Being Cold

“You are always nagging me to do the things when I’m tired!” 

Dinner supposed to be happy conversations and laugh between them. But when Sam stood in the kitchen door’s frame, nagging Zach to repair a light bulb, he burst out like an angry old man. Sam didn’t know how to react, knuckling her fists at the side, astonished by her boyfriend’s words. Zach scratched the back of his head, turning his heel around, and slammed the bedroom door tight. 

Sam froze, too stunned to speak. What is it that she heard? Is it another behavior she hadn’t seen from Zach for a long time? Sam maintained her balance, leaning at the door frame, and swallowed. The lump on her throat made her out of breath, as if she’s catching it after a split second. No air meant she’s getting suffocated. Sam sniffed, fighting back the raging tears, and goes back to the kitchen. 

She wiped her bare face, looking at the dishes to wash, and sighed. Sam closed her eyes, resting for a bit, and puffed her cheeks. It was such a bad day to end, and she didn’t like it at all. 

Zach noticed how Sam got silent outside of their bedroom. He shrugged, pulled his tie, and wore off his socks. He threw it on the side, retrieving his phone from his pockets, and smiled. There were at least 10 messages on the line from his honey, Stacy. Zach fell down on the bed, texted her again, and smiled cheekily. 

… 

“I want to break up so badly from him. He’s so cold.” Sam didn’t even know how she can survive another day living with him. She swirled the straw inside her iced coffee, looking so down earlier. It is lunchtime, but she didn’t want any foods to stuff in her stomach. Sam sulked, looking at her phone, and sighed. 

Not even a text or a phone call if she’s doing alright. Lyza asked, “Are you sure you’re going to be okay with it? After all that both of you had been, you’re just going to give up like that?” 

Sam wanted to be away from Zach for a while, but how is he going to take care of himself? Sam shouldn’t worry about that. After all, they’re not even a wife or a husband. They’re not married at all. They’re engaged, and both staying inside one house. But with Zach’s attitude now, she’s not going to stay with him for a while. If tomorrow’s the marriage, she’s going to call it off. 

“It’s better to know him before the marriage, Lyza. I can’t afford to have him as a hot-headed husband. The children will not experience having a generous and kind father.” It hurts. It completely hurts. Knowing after all these years, he has gone to being the kindest man living to a coldest person she couldn’t approach. Sam never knew that side of Zach. 

“I never knew he could shout at me like that. I didn’t want to be with him for today, just… it’s suffocating, like I want to go out of the house as soon as possible.” Lyza felt sorry for Sam’s relationship now. It must be too toxic to deal with. She pushed the ube cake in front of her, motioned for her to eat. 

“You need to take a breath, Sam. Will you sleep again on my house?” 

“I need to. I need to stay in your house for a while.” 

… 

Walking down in the hanging bridge for the nth time to run some errands for their production area, she bumped into someone, and realized it was Zach. Sam got surprised, the stack of papers she’s holding onto scattered on the floor. Sam and Zach stared into each other’s eyes. Sam crouched down, hustling the papers in front of her feet, and surprisingly, Zach helped her. 

They didn’t sleep on each other’s side last night as Zach shouted at her. Zach didn’t even know she went out of the house to sleep over to Lyza’s house. When he woke up in the morning, he searched for Sam’s whereabouts, only to find her here. 

Both of them touched a paper, and Sam’s heart beat louder. Zach clenched his jaw, letting it go, and hustle the last set of papers. Sam pursed her lips, standing up, not even looking at him. Zach gave the papers back at her. The tension between their interaction was undeniable. 

“Where were you last night?” Zach wanted to be straightforward. She didn’t even call him or what. Zach didn’t do the same thing. Sam looked down, fixing the edges of the paper, and looked at him for a millisecond. It’s only a fleet of her eyes. 

“I was at Lyza’s house. I planned to stay over there for a week. Just take care of yourself while I’m away.” She wanted to diffuse the conversation right away by turning her heel around, but Zach stopped her tracks. He stood in front, blocking her way. Sam furrowed her eyebrows, staring at his chest. It rose and down. 

“Did I do something wrong?” Zach knew it’s the words last night. He didn’t know Sam would take it seriously. She gripped the folders, closing her eyes, and looked up at Zach. They both stared into each other’s eyes. The rage painted in her pupils, and he couldn’t deny she’s infuriated. 

“I wanted to be honest with you, Zach. Did you forget the words you said to me last night or even the other night?” Sam didn’t know how to deal this. Why did she have to ask him? He should know it himself. Zach tilted his head to one side, swallowing hard. 

He completely remembered it… why he shouted last night. 

“I’m sorry,” Zach apologized. Sam got exhausted on hearing it again. That apology wasn’t even sincere, and he’s just going to do the same thing. Sam nodded, turning away from him, fighting back the tears. Zach observed her face, balling his fists. 

“You hurt me, so… I don’t want to accept your apology for now, Zach. Let’s just…” Sam didn’t know how to handle it again. The tears shed down her cheeks, and she breathed, “Let’s just give each other some space, alright?”

“Sam…” Zach clasped his hands together, but Sam was fast. She dashed out of the corner, leaving Zach behind, and wiped her cheeks. She puffed her cheeks, reaching the corner, and leaning on the wall. When the relationship turned into a cold, stony one, will she be able to let go? Nothing ever melt an icy heart. Zach scratched the back of his head, hissing. 

… 

The doorbell rang, and Sam was alone inside Lyza’s house. She wiped her wet hands onto her apron, sighed, and opened the door to see if it was Lyza. Her friend just went to the grocers to haul some food for their night out. Swinging the door open, she got astonished when it wasn’t Lyza who showed up in front of the door. Sam pursed her lips, looking at Zach’s apologetic eyes, and to the handbag she had in his fist. Sam swallowed, widening her eyes, and asked, “What are you doing here?” 

Zach didn’t respond right away. He peeked inside the Lyza’s house, becoming nosier. “Where is Lyza?” 

“She went out. What are you doing here? You should be home.” Sam felt the urge to push him away and close the door, but Zach held onto the frame. Sam hitched her breath, and got astonished when Zach’s jaw became rigid. She let go of the door, letting Zach stood close to her, and crossed her arms over her chest. 

Zach sighed, and couldn’t contain it anymore. He should lay low. “Please come home, Sam.” 

His pleading never worked for Sam, but this time, he wished it would. Sam never wanted to get babied, but Zach does the opposite things of what she desired. Sam rolled her eyes, turning to the other direction, and not even listening to his words. Zach came forward, finally going inside, and bit his bottom lip. 

“I will come home after a week, Zach. Can we just…” she’s too tired to even explain. 

“Why are you suddenly asking for a space?” 

“You are too cold to even notice an argument inside this conversation, Zach! Didn’t you get it at all? I wanted for you to leave me alone for a week, give me space. Give me some time to breathe.” It’s the first time Sam raised her voice. It’s not that she doesn’t love him anymore. She’s just too tired to deal with it repeatedly. It’s the same routine, and Sam wanted to get out of that cycle. 

“You should have realized now how much I wanted to get out of that same routine, Zach. I wanted to get out, so please, just… let me think of it, okay?” Zach shook his head. He knew it’s going to happen at some point, but why now? When they’re going to get married in a few months… 

“Do you just have to do this now when we’re going to get married in a few months?” Zach asked her. Sam couldn’t believe she’s hearing it. How can he even think of this marriage by now? When his behavior wasn’t the same as when they’re just both a couple? Sam shook her head. 

“Do you have to do that now?” He’s afraid, and she could sense it in his tone.