did not know it."

She nodded. Did not push.

---

We went back to my house. Studied for two more hours. I did forty practice questions. Got thirty six right.

Chloe did ten. Got three right.

"Math is stupid," she said.

"Math is fine. You are just not trying."

"I am trying. My brain just refuses."

We ordered pizza. Ate it in my room. Watched a reality show about people fighting over a guy neither of them should want.

"These people are insane," Chloe said.

"They are in love."

"That is not love. That is desperation."

I looked at the screen. A woman was crying. A man was yelling. The host was trying to calm everyone down.

Maybe Chloe was right. Maybe love and desperation looked the same sometimes.

I thought about Damon. Just for a second.

That night on my couch. His eyes on mine. His mouth saying my name like a question he already knew the answer to.

He did not say he loved me. He did not say he wanted me. He said nothing.

I was glad. Words would have made it harder.

I closed that door again.

"Laura."

I blinked. Chloe was looking at me.

"You were staring at the wall again."

"I was thinking about math."

"You were not."

"I was."

She raised her eyebrows. Did not believe me. Did not push.

"Okay," she said. "Help me with question fourteen. I do not get it."

I looked at her book. Read the question.

"Okay. So. You have to find the slope first."

"The what."

"The slope. Rise over run."

"That sounds like exercise."

I laughed. She laughed. I explained the question. She still did not get it. I explained it again. She got it.

"See," she said. "You are smart."

"I know."

"Then stop being lazy and pass your mocks."

"Yes, mom."

She threw a pillow at me. I threw it back.

We studied until midnight. Then she went home. I brushed my teeth. Got in bed.

My phone buzzed.

Rick: "did you study"

Me: "yes."

Rick: "proud of you."

Me: "do not be proud yet. mocks are next week."

Rick: "you will be fine."

Me: "i know."

I put my phone down.

I did not think about Damon.

I thought about slopes. About angles. About x and y and parallel lines.

I fell asleep with math in my head.

It was better than the alternative.