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Feeling optimistic
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2026-03-23 05:30:30Two pairs of feet are pitter pattering along my hallway. My thoughts are all over the place, thinking back of me and my husbands history, our trips across the world all the places in this house where we went down on each other, yet I am still managing to start a bath. I lean down and stir the water here and there, thinking about his touch, his caresses whilst opening and closing the left and right faucets, waiting for it to be just the right temperature.
My daughter comes crashing into me, trying to take cover from her little brother’s terrorism. Frustrated, he tries to wedge himself between us to get her loose. We all tumble down and start laughing. Suddenly he realises he must be a bit more careful with me. “Mom, are you okay? Did I hurt the baby?” Seven months along, I wobble back to my feet. “No worries, Timothy. We are just fine.” Jocelyn makes a break for it and darts to her room, but long gone are the days when she can outrun her brother. I take a deep breath and salvage the rare quiet moment. My thoughts wander again to a distant memory. Just nine years ago, things were very different. I look around the bathroom, remembering where it all began, how far we have come. Now the world is my oyster. I never knew that I would have to start over at just 28. I find myself smiling, instantly feeling foolish. I actually have so little, yet so much to be grateful for. No one would blame me for feeling a bit sorry for myself considering the circumstances. The two kids rush back. The water is just right, and I challenge them to a game of rock, paper, scissors. It is always a fight when it comes to who bathes first, but I have a few tricks up my sleeve. Jocelyn wins. Timothy lets out a moan. “How does she always win?” I give Jocelyn a questioning look. “What? He makes it too easy. I know his sequence. He does it all the time.” Timothy is already up in arms. “No, I do not. But I want to toss a coin next time. Then it is not up to us, it is up to fate.” Fate. That is a word I have not thought about in a long time. I hate the idea of a set predestined path. The thought irritates me and I push it back. I ruffle Timothy’s dark strands and pull him toward the kitchen. “Okay, next time we will toss a coin. Put some music on. You can choose what is for lunch tomorrow and help me pack it.” My boy is a foodie. I can see the delight in his eyes. I am pleased with the thought that both my children have a love for the finer things in life. We all need to. How else will we get by if we do not have little novelties to spark some joy. We dance away and Timothy starts spreading ingredients across the kitchen counter while spinning circles around me. For an eight year old boy, he has some moves. It seems we will be making our famous jaw breaker sandwich, pulling out all the stops. Cold meat, sauces, tomatoes, lettuce, cucumber, gherkins and a fried egg. Before you know it, you have a jaw breaker. Timothy and I get busy, and I decide to check on Jocelyn. “Hey sweetie, how far are you?” I hear the water swishing. “Ah Mom, I will be done in a sec. Can I just add some more hot water and get a little more time?” I glance at Timothy, who has decided to take it upon himself to fry the egg. “Sure honey. Tim and I are just about to start building the sandwiches. What sauce do you want on it?” After a long pause, “Mom, is it fine if I skip most of it and just have some of the leftover chicken for a chicken mayo?” To be honest, that is not a bad idea and would have made tonight much simpler. “No worries babe. We will make it for you.” As I approach the kitchen, I see a look on Tim’s face that breaks my heart. I do not need to ask why. He misses his father, we all do. “You okay bud?” I see him concentrate and put on a brave face. “Yeah Mom. No problems here.”
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Not bound by honey Finally getting there
As I was getting dressed, Jason started making up the bed, pulling the sheets tight with more force than necessary, smoothing out creases that weren’t really there. He moved like he needed something practical to do, something to steady himself.“Sweedie,” I said softly, watching his back, “don’t you want to do the paternity test?”He froze mid-tug, the sheet clenched in his fist. His shoulders went rigid before he slowly let the fabric fall.“Rach, how did you know I was thinking about it…” “Its been all over you face for days”“He exhaled, not turning around yet. “I am scared to get my hopes up.”The honesty in it caught me off guard.“What if I need to know?” I asked gently. My voice felt smaller than I intended.He turned then, leaning back against the edge of the bed, arms folding across his chest like armor. “Why did you not try to find out before you married Chris? Were you not scared it was mine?”I swallowed. I knew what my answer was and I knew he wasn’t going to like it.“B
Not bound by honey Still warm
We were cupping each other’s faces when I leant in and gave him a feverish kiss. He responded in equal measure lifting me from the counter and moving us to the shower. As we climbed in I moved down and he slid out of me.Steam curled around us, thick and blinding, turning the small shower into its own private world. The water pounded against tile, against skin, against the tension that had been building between Jason and me all morning.He stepped in behind me without asking.His hand slid around my waist, firm. The heat of his body pressed into my back, contrasting the spray of water cascading over my shoulders. I felt small in his grip.“You will always he the one for me,” he murmured near my ear, his voice low and steady, almost swallowed by the sound of the water.His fingers traced slowly up my stomach, deliberate, l. He turned me to face him with one hand at my hip, guiding me like he already knew I would follow. His eyes were darker in the steam, focused, unreadable.“Look at m
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Jason was up early with the kids letting me sleep in. I find myself often drifting off to memories. I wonder sometimes looking backing if Chris was trying to tell me something. I think I am especially drifting because I just can’t help but wonder if Hemming Port was the last we saw of him.“Morning sunshine”Morning I said with my face lighting up. “Is that happiness for me or the coffee” Jason said with a laugh“You will never know” I winked back at himHe sat by my feet massaging them. “You want to get out a bit with Ally and Dylan? Its been a while since we spent time with them”I looked up at him whilst drawing a sip, “Its been a while since we did a lot of things.”He smiled at me “You mean two days”“Like I said a long time”He moved closer and kissed me “Well Mrs Everwood you choose, do you want a warm cup of coffee or a warm shower with me?”I put the cup down and placed my arms around him “A warm shower” I whisperedJason placed an arm behind my back and his other under my k
Not bound by honey Last remnants of Europe
We carried on with the project. Chris and I started spending every night together. Jason seemed to not care at all. But then I must also say, I wonder how much he noticed. I finally figured out who that girl is that he was with from Switzerland. Her name is Celeste. Although Jason is not breathing a word about her. Not how they met, whats their history or how she has been pitching up in every country we have gotten to. Needless to say, I don’t know if Chris moved i to the van with me for me or because he could not deal with being that close to shower sex, as often as it was happening. We were now in Algarve Portugal. As we like to call it Sun & Skin. It has beautiful Golden cliffs, hidden caves that you need to reach by boat, quiet beaches with the mist dramatic ocean views Our mornings were slow, I always had drinks coning up. Hot or cold depending on where we were. But here ice teas felt fitting. Slower mornings, salt on skin, swims morning and evening. We were needing some ice
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The wind was picking up outside as Chris and I lay tangled in each other’s arms. I could tell something was bothering him. His body started to feel more and more tense.“Whats wrong?” I asked whiles till leaning into himHis body tended as my words came out“Rachel, you don’t really know me”I laughed “Chris, I am embarrassed to say but having a crush on you for so many years has its side effects”He looked down at me and kissed me “Yes but there is many ways to know someone and still not really know them”I started to realise he was serious “Is there something that you want to share with me”“I just realised that we are bringing a child into this world together and there may be things that you may want to know”I sat up a little and pulled the sheet over me“l would love to hear” He grabbed his jocks and put them on and leaned a against my built in cupboard “I grew up in a good family. A big one, I have four siblings. We are all boys. My parents did not have a lot of money. So from
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My heart started pounding as I took in his words. Trying to convince myself to trust them. Chris moved closer “Rachel, please let me touch you again” I hesitated for a moment still wounded by how things have been between us. He moved in before I could nod or say yes I didn’t turn toward him. I felt him there. The heat of him. His desire. Once, I would have curled into his chest without thinking. Once, he would have reached for me and I would have answered before he even asked. But that was before the disappearing. Before the words in Sweden. Before the way he could make me feel chosen one moment and discarded the next. My body almost failing me “Chris,” I said quietly. He didn’t argue. That alone made my chest tighten. Instead, he moved slowly like sudden movements might scare me off and reached for my hand. Not my waist. Not my thighs. Just my hand. His fingers wrapped around mine gently, his thumb brushing over my knuckles in soft, steady strokes. “I know,” he said. Hi
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