The Decision i

When I woke up, the world was quieter. Not silent- just... softer.

I blinked slowly, adjusting to the morning light pouring in through the pale blue curtains. My chest felt tight, my eyes heavy and swollen from crying in my sleep. My body ached, but in a dull, distant kind of way- like the pain had pulled back just enough to let me breathe.

My mom was curled up on the narrow armchair besides my bed, one leg tucked under her, her cheek presses into her palm. Her head tilted slightly towards me, and I could see how uncomfortable she must must have been all night- still in her yesterday's clothes, her hand resting near mine, like she'd been holding it only let go once I'd fallen asleep.

She looked exhausted. Fragile, even. There were dark circles under her eyes, and a faint line between her brows that hadn't been there, that's something new. She started to look like this is a few months ago. Did I cause it. I was busy thinking about myself and did not think about how my mother is doing. Plus, she works overtime. She didn't like to work at night, but now she does. And in that moment, something cracked inside of me. I was being selfish, thinking that am the only one going through a tough time. I'd been shutting her out for almost three years now, hiding behind locked doors, snarling every time she mentioned school, or 'being strong', but looking at her I realised something. She hasn't given up on me. Not once.

I stared at her for a long time. I didn't move. I didn't cry. I just let that feeling settle in my chest- guilt, love, gratitude. And maybe... maybe the tiniest flicker of courage. That evening, after a long day of silence between us, I found her in the kitchen making a lunchbox for herself to take at work. She was ready to go out, without saying anything. I wanted to talk. I wanted to tell her how much I love her and apologise about the way I was behaving, but words got stuck in my throat. She looked at me and said nothing but flashed a warm smile right at me.

After a few weeks of seeing how my mom was, really broke me down. One night, when I went to get water from the kitchen. I caught her crying. This raised my curiosity and guilt at the same time. What was happening, should I go to her and tell her everything is going to be okay. But how when the selfish, ungrateful me doesn't accept the things she does for me. I've been reflecting on my own thoughts, thinking about how full of life I was and the words my mom used to say. Maybe she is right I got to get my life back. And since it's the beginningof the year. It won't hurt right.

Saturday afternoon, I found my mom folding laundry in the living room. She's still at home, thank God probably this is the right time to talk to her about my decision.

"Mom?" I said quietly.

She looked up so fast, it started me. "Yes?"

I hesitated, then took a breath "I... think I want to go back to school."

For a moment she just stared. Her mouth parted, but no sound came out. Then- like the clouds broke- her face lit up with the warmest smile I'd seen in months.

"Are you sure?" she whispered, he eyes glassy.

I nodded slowly. "I'm not saying it's going to be easy. But I don't want to hide forever."

She dropped the shirt in her hands and pulled me into a hug so fast I barely had time to react. Her arms wrapped tightly around me, and I could feel her body shaking slightly as she whispered repeatedly, "Thank you... Thank you, baby..."

By the next day she was already making lists. Fresh notebooks, a backpack, a scarf etc. and I saw a tinted sunscreen. Sunscreen, really where would that sit? In my disfigured face. But she later let me choose everything for myself. She didn't rush me nor push. She just made sure I felt ready. Weeks passed. The day came. My senior year. The final stretch. It's just one year, nothing will go wrong. Or that's what I told myself.