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Our Secret Baby 39
“Well, I’m definitely learning from this conversation. I’ve never known anyone with Down syndrome before Sunny. But I can clearly see that she’s a healthy, happy baby.”Sunny continued to sleep through our whispered conversation.“Don’t get me wrong,” Carys said. “She will definitely face challenges a typical kid wouldn’t. But overall, our day-to-day life is the same as if she didn’t have Down’s.” She stared off. “When people ask me, ‘what she has’ or ‘how I feel,’ I tell them she was blessed with an extra chromosome and leave it at that.”I loved that. I nodded. “Everything is a matter of outlook.”“That’s right. And I don’t view her as handicapped. Unique, maybe. But not handicapped.” Carys played with some lint on the couch. “They did tell me to expect her speech to be delayed. She started early-intervention services as soon as she was born. Someone comes to the apartment a couple of times a week. She might have to learn sign language before she starts talking, but I’ll take that a
Our Secret Baby 40
PROMISE NOT TO LAUGHCARYSThe faint noise of traffic from the street below was the only sound in the room as I nervously waited for Cynthia Bordeaux, the director of City Ballet, to begin the interview. Cynthia and I had met years ago when I danced for her competitor.She finally took a seat across from me and folded her hands.“So, let’s get right to it, Carys. Why do you think you’d be the best choice for the PR position we have open?”Forcing confidence, I sat up straighter. “Because I know the business inside and out, not only as a performer, but I worked the admin side for a couple of years after my injury. That well-rounded experience, as well as my good writing and speaking skills, makes me a great fit.”She moved her pen between her fingers. “But you don’t have any specific public relations experience. So you can understand my hesitation in hiring you for this particular job.”“Well, I never worked in public relations. But months of having to respond to the press regarding my
Our Secret Baby 41
DeaconWHAT GOES IN MUST COME OUT I knew today was Carys’s first day of her new job. Over the past few weeks, she’d interviewed a ton of people about watching Sunny. She’d finally found a woman she liked—a retired daycare worker looking for something to keep herself occupied, and who didn’t require a set schedule.I’d gotten up at 5AM and gone to the gym, grabbing Starbucks on the way back so I could drop one off for Carys before she had to leave for work. Even if she’d already had her coffee, an extra might not hurt today.Holding the cardboard tray, I knocked on her door.She opened, and it was clear from her face that something was wrong. “What’s going on?”Her voice was shaky. “Sharon, the woman who was supposed to be watching Sunny today, just called. Her husband is having problems breathing, and she had to take him to the emergency room. She’s not going to be able to come.” A tear fell down her cheek. “This is my
Our Secret Baby 42
CarysMORE IN COMMON THAN YOU KNOW The sound of running water immediately registered when I walked in the door. Cynthia had sent me home at 2:30 with a bunch of information to review. I was thrilled that I’d be able to relieve Deacon a bit early.“Deacon?” I yelled.“In here!” I heard him holler.Oh no. This isn’t good.When I got to the bathroom, I said, “I would ask what happened, but Iknow what happened.”Deacon held Sunny stiffly away from his body as the tub filled. She had poop all the way up her back.“There was no way the wipes were going to clean this,” he said, sweat pouring from his forehead.I rolled up the sleeves of my jacket and took her from him. “I’ll take it from here.”Deacon immediately left the room. I thought he ran out to vomit or something, but he returned soon after with a bath towel. “Now I know where you keep them, in that small closet in the hall
Our Secret Baby 43
DeaconTHE BLACK SWAN It felt good to let it all out.I’d wanted to tell Carys about my background for a while, but the timing was never right. When she invited me over for dinner, part of the reason I accepted was because I figured I’d have an opportunity to finally explain.“From the moment you told me about your accident,” I said, “I’ve felt very connected to you, like maybe I was meant to meet you, because of our shared experience.”I immediately regretted those words. Too intense. They were the truth, but I didn’t want her to take them the wrong way. Meant to meet you.I corrected, “I don’t mean to sound—”“Misery loves company. I get it.” She smiled. “I’m really happy you told me.”She placed her delicate hand on my arm. I wished she wouldn’t touch me, because my body reacted every time she did. I had no business feeling that way about Carys. My attraction to her made things uncomfortable. She w
Our Secret Baby 44
CarysDID YOU LOOK IN MY BOX? A few days went by before I heard from Deacon again. I’d had this funny feeling he was keeping his distance because things had teetered on crossing the line during our dinner—not necessarily on a physical level, but certainly on an emotional one. Sharing that video of my Swan Lake performance was like taking the Band-Aid off a wound that hadn’t quite healed yet. But somehow, after letting it air out, I didn’t feel like I needed the Band-Aid anymore. Reliving my past, even for that brief moment, had been therapeutic. And my confidence in doing so had everything to do with Deacon first opening up to me.The story he’d told me about his past made me feel less alone. I’d never imagined my happy-go-lucky neighbor was hiding something so painful.I got a text from him on Monday afternoon while Sunny was napping. Deacon: Hey… I got a package that was meant for you. Delivery guy got the apartmen
Our Secret Baby 45
CarysWE’RE JUST FRIENDS Fall flew by, and before I knew it, winter was upon us in New York. I couldn’t believe I now had a nine-month-old. Over the past couple of months, my friendship with Deacon had grown stronger, but it was still just that—a friendship and nothing more.He’d chosen not to go home to Minnesota for Christmas, instead going to Vail on a ski trip with friends from New York. While he was away, my mother came for a two-day visit from Florida. And that was enough. By the end of her stay, I’d had enough of her criticisms about my parenting and ignorant questions about Sunny. I loved my mother but could only take so much of her.Now it was January, and I looked forward to what the new year would bring. My job was going well, and Cynthia had given me more responsibilities.Since I was working in the office today, Simone and I met for a quick lunch. We hadn’t gotten together in a long time, so we had a lot to catch u
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DeaconTHE BIRTHDAY GIFT After I’d returned to my apartment, I couldn’t stop thinking about Carys and that guy in Starbucks. Fuck. Why had it bothered me so damn much? Seeing her with a dude who looked like he wanted to eat her up definitely got under my skin. I’d always told myself nothing could come of my attraction to Carys, yet I seemed unable to turn off the jealousy. That was messed up, because it couldn’t work both ways. That old saying came to mind again. You can’t have your cake and eat it, too, Deacon.It may have been a business thing, but there was no way Carys was walking away from that meeting without an invitation for something more. And why wouldn’t she take it? He looked like he had his shit together.It was only a matter of time before she started dating, anyway. As her friend, I’d have to suck up my feelings on that. She had needs—as her masturbation book had proven. What I’d neglected to tell her back then was that s
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