02: I Did Not Want To Sign

WINTER: 

My insides were shaking as I struggled to keep up the smile on my face even if that was the last thing I wanted right now. 

It was the truth.

I wanted to curse. To shout while asking him the reasons. The real one. Was it only about me? 

No. 

This evening, I will know the real reason. 

I extended my hand. 

"Can I have it? I will show Father that our marriage was real and that you did marry me. He would surely be happy about it."

He gulped. 

"Pumpkin...I."

Do you want to divorce me? Is there a new woman you love, Calcifer? Tell me the truth, please?

"Yes, Calcifer?"

"I-I will give it to you later. Please excuse me. I have a business meeting to attend to."

"Why later when I can have it now?"

"Later, please?" he asked, almost begging me. 

He was about to pass me, but I asked, "Calcifer. Do you want me to cook for you? What do you want to eat?"

His eyes widened. "You will? Aren't you busy? You're always…busy." 

During our first few months of marriage, I had been cooking for him. I tried to make myself the best wife he could ever have despite the loveless marriage. Because I wanted him to know that I was also someone whom he could love. And that I was worth a shot.

However, when I started getting symptoms, I got scared and stopped serving him. I remembered how devastated my father was. He was crying almost every night and hid it from me, hiding it from me. 

I completely shut him off and let fear swallow me whole.

I felt Calcifer reach out to me before…a couple of times, but I shoved him away. The more I imprisoned myself in our room and hid away from the world. My husband wanted to know what was wrong, but I did not answer.

"Yes. I'm in a good mood now." I want this dinner to be the most memorable. Which also reminded me that today was our second wedding anniversary. For both of us. "So anything in mind? Or would you rather eat me instead?" 

I felt my cheeks flushed red at my joke, but who cares? This was the last time that we would be happy like this.

Everything was my fault.

Sadness flashed in his eyes. 

"I don't have anything in mind. You can cook whatever you like, pumpkin," he said softly. "Anything you want."

I clapped my hands even if my chest was getting heavier as seconds passed.

"Perfect. So, I want to see that folder."

"M-maybe later."

Is it also heavy for you, Calcifer? Perhaps you have feelings for me, too?

"Why? Are you hiding something from me?" I pressed. "Aren't you happy in this marriage?"

His face went blank, then laughed as he tried to hide his nervousness. "I will give you this later."

He did not want to answer me. Why? I would rather accept the painful truth than be given sweet promises of lies.

I will never leave you, pumpkin. 

That was what Calcifer had said. 

"Okay. Sure." I sauntered towards him and straightened his necktie. "You looked handsome as ever, Calcifer. Please remember that I did not regret marrying you even if this was only a marriage of convenience."

He gulped. "T-Thanks?"

I suddenly slapped his butt.

He gasped. "That was..."

"Inappropriate? We are both husband and wife. It's not like we have not seen each other naked in bed."

He was amazing in bed. Whenever he took me, it was full of tenderness as if he did not want me to be hurt. He was always gentle, but sometimes, I wanted something more from him. Maybe an extra rough.

He cleared his throat and stepped away from me, with no plans of giving me the divorce paper. 

So he wanted to prolong my agony now?

Maybe I was the worst wife for him. 

"I-I have to go." And he scrambled away from me, not even glancing at me. 

I heaved a sigh. 

Was there no chance at all? 

---------

I smiled sadly as I finished setting the table. There was a scented candle, delicious foods that I cooked alone, and wine. On the other side was our photo album together. Those contain our happy memories and I did not know if we would be able to open them later given the serious topic that we will discuss later. 

Instead of a second anniversary, this felt like a funeral. The atmosphere was romantic, but this was far from it. Tonight, Calcifer will divorce me.

Too bad I had not created a lot of memories with him. When he wanted to get to know me better, I suddenly drowned myself in despair and hopelessness until Calcifer drifted even more away from me. 

It was already too late to fix everything.

It's not late, my mind whispered. He has not offered the divorce paper, yet. There is still a chance for the two of you to patch up.

Still, Calcifer did not even love me to begin with, and staying in this loveless marriage on his part was too unfair. But despite that, I was still thankful that I was given the chance to be with such an amazing man who never let me down and was kind to me in every possible way. 

I was reminiscing about our marriage life when my phone beeped. 

"My meeting has now ended. I'll be there at eight o'clock, pumpkin. Don't tire yourself too much. Ask the servants to help you."

Who would not fall for someone like him? He always thinks of my welfare. 

It was seven thirty in the evening. And I had thirty minutes more to prepare myself. I wanted to make this evening extra special by wearing the most beautiful dress, hoping that by staying beautiful in his eyes, he will not proceed with the divorce.

I went back to our room, changed into a red dress with a high slit in the legs, and applied make-up.

Looking back at the mirror was one of the most beautiful women who had stayed hidden for a couple of months. I should have never let myself get drowned by my fear.

All the possible things I could do for Calcifer during those days. If I did those things with him…then…he won't leave me. 

I heaved a sigh.

I could not turn back time. I wasted so much time until I could no longer take back those times.

Everything was my fault.

I shook my head. It was no longer time to blame myself. The damage had been done.

A knock resounded, chasing my thoughts away.

"Miss Amor." It was our house helper. 

"Yes?"

"Mr. Peterson is already here. He is waiting for you in the dining area."

I picked my phone from the table and scanned my messages if he had informed me that he would be coming.

He did not. 

Maybe he wanted to surprise me? 

"I'll be there in a minute," I answered. "I'll be there," I repeated, gave myself one last look and stepped outside even if that was the last thing I did not want to do.

I did not want to sign the divorce paper and I hoped he would change his mind.