Chapter 19

Chloe

I woke up on graduation day with a text from Laura that said "I am going to throw up."

I wrote back. "same."

She wrote. "why are you throwing up."

"because i have to sit in the sun for three hours and listen to people talk."

"that is not a medical emergency."

"it is to me."

I rolled out of bed. My room was a mess. Clothes everywhere. Empty water bottles. A hairbrush that had been missing for a week. I stepped over everything and went to the bathroom.

My graduation dress was hanging on the back of the door. Red. Short. The same one from prom. I did not have money for a new one. Laura said no one would notice. Laura was a liar. Everyone would notice. I did not care.

My mom was in the kitchen. She was making pancakes. She never made pancakes.

"You are up early," she said.

"I am nervous."

"Do not be nervous. You passed. You are done."

"I know. But what if I trip."

"You will not trip."

"What if my name sounds weird when they say it."

"Your name is Chloe. It is not weird."

"What if I cry."

"Then you cry. Everyone cries."

"I do not cry."

"You cried at the end of that movie about the dog."

"That was different. The dog died."

My mom put a plate of pancakes in front of me. I ate them. They were good. I told her. She smiled.

"You look nice," she said.

"I am in my pajamas."

"You look nice anyway."

My mom was like that. She said nice things even when they did not make sense.

---

Laura picked me up at 9. She was wearing her blue dress. The long one. Her hair was down. She looked like a princess. I told her that. She laughed.

"I look like I am going to a funeral," she said.

"A very hot funeral."

"That is what you said last time."

"Because it is still true."

She drove. I sat in the passenger seat. The radio was on. A song I liked. I sang along. Laura did not. She was quiet.

"Hey," I said.

"What."

"You are doing that thing."

"What thing."

"The thing where you go somewhere else in your head."

"I am just thinking."

"About what."

She was quiet for a minute. Then she said "about after. About what comes next."

"College."

"After college."

"Chill. You have not even graduated yet."

She smiled. A small one. "You are right."

"I am always right."

We parked. Walked to the field. Chairs were set up in rows. A stage. A microphone. Balloons in the school colors. It looked like a wedding for people no one wanted to marry.

I found Mia and Jess. They were sitting near the front. Jess was crying already. Mia was holding her hand.

"Jess," I said. "We have not even started."

"I know," she said. "I am just emotional."

"You are always emotional."

"I know."

I sat down. Laura sat next to me. Rick was on the other side of her. He was wearing a blue suit. He looked like a guy who had never bought his own clothes. His mom probably picked it out.

"Hey Chloe," he said.

"Hey Rick."

"You look nice."

"I know."

He laughed. Laura laughed. I did not. I was not joking.

---

The ceremony started at 10.

The principal talked. The valedictorian talked. A girl I did not know sang a song that was too slow. I clapped when everyone else clapped. I stood when everyone else stood.

When they called my name, I walked across the stage. I did not trip. My name did not sound weird. I did not cry.

I grabbed my diploma. Shook hands with a man I did not know. Walked back to my seat.

Laura was next. She walked slow. Her blue dress moved in the wind. She looked scared. I had never seen her look scared before.

She got her diploma. Shook the same man's hand. Walked back.

I grabbed her arm. "You did it."

"We did it."

"We are free."

"We are free."

She hugged me. I hugged her back. She was shaking.

"Are you crying," I said.

"No."

"Liar."

"Okay. A little."

I was crying too. A little. Just a little.

---

After the ceremony, we took pictures.

Me and Laura. Laura and Rick. Me and Mia and Jess. Rick and his friends. Laura and her parents. Her dad was crying. Her mom was taking pictures. It was a lot.

"Smile," her mom said.

"We are smiling."

"Smile bigger."

We smiled bigger.

Rick's dad showed up at some point. I did not see him at first. He was just there. Standing by the fence. Wearing a grey suit. Looking at Laura.

I did not think anything of it. He was Rick's dad. He was supposed to be there.

But he was looking at her the way people look at something they want and cannot have.

I looked at Laura. She was looking at him too. Just for a second. Then she looked away.

Rick walked over to his dad. Said something. His dad nodded. They did not hug. They never hugged.

I walked to Laura. "You okay."

"Yeah. Just tired."

"Your eyes are red."

"The sun."

"It is cloudy."

"The clouds are bright."

I let it go. But I did not forget.

---

That night, we had a party at my house.

My mom made food. My dad grilled burgers. Laura came. Rick came. Mia and Jess came. A bunch of other people came. I did not invite half of them. They just showed up.

We sat in the backyard. A fire pit. Someone brought a speaker. Someone brought beer. My parents went inside at 9. They trusted me. They should not have.

Laura was sitting on a chair. Rick was next to her. His arm was around her. She was not leaning into him.

I watched her.

She was somewhere else again. Her head was somewhere else.

I walked over. Sat on the arm of her chair.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"You are doing that thing again."

"What thing."

"The thing where you disappear."

She looked at me. Her eyes were tired.

"I am right here," she said.

"You are not. But okay."

I did not push. I never pushed. That was our thing. She kept her secrets. I kept mine.

But I wanted to know. I wanted to ask her what was wrong. I wanted to ask her why she looked at Rick's dad like that. I wanted to ask her why she flinched every time her phone buzzed.

I did not ask.

Because I was scared of the answer.

---

At 11, everyone left.

Laura was the last one. She helped me clean up. We threw away cups. We put away chairs. We sat on the couch in the living room.

"Thank you," I said.

"For what."

"For being my friend. For not leaving. For staying even when I am annoying."

"You are not annoying."

"I am annoying."

"You are a little annoying."

She smiled. I smiled.

"Chloe."

"Yeah."

"I need to tell you something."

My heart stopped. "Okay."

She looked at her hands. Then at me. Then at her hands again.

"Nothing," she said. "Never mind."

"Laura."

"It is nothing. I am just tired."

"Laura."

She stood up. "I have to go. My mom is waiting."

"Your mom went to bed at 9."

"I have to go."

She walked to the door. I followed her.

"Laura. Talk to me."

She turned around. Her eyes were wet.

"Not tonight," she said. "I cannot do it tonight."

"Then tomorrow."

"Maybe."

"Promise me."

She did not promise. She just left.

I stood at the door. Watched her walk to her car. Watched her drive away.

Something was wrong. Something had been wrong for a long time.

I did not know what it was.

But I was going to find out.