Chapter 8: I Choose My Heart

Her jaw fell open, silence possessing her very being now. 

 I saw how her breathing quickened the moment I said those words. It’s true—I love Zarion. Deeply. This is not just some puppy love that I used to have when I was fifteen.

The moment I laid my eyes on him, I knew he’s the one who will take care of my life the way my father took care of my deceased mother. They may not be here with me, but based on the stories my grandmother shared with me, I know my deceased parents lived their life to the fullest.

And I want to live mine with him.

 “Mamita, please listen to me—” 

“I am not listening to any of these absurd things again, Cassidy!” 

“But—”

“You are just eighteen years old!”  She bellowed, veins bulging in her forehead.

“And I’m old enough to indulge in these things!” 

“Oh yeah? You already knew it? Then, you tell me then—” She heaved a deep sigh and pointed the walking stick at my chest. “What do you know about love, child?” I was taken aback because of the term she had called me. “How much do you know about love?”

My Mamita stepped nearer until I’m a breath away, unknowingly clenching my hands into fists as if they had a life of their own. “You don’t know anything about love,” she studied the painting on the wall, her hands and stick behind her back. “You don’t know the responsibility it has to take, to be loved, and to love someone. It’s risky and cruel and dangerous. Very dangerous. It’s a big word, Cassidy.”

“I know, Grandma.” I whispered genuinely. My arms crossed in between my chest while looking at her. “I know what love is, mamita. I saw it… with Zarion. In Zarion’s eyes.”

She gasped, her eyes widening because of my answer. Licking my lower lip, I tried to talk again but the right words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. 

“You knew it was love… the moment you just saw a strange man in the middle of the night?” Mamita is now furious. Though her voice is soft, that’s an indication she can no longer hide the rage in her anymore. Exasperation and unspoken anger—and fear—were brightly painted on her face. 

I nodded and bit my lower lip. “Please, mamita. Can’t you just be happy for me?” Grabbing both of her hands, I squeezed them softly. With pleading eyes, I tried my best to convince her. How should I convince her? I really don’t know to be honest. “I’m already eighteen. You’re the one who told me the moment I turned into a lady, I will find the right man for me. I already did, mamita, and it was Zarion!” 

She shook her head dismissively and pointed the walking stick at me. Again. “You’re not going anywhere.” She scoffed, amusement dancing in her eyes. “You don’t even know her full name, do you?” Then, as if the conversation we just had never occurred, she shifted on her heel and sauntered away from where I was left frozen. Both of my feet refused to cooperate even for a damn second. 

“Mamita!!!” I shouted like a kid whose wishes weren't favored by the elderly. “Please… please… please!” My tears started running down my cheeks, smoothly cascading like how rain streamed down on the window. Walking towards her, I knelt in front of her and clasp my fingers on the hem of her dress. “I want to find him.” 

“Imbecile kid!” she cursed, still not looking up at me. 

I shook my head and still continued. “Please let me go. If I won’t follow him tonight, I will lost track of him, and I’m afraid to say we’re—”

“Just because you love him doesn’t mean you’re meant to be together, Cassidy! In a relationship, love must be reciprocated. How sure are you that it’s not a one-sided love?”

I was taken aback by what she pointed out, which is somehow true. But my gut feeling is telling me that it’s not a one-sided love. It’s just that…“Zarion was just trying not to show it, grandma—” I know that he knows that there’s a tension between us. That he felt my emotions, too. That he knows there’s a connection, soul to soul and body to body. I just couldn’t explain it to my grandmother. 

“How sure are you, Cassidy Salem Blythe?!” my mamita challenged; her glare could have sliced my heart in half. 

Heaving a deep sigh, I straightened my back and answered her truthfully, unfeigned emotions glimmering in my eyes.. “I’m sure my love for Zarion will be reciprocated.” 

I’m sure of it.

“Oh dear…” she rested her palm on her forehead, looking severely distressed. She was looking down at me and I saw how her eyes flickered with anger and sadness and cruelty. Cruelty that I’ve never seen before. My grandmother grabbed both of my hands and held it, lifting me from the floor. When our eyes met, I saw the dark reflection in my peripheral view again when I glanced at her back.

It was my cue to leave, not from her. But away from her—to look for Zarion. 

She was frozen at the moment she realized what I was going to do, what I’m about to do. Inside my head, I cursed myself for making my mamita—the only family I have that I even look up to as my one and only mother—feel this way, hurt this way. But this time, “I will choose my heart this time.”