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59
Deacon
LAST WORDSI’d rented a car for the ninety-minute drive north to Poughkeepsie, and it had been a smooth ride with no traffic. This had definitely been a good idea. I now held Sunny up as she sat atop one of the ponies at Archwood Farms. She was always a happy child, but the ponies brought out a level of excitement I’d never witnessed before.After the pony ride, I went to fetch Carys and me a couple of coffees from the small concession building, while she took Sunny to a grassy area with a bunch of pumpkins laid out. Sunny was now walking independently. While a little wobbly, she was fully mobile.After I ordered our drinks, the woman I knew to be one of the owners of the farm smiled at me. “Your daughter looked like she was having so much fun out there. I’m so glad you guys could come up north today.”We’d spoken to her briefly when we first arrived, but I didn’t realize she’d assumed I was Sunny’s father. I opened my mRelated chapters
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CarysNICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN Over the next six weeks or so, Charles proved he hadn’t been kidding when he’d vowed to earn my trust back. I appreciated that he was letting me call the shots on his reentrance into my life, though.In addition to abiding by a visitation schedule, he’d also begun depositing money more regularly in my bank account. I’d never refused his occasional offerings, but now that he wasn’t doing everything behind Violet’s back, he’d set up a direct deposit each month. I wasn’t going to complain. Sunny deserved his support.We’d agreed on a twice-a-month visitation schedule for starters. I gave him a few hours on Saturdays. We’d take Sunny out, and she was slowly taking to him, offering occasional smiles and responses to his endless efforts to make her laugh. It was noticeably different than her immediate attachment to Deacon had been, though.Charles hadn’t insisted on using the term dad around her, and I was
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DeaconCOCKBLOCKER “What are you looking at?” she asked.Shit. How long had I been staring at her? I hadn’t meant to make her uncomfortable. It was just… I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I’d done a pretty decent job of keeping Carys out of my mind this week. Then I got to the checkout line at the supermarket where I’d been picking up groceries for my grandmother. The cashier looked like an older version of Sunny. Did she think I was staring at her because she had Down syndrome? Shit. That wasn’t it at all.“I’m sorry. I know I was staring at you. It’s because you remind me of someone who’s special to me, someone I don’t get to see anymore. I didn’t mean to be rude.”She rolled her eyes, and it made me chuckle, because I could see Sunny growing up to be as feisty as this girl. My chest tightened at the thought that I might never see Carys or Sunny again.It had been three months since I’d left New York, and my life ther
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DeaconHINDSIGHT IS TWENTY-TWENTY Since arriving in Minnesota, I’d avoided being alone with my father. I’d gone over to my parents’ for dinner but left before Dad had a chance to corner me. He hadn’t said anything hurtful yet, but I dreaded encountering the version of him I remembered—the one who did nothing but criticize me. I didn’t need him making me feel inadequate when I already felt pretty damn shitty since leaving Carys the way I did.It appeared I could only hide for so long, though. I was shoveling snow outside my grandmother’s house one day when I looked up to see my Dad’s red truck.Sticking the shovel into the snow, I leaned on it as I watched him approach. He reached over to brush some snow off my coat, and I felt my eyes widen. It was rare my father touched me. Aside from the brief hug I’d given him when I first arrived here, there had been no other contact—no handshakes or pats on the back.I stepped back. “What’
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CarysTHE TEXT This was a huge day. It would be the first time I let Charles see Sunny without me being there, too. The plan seemed innocent enough. He’d brought his kids to my apartment, and they would be hanging out for a couple of hours.Talia and Xavier had recently met Sunny for the first time. Today was their third visit. The kids had really taken to her, and Sunny liked them. Allowing them to meet seemed to be one of the rare good decisions I’d made this past year.So with Sunny occupied by Charles and his kids, I was off to run a couple of errands and take a breather. I had mixed feelings about leaving her alone with them, but Charles had earned back a bit of my trust in the past few months. While I wouldn’t trust him with my heart again, I knew he was a responsible father to his two other kids. I had no reason to fear for Sunny’s safety while in his care.And also? Mama needed a breather. I mainly had a babysitter for
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CarysJUST COFFEE Despite saying he’d give me time to ready myself, Deacon texted me a few days later to ask if I would be willing to meet him during my lunch break on one of the days I worked in the office. I said yes. We needed to have the conversation away from Sunny.I chose Friday, but instead of a lunch meet-up, I opted to have the sitter stay late so I could meet Deacon after work. I didn’t know how I’d feel after our talk, or how long the meeting would last, so I didn’t want to have to go back to the office.Deacon was waiting in a corner seat at Starbucks when I arrived. It was my first time in here since before he’d left for Minnesota. He looked painfully handsome, dressed in all black. He fidgeted with his hands as his eyes wandered the room. His mouth curved into a hesitant smile when he spotted me. He stood.When I approached, I could tell he wasn’t sure what to do, whether to hug me or not. He leaned in and gave m
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DeaconHOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE? You’ve heard the saying that life is not a sprint, it’s a marathon? Well, earning Carys’s trust back was more like a slow wade through an ocean. But it was worth it, even if not getting to reach out and touch her was downright painful. A month-and-a-half after I returned to New York, my relationship with Carys was slowly improving.One afternoon, as we sat in her living room drinking the coffees I’d brought over, I presented her with something I’d made back in Minnesota.I took it out of the small bag. “I forgot to give this to you. It’s for Sunny. I made it while I was home.”Carys smiled as she examined the pink hat. “You crocheted this?”“Yup. My grandmother was trying to get me out of her house, where I stayed half the time. She wanted to invite dirty old men over without my being there, but that’s a story for another day.” I laughed. “Anyway, she commissioned me to help her make hats
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CarysNAUGHTY GIRL The months since Deacon’s return had reminded me a lot of the early days of our relationship. He was there when I needed him but didn’t cross any boundaries. I knew he was being careful not to make assumptions about my readiness to let him back into my life.It all felt a little like déjà vu because Deacon had reverted back to being a good friend I desperately wanted to have sex with. But I hadn’t let myself go there yet. I kept waiting to feel a hundred-percent sure he would never hurt me again. But is it ever possible to be absolutely certain?One Saturday afternoon, Sharon called to tell me she had the day free if I wanted her to come spend a few hours with Sunny. She said she figured I might appreciate some time to myself. Never one to refuse unexpected help, I thanked her and said I would love to take her up on that.She arrived about an hour later. As I kissed Sunny goodbye and headed out the door, I re
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EPILOGUE Deacon Getting Carys to fully believe in me didn’t happen as quickly as I’d hoped. And there was no formal discussion or announcement when things had finally crossed the barrier of trust. Our being back together happened slowly and organically. I spent every day for months showing her I wasn’t going anywhere, and taking the time to learn how to be a good partner to her and a father to Sunny. Because I’d put in the work, I finally reaped the rewards.In the five years since Carys entered my life, I’d learned many things, including the following, in no particular order.One: You can’t prove yourself with words, only actions.Two: You can’t choose who you love. It never mattered what I told myself about not getting into a relationship with Carys. From the moment we connected, I was destined to lose the battle with my brain.Three: Full freedom can’t be achieved until you forgive yourself. I finally so
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