Chapter 4

Elena's POV

Once again, I spent a long time explaining myself.

I told Adrian that I had never considered using the baby to force him into marriage.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was frightened.

If I hadn't trusted him and loved him, I would never have had the courage to keep it, and I wouldn't have said yes to him.

By the end I was crying.

My father died young and my mother was gravely ill. Apart from him I had nobody.

During those years, my happy memories with Adrian were the only thing keeping me going.

It hurt, and I still didn't want to let go, so I told myself his position forced him to be careful, and I tried to understand him.

Adrian didn't press further.

He was quiet for a while and said he understood.

I thought that was the end of it.

Later I understood that it was only the first time.

After that, if anyone raised the smallest doubt about me, Adrian would ask.

Then I would find time to gather evidence again. I would prove my innocence to him: I had never met those nobles in private, nor had I promised anyone anything by trading on my status as the heir's fiancée.

Then someone said I had been in contact with vampire hunters.

That time I really had met hunters.

They knew I was human and knew I was marrying Adrian, and they had cornered me more than once.

Some told me to leave him. Some tried to get information about the estate out of me.

I never gave them anything.

One time, they chased me so aggressively that I injured my arm.

I meant to tell Adrian about it.

But I had barely said the word hunters when his first question was why I had been meeting those people privately.

I looked at him and knew I had no strength left to explain.

In the end I only told him I was fine and that nothing had happened.

And I hid the injury.

The first time or two, I still explained myself carefully.

I kept thinking that if I could just clear up the misunderstanding it would be all right.

There really were a great many people around Adrian who wanted to use him.

If I was going to marry him, I should understand his concerns.

But it kept happening.

Sometimes it was no more than saying a few extra words to someone at a reception.

By the time it reached Adrian, the meaning had changed entirely.

Sometimes I received a gift, and even if I sent it back that same day, somebody would say I was taking favors from nobles in private.

I began getting into the habit of documenting everything before I acted.

I didn't dare delete a message.

Whenever I met someone, I noted the time and arranged in advance for a witness who could verify it.

I even became afraid of speaking alone to any noble in his circle.

Because I never knew which harmless pleasantry someone would pick up and turn into something else.

Adrian listened to my explanation every time.

Once it was proven that I had nothing to do with an accusation, he would not continue blaming me.

What I came to dread was the way he looked at me.

Every time someone brought him a complaint, he would look at me in silence first.

For those few seconds, he genuinely suspected me.

Not once did he simply believe me without hesitating.

All I could do was keep telling myself it would get better.

Once we were married and life settled down, perhaps these people would stop watching me.

Once Adrian was used to having me there as his wife, perhaps he would trust me the way he used to.

We had loved each other for years.

I couldn't bear to give that up over this.

Besides, my mother was still alive then, and she longed to see Adrian and me finally marry.

In those days the most important thing I did was sit with her at the hospital.

She never improved.

Toward the end she was lucid for shorter and shorter stretches.

She didn't know my baby was gone.

She didn't know how much had happened between Adrian and me.

In front of her, I was still her daughter, about to marry and soon have a family of my own.

I had always believed that enduring and hiding everything this way was the right thing to do.

At least she had something good to hold on to, and wouldn't spend her illness worrying about me.

Then, the day before the wedding, the hospital called and told me to come.

She was very weak when I got there.

She saw me and still made the effort to lift her hand.

I sat beside the bed and took her hand.

Her hand was much thinner than it used to be, and very cold.

The doctor had already warned me that she might not make it through the day.

Sitting there, I still refused to believe it.

She asked me whether the wedding was tomorrow.

I nodded.

She smiled faintly and said it was a shame she would not live to see it.

I did not dare cry. I could only say that once she recovered, Adrian and I could hold another ceremony.

She didn't answer.

She only looked at me.

After a long time, she asked, "Elena, are you happy? Really?"

I froze for a moment.

Then, out of habit, I smiled and nodded.

I was used to telling her I was doing well.

This time she didn't believe it the way she used to.

She touched my hand.

"You've never liked making me worry."

I kept my head down and said nothing.

Her voice had gone thin and weightless.

She told me she had no other wishes in this life.

She only hoped that I would be safe and live the life I wanted.

I did not have to marry a wealthy man or live a life other people envied.

It would be enough to find someone who truly loved me and treated me well.

She stopped there for a long time.

I thought she had no strength left to go on.

Then she took my hand again.

"Most of all, find someone who believes you."

The tears came at once.

She only looked at me.

"Living with a man who always makes you prove that you mean it will wear you out."

I don't know when she worked it out.

Or where I let it slip.

For a year I had put myself in order before every visit.

I had never complained to her about Adrian.

I had not even told her that I had lost the baby.

And she saw it anyway.

Perhaps she understood everything the moment she found out he hadn't lent me the money.

My first instinct was to defend him.

I wanted to say that his position was unusual.

I wanted to say that many people around the Prince's heir genuinely wanted to harm him.

The words I had prepared died on my lips.

Because I suddenly realized that I had repeated those excuses to myself far too many times.

Every time Adrian doubted me, I made excuses for him to myself.

Every time I felt wronged, I told myself he had his own difficulties.

And my mother asked me one question.

Was I happy?

I couldn't answer it. All I could do was smile stiffly and say I was fine.

She didn't try to persuade me of anything.

Her eyes filled with tears at the thought of leaving me behind as she told me to take care of myself.

She said the only thing she couldn't stop worrying about was me.

If she were no longer there, she hoped I would never make myself suffer for anyone else.

A few hours later she died.

I sat beside her the whole time.

When the nurses came in to take care of her things, I still didn't move.

I had thought I would break down.

But when the moment actually came, I hardly had any strength left.

I only kept turning over the last things she said.

Find someone who believes you.

I should find someone who did not constantly make me prove my innocence and the sincerity of my love.

I had never thought of that as something important.

I used to believe that if two people loved each other, everything else could be worked out in time.

And then a great many things from that year came back to me.

The way Adrian had looked at me the first time I asked for nine million dollars.

I remembered losing the baby and Adrian suspecting that I had used the pregnancy to force him into marriage.

All those rumors I explained away, one after another.

I had proved myself so many times.

And the next time something like it happened, he would still doubt me.

I couldn't be sure that getting married would end it.

It might not end at all.

It might be decades of this.

Every time I was misunderstood, I had to prove myself first.

Every time someone whispered something in Adrian's ear, I had to wait for him to decide all over again whether I deserved his trust.

At that thought, I stopped making those feeble excuses for him.

That day I sat a long time in the empty room where she had been.

It was nearly dark before I left.

By the time I walked out of the hospital, I had decided.

I didn't want to live like that anymore.

After all those years I of course didn't want to let go.

My mother's final wish was for me to be happy.

I couldn't go against that.

Then a number I didn't know sent me a message.

It began with an offer of nine million dollars.

All I had to do was hand over Adrian's access crest and reveal his whereabouts.

I looked at it for a long time.

Nine million dollars.

Exactly the sum I had once asked him for.

And they even knew the crest was in my hands.

I knew almost at once that it was another test.

Once, I would have gone straight to Adrian.

I would show him the phone.

I would tell him someone had contacted me, prove my loyalty before he could ask, and show him that the money had never tempted me for a second.

That day I didn't.

I only thought about the way my mother had looked at me at the end.

And I replied, "All right."

It was time, I thought, to say goodbye to him.