Chapter 21

Laura

The first day of my internship started with a flat tire.

Not my tire. I did not have a car. Chloe's tire. She was supposed to drive me. Instead she was standing on the side of the road in her work clothes, staring at her Honda like it had personally betrayed her.

"I am going to be late," she said.

"We are both going to be late."

"I cannot afford a tow truck."

"Call your dad."

"My dad is in another state."

"Call your mom."

"My mom does not know how to change a tire."

I looked at the tire. It was flat. Completely flat. The kind of flat that meant we were not going anywhere.

"Take the bus," Chloe said.

"The bus does not go to his building."

"Then take two buses."

"Chloe."

"Laura. I am sorry. I cannot fix this."

She looked like she was going to cry. I hugged her.

"It is okay," I said. "I will figure it out."

I called a car. The wait was fifteen minutes. I stood on the sidewalk in my black pants and my white blouse and my hair in a ponytail and I felt like a fraud. I was not an intern. I was a girl who could not even get to work on time.

The car came. I got in. The driver asked where I was going. I told him. He drove.

I watched the city go by. Buildings. Streets. People. Everyone had someplace to be. Everyone looked like they knew what they were doing.

I did not know what I was doing.

---

The building was tall. Glass. Steel. The kind of building that made you feel small just looking at it.

I walked inside. The lobby was marble. A security guard sat behind a desk. He looked at me.

"Name."

"Laura Collinson. Intern."

He checked a list. Nodded. "Elevators on the left. Fortieth floor."

"Thank you."

The elevator was fast. My ears popped. The doors opened.

The office was quiet. Cubicles. Desks. A few people already working. A woman at the front desk looked up.

"Laura?"

"Yes."

"I am Sarah. Leo said you would be late."

"My friend had a flat tire."

"Traffic is worse. Follow me."

She walked me to a cubicle by the window. A computer. A phone. A notebook. A pen.

"This is your desk," she said.

"It has a view."

"Leo likes the interns to have natural light."

"Who is Leo."

"Mr. Hales' assistant. He runs everything. You will meet him in an hour."

She left. I sat down. The chair was comfortable. The computer was new. The view was the entire city.

I should have been excited. I was not.

I was thinking about him.

Damon.

The necklace was around my neck. The star. I had not taken it off since my birthday. My mom asked where it came from. I said a friend. She asked which friend. I said a friend from school. She did not believe me. She did not push.

I touched the star. It was warm from my skin.

I should not be wearing it. I should have thrown it away. I should have sent it back.

But I did not.

Because I was weak. Because I still wanted him. Because even after everything, after the silence and the cowardice and the way he sat in my living room and said nothing, I still loved him.

I hated myself for it.

---

Leo found me at 10 AM.

He was older. Maybe fifty. Grey hair. Kind eyes. He looked like a grandfather who played chess in the park.

"Laura," he said.

"Leo."

"Welcome. I hope the first day is treating you well."

"I have been here an hour. So far, no one has yelled at me."

"We do not yell here. We send passive aggressive emails."

I laughed. He smiled.

"Mr. Hales is in his office," he said. "You will probably see him at some point. He keeps to himself. Do not be offended."

"I will not."

"He is not as scary as he looks."

"I am not scared."

Leo looked at me. A long look. The kind that said he knew more than he was saying.

"Good," he said. "Because you will be fine."

He showed me how to use the phone. How to access the calendar. How to order supplies. How to do the job.

I took notes. I asked questions. I tried to look like I belonged.

At noon, I ate lunch at my desk. A sandwich I brought from home. An apple. A bottle of water.

I scrolled through my phone. Chloe had texted me seventeen times.

"the tow truck came"

"my dad is paying for it"

"i am at work now"

"my boss is nice"

"yours?"

"laura"

"are you alive"

"hello"

"did he kill you"

"laura"

"i am going to call the police"

"okay i am not going to call the police"

"but i will"

"text me back"

I typed. "I am alive. My boss is not here. I am eating a sandwich."

"a sandwich? that is not lunch."

"it is food."

"it is sad."

"i am sad."

"you are always sad."

"i know."

She sent a photo of her lunch. Salad. Soup. A cookie. It looked better than my sandwich.

I put my phone away.

---

At 2 PM, I saw him.

I was walking to the break room. The hallway was long. Glass walls. I could see into the offices.

He was in his office. Standing by the window. His back was to me. He was wearing a grey suit. His hands were in his pockets.

I stopped walking.

My heart was beating too fast. My hands were cold. I wanted to keep walking. I wanted to run. I wanted to knock on the glass and make him turn around.

I kept walking.

The break room was empty. I poured a cup of coffee. Did not drink it. Stared at the wall.

The necklace was heavy on my chest.

He sent it. He knew I knew. He had not said anything. No text. No call. No note at my desk.

Nothing.

That was fine. That was what I wanted.

That was a lie.

---

At 4 PM, Leo came to my desk.

"You are doing well," he said.

"Thank you."

"Mr. Hales asked me to check on you."

"Tell him I am fine."

"I will."

He walked away.

I stared at my computer. The screen was blurry. I was not crying. I was not going to cry.

He asked Leo to check on me. He could have checked on me himself. He could have walked to my desk. He could have said hello.

He did not.

Because he was a coward.

I touched the star. I thought about throwing it in the trash. I thought about mailing it back to him in a box with no note.

I did neither.

---

At 5 PM, Rick texted me.

"coming to pick you up. be there in 20."

I had forgotten. Dinner. He wanted to take me to a restaurant. Some place with white tablecloths and candles and food I could not pronounce.

Me: "okay. i will be outside."

Rick: "wear something nice."

Me: "i am wearing work clothes."

Rick: "nice work clothes."

I packed my bag. Turned off my computer. Walked to the elevator.

The doors opened. He was inside.

Damon.

He was wearing the same grey suit. His hair was perfect. His eyes were dark.

"Laura."

"Mr. Hales."

"Going home?"

"Yes."

"Your first day. How was it."

"Fine."

"Just fine."

"It was fine."

He looked at me. His eyes went to my neck. The star.

"You are wearing it," he said.

"It is a necklace."

"I know what it is."

"Then why did you ask."

He did not answer. The elevator doors closed. We were alone.

"Laura."

"Do not."

"Do not what."

"Do not stand there and pretend like you care. You sent a gift. You did not sign it. You did not say anything. You have been here all day and you did not come to my desk once."

"I did not want to make you uncomfortable."

"You make me uncomfortable by not showing up."

He stepped closer. I stepped back. My back hit the wall of the elevator.

"I am trying," he said.

"Try harder."

"I cannot. Not here. Not at work. Not with people watching."

"Then when."

"I do not know."

The elevator stopped. The doors opened. The lobby.

I walked out. He did not follow.

---

Rick was waiting outside. His car was parked by the curb. He was leaning against the door. He smiled when he saw me.

"Hey."

"Hey."

He kissed my cheek. Opened the door for me.

"You look nice," he said.

"I look like I have been sitting at a desk all day."

"You look nice anyway."

He drove. The restaurant was on the other side of town. A French place. The kind with a menu you could not read.

"How was work," he said.

"Fine."

"Just fine."

"It was my first day. I sat at a desk. I answered phones. I ordered supplies."

"Exciting."

"Thrilling."

He laughed. I laughed. It was easy with Rick. It had always been easy.

"Chloe's tire went flat," I said. "I almost did not make it."

"Did your boss care."

"I did not see my boss."

"Lucky."

"Yeah."

I looked out the window. The city was dark. The lights were bright. I thought about the elevator. His face. His eyes. The way he said "I am trying."

Trying was not enough.

---

The restaurant was small. Cramped. Candles on every table. A man played the piano in the corner.

Rick ordered for both of us. I did not care what we ate.

"You are quiet," he said.

"I am tired."

"It was your first day."

"It was a lot."

He reached across the table. Took my hand.

"I am proud of you," he said.

"For what."

"For getting the internship. For showing up. For being you."

I looked at him. His brown eyes. His easy smile. He had no idea. He had no idea that I was wearing a necklace from his father. That I had been in an elevator with him an hour ago. That I still loved him.

"Thank you, Rick."

"You are welcome."

The food came. It was good. I did not taste any of it.

---

After dinner, he drove me home.

We sat in his car in my driveway. The engine was running. The heat was on.

"Can I come in," he said.

"My parents are home."

"So."

"So they will ask questions."

"Tell them we were watching a movie."

"Rick."

He looked at me. His face was soft.

"I miss you," he said.

"I am right here."

"You are not. You have not been for a while."

I did not know what to say. Because he was right.

"Laura. If you want to break up with me, just do it. The waiting is worse."

I looked at him. The boy who followed me around in sophomore year. The boy who made me feel seen. The boy who deserved better than me.

"I do not want to break up with you," I said.

"Then what do you want."

"I do not know."

He nodded. Like he expected that answer.

"Okay," he said. "Take your time. I am not going anywhere."

He kissed my forehead. I got out of the car. Walked to my front door.

I did not look back.

---

My mom was in the living room. Watching TV.

"How was dinner," she said.

"Good."

"How was work."

"Good."

"You are saying good a lot."

"It was a good day."

She looked at me. Did not believe me. Did not push.

"Your necklace is pretty," she said. "Where did you get it."

"A friend."

"The same friend from before."

"Yes."

"What friend."

"Just a friend, Mom."

She looked at me for a long time. Then she nodded.

"Okay," she said. "Goodnight, Laura."

"Goodnight."

I went to my room. Closed the door. Sat on my bed.

I touched the star.

I thought about the elevator. His face. His voice. The way he said "I am trying."

I thought about Rick. His hand on mine. His easy smile. The way he said "I am not going anywhere."

I did not know what to do.

I did not know who to choose.

I did not know if I had to choose.

I lay down. Stared at the ceiling.

My phone buzzed.

Damon: "I am sorry about the elevator."

I stared at the screen.

Me: "Which part."

Damon: "All of it."

Me: "Then do better."

Damon: "I will."

I put my phone down.

I did not believe him.

But I wanted to.