Chapter 17

Laura

The week of mocks started with a fire drill.

Not a real fire. Someone pulled the alarm at 7:45 AM because they wanted to get out of first period. The whole school filed onto the lawn. Teachers yelled at us to stay in our lines. No one stayed in their lines. Chloe found me by the bike rack. She was wearing pajama pants and a hoodie and looked like she had not slept.

"I am going to fail," she said.

"You are not going to fail."

"I did not study."

"You studied with me for three hours yesterday."

"That does not count. I was on my phone half the time."

"Then that is your fault."

She groaned. Dropped her head on my shoulder. "Why do they make us do this."

"To torture us."

"It is working."

The alarm stopped. A voice came over the loudspeaker. "False alarm. Return to class." Everyone groaned. Going back inside felt like walking into prison.

Chloe grabbed my arm. "Good luck today."

"You too."

"Do not need luck. Need a miracle."

We went our separate ways. I had math first period. My worst subject. The one I had been losing sleep over.

Mr. Chen was handing out the exams when I walked in. He looked tired. We all looked tired.

"Phones away," he said. "Bags at the front. No talking. You have ninety minutes."

I sat down. My heart was beating too fast. My hands were cold. I opened the exam booklet.

Page one. Question one. A simple algebra problem. I knew this. I did this a hundred times.

I wrote the answer. Moved to question two.

Question two was harder. I stared at it for a minute. Then two. Then I wrote something. It was probably wrong. I did not care. I kept moving.

Question three. Question four. Question five.

By question ten, my brain was oatmeal again. The kind of oatmeal that has been sitting out too long and gotten cold and lumpy.

I looked at the clock. Sixty minutes left.

I kept going.

---

The exam ended at 10:30. I walked out of the room and wanted to cry.

Chloe was waiting by the water fountain. Her face was pale.

"How bad," she said.

"Bad."

"Worse than mine?"

"I do not know. What did you get for number seven."

"I left it blank."

"I wrote seventeen."

"That is not even a choice."

"Then I failed."

We walked to the cafeteria. Neither of us was hungry. We sat at our usual table. Mia and Jess were already there. Mia looked fine. Jess looked like she had seen a ghost.

"English was terrible," Jess said.

"You had English. I had math."

"Math is worse."

"Everything is worse."

I put my head on the table. The wood was cold. I did not care.

Chloe patted my back. "One down. Four to go."

"That is not comforting."

"It was not supposed to be."

---

The week did not get easier.

Tuesday was English. I am good at English. I read the passages. I wrote the essays. I finished early. I sat there for twenty minutes doing nothing.

Chloe finished late. She looked stressed.

"The second essay prompt made no sense," she said.

"It was about symbolism."

"I do not know what symbolism is."

"You read the book."

"I watched the movie."

"Chloe."

"What. The movie was fine."

We ate lunch. Rick found us. He looked tired too.

"How was English," he said.

"Fine," I said.

"Terrible," Chloe said.

Rick looked at me. "Can you tutor her."

"I have been tutoring her."

"Tutor her harder."

Chloe threw a fry at him. He caught it in his mouth. Show off.

---

Wednesday was science. I did not sleep the night before. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Thinking about formulas. Thinking about the periodic table. Thinking about nothing.

I got to school early. Sat in the hallway. Read my notes one more time.

Chloe showed up at 8. She had coffee. She handed me one.

"You look like death," she said.

"I feel like death."

"Same."

We went inside. The exam was hard. Not impossible. But hard. I finished with five minutes left. Did not check my answers. Did not care anymore.

Afterwards, Chloe grabbed my arm. "One more day."

"History."

"History is easy. It is just memorizing."

"You did not memorize anything."

"I memorized the year World War Two ended."

"What year."

"Nineteen forty something."

"Chloe."

"Nineteen forty five?"

"Yes."

"See. I know things."

I laughed. It was the first time I laughed all week.

---

Thursday was history. I studied the night before with Chloe. We sat on my bed with flashcards. I asked her questions. She got most of them wrong.

"Who was the first president," I said.

"George Washington."

"Correct. What year did the Civil War end."

"Eighteen sixty five."

"Correct. Who wrote the Declaration of Independence."

"Thomas Jefferson."

"Correct. Why are you failing."

"Because I cannot remember the small things."

"The small things are the whole thing."

She threw a flashcard at me. I threw it back.

We studied until midnight. She fell asleep on my floor. I covered her with a blanket and went to sleep.

The next morning, we took the exam. It was fine. Not great. But fine.

When it was over, Chloe looked at me.

"We survived."

"We survived."

"Never again."

"Until finals."

"Do not say that word."

We walked out of the school. The sun was out. The air was warm. It felt like summer was waiting for us.

---

The results came back a week later.

I checked my phone in the middle of Chloe's house. She was making popcorn. I was sitting on her couch. My email pinged.

"Results are in," I said.

Chloe dropped the popcorn bowl. It did not break. But popcorn went everywhere.

"Open it," she said.

"I am scared."

"Open it."

I opened the email.

Math. C plus.

English. B plus.

Science. B minus.

History. B.

I stared at the screen.

"Well," Chloe said.

"I passed."

"What were your grades."

I told her. She nodded.

"Math is low," she said.

"I know."

"But you passed."

"I passed."

She grabbed my shoulders. "You passed. You did not fail. You are not stupid. You passed."

"I passed."

"We passed."

She showed me her phone. Her grades were worse. But she passed too. C minus in math. C in English. C in science. D in history.

"D is passing," she said.

"A D is barely passing."

"Passing is passing."

She hugged me. I hugged her back.

We ate popcorn. Watched a movie. Did not think about school at all.

---

That night, I lay in bed.

My phone buzzed.

Rick: "heard you passed"

Me: "barely."

Rick: "passing is passing."

Me: "that is what Chloe said."

Rick: "great minds."

Me: "did you pass."

Rick: "yes. but i always pass."

Me: "must be nice."

Rick: "it is."

I smiled. Put my phone down.

I thought about the past week. The stress. The panic. The way my brain turned to oatmeal.

But I survived.

I did not think about him. Not once. Not during the exams. Not during the results. Not during the movie with Chloe.

He was not in my head.

That was a win.

---

The next morning, I woke up and made a list.

Things to do before senior year ends.

One. Go to Jake's party on Saturday.

Two. Buy a dress for graduation.

Three. Figure out what to get Chloe for her birthday.

Four. Decide if I am staying with Rick.

Five. Not think about Damon.

I looked at number four. Deciding if I was staying with Rick. That was a big one. I did not know the answer.

I liked Rick. He was nice. He was easy. He did not make my head hurt.

But nice and easy were not the same as love.

I did not know if I loved him.

I did not know if I had ever loved anyone.

I pushed the list aside. Too heavy for a Tuesday morning.

---

Chloe picked me up at 10. We went to the mall. She needed a dress for graduation. I needed a dress for graduation. We both needed to not think about exams.

"This one is ugly," Chloe said, holding up a green dress.

"Then do not buy it."

"This one is also ugly."

"Then do not buy that one either."

She threw both dresses on the floor. A worker glared at her. Chloe did not notice.

"I want something that says I am hot but I also have a brain."

"A dress cannot say that."

"Mine can."

We looked for an hour. Chloe found a red dress. Short. Tight. She looked amazing.

"That is the one," I said.

"I know."

I found a blue dress. Simple. Long. It made me feel pretty without trying too hard.

"You look like a princess," Chloe said.

"I look like I am going to a funeral."

"A very hot funeral."

We bought the dresses. Got ice cream. Sat on a bench outside.

"One more week," Chloe said.

"Until what."

"Until graduation. Until freedom. Until we never have to walk into that building again."

"We have prom."

"Prom is different. Prom is fun. School is not fun."

She was right. School was not fun. But it was almost over.

---

That night, I went to Rick's house.

His dad was not home. That was what Rick said. "He is at some work thing. We have the place to ourselves."

I walked inside. The house smelled the same. Coffee. Clean. Him.

I ignored it.

We watched a movie. Something funny. Something with actors I did not recognize. Rick laughed. I laughed. His hand was on my leg.

"Rick."

"Yeah."

"Can I ask you something."

"Sure."

"Do you ever think about the future."

"Like what."

"Like us. After graduation. After college."

He looked at me. His hand stopped moving on my leg.

"Sometimes," he said.

"What do you think."

He was quiet for a minute. Then he said "I think we are good together. I think we could be good for a long time."

"A long time is not forever."

"Nothing is forever, Laura."

That was the smartest thing he had ever said.

I leaned my head on his shoulder. He put his arm around me.

We watched the rest of the movie. I did not think about the future. I did not think about forever.

I thought about right now.

Right now was enough.