PROLOGUE

My name is Camie. And I ran away from my community.

I made this decision suddenly one summer morning, it was lunch time around 7 a.m. I think, Father had come home. Back from the week of annual inter-community conference to which he and his advisors were invited, and this morning at breakfast, mom prepared all these favorite little dishes to please him and soften these bad morning moods

My big sister who was married and had already given birth to a pretty little girl, will come with her household for lunch.

I strained my ears and could hear the baby's coos... and I saw that she was already there.

I filled the tub with water and with a pot to rinse my body from time to time, I quickly took my bath, my gaze fixed in front of me, to avoid contemplating my body.

Afterwards, I set about putting on my strictest dress, which did not reveal a millimeter of skin other than my face and my hands.

Then I tied my hair with a large sail, going completely around my little head so that no rebellious strands escaped. I must always make a good impression on father, because before being my father, he is the bishop of our community in Pennsylvania.

Because in fact, I was not just an ordinary young girl, but rather an ordinary and Amish young girl

We the Amish are a community that lives in self-sufficiency far from the modern and digital world that we know. In our country, women are responsible for maintaining the house and raising the children while the men manage their farm. We refuse all modernity and are almost cut off from the world, it is an austere world, pious and very attached to traditions. But it never bothered me, because I loved my way of life, my home and my community, even though I was sad all the time, even though I was traumatized, even though I knew I was not not pure, that I was not like the others, despite the many secrets that I had to bury deep inside me to be able to continue to pretend to be normal, to be someone that I am not! not daring to imagine a world outside of the one I knew...but I loved my life and I did not dare hope to live differently, Just as I would never dare to try to make a rumprinsga in order to learn to discover other societies that are less formal and freer than mine.

After all, this was my home.

Despite everything, I had to, no I was obliged to limit my thoughts and my desires and suffer everything in silence because my family did the same.

Everyone did the same.

And you should never go against the grain of the family.

Isn't it?

But one day, everything changed.

I understood that I was only living in denial and injustice. that like everyone else, I persisted in closing my eyes and pretending that everything was fine.

This last day had started well, it was a family reunion among many others and like every time, I had to make myself as presentable as possible to my father who didn't let anything slip by.

I had exchanged my everyday boot for those of Sunday and after having taken a look at my outfit. I left my room to go to the living room.

Saraï, my big sister was nursing Orpah and Cham her husband was talking with my big brother about a year apart. And my mother was in the kitchen busying herself...

- Honor! I say softly.

- Respect! They answer me.

After making the usual greetings, I rushed towards my niece who had turned her head towards me.

- Hello my little Orpa!! I cooed. Auntie Camie is very, very happy to see your angelic face.

- Phew! You can take it! This little one has the appetite of an ogre! My sister was quick to hand it to me.

While I was going to protest, she takes me in advance.

- Don't worry! I'll help mom in the kitchen for you.

Delighted, I nodded and took Orpa with me, to try to make her laugh. My attention was attracted by my brother and my brother-in-law who were chatting animatedly, Bible in hand, about a verse.

It wasn't surprising, they are both stubborn on this point.

Downstairs the atmosphere was rather relaxed when footsteps on the stairs sounded at the same moment as in The hall clock, it struck 8 o'clock.

Dad's fast is over and now he's going down to lunch...

He appears at the doorway of the living room, and at the same moment a respectful silence falls in the room, even the birds are silent outside, we had the impression...

Father was a man with an impressive and imposing build...his always calm face and his discreet and observant manner made him an inexcusable man of God!

I fear him, everyone fears him in the community. A respectful fear they say! and our family is seen as the most holy and respectable in the county and my father does everything to maintain this image. But I knew more than anyone that it was just an image

He scanned the room with an indescribable gaze and narrowed his eyes, before saying.

- May the peace of our lord be with you my dear children...

We rushed, except me, to stand up to receive his morning blessing. Some precious things according to the people here. I pretended to be too busy with the baby just so I wouldn't have to have him touch me with his hypocritical false blessings!

- We receive it in the name of Jesus! We respond in unison while closing our eyes with our right hand on our hearts.

Finally he came into the living room and glanced at me. and as I had anticipated, he fixed me with his inquisitive gaze which used to make me tremble with fear, but that day, I just held his gaze firmly and with distrust, which visibly surprised him slightly, but being a cold-blooded man except these times! he quickly resumed his impassive manner.

- Camie, why aren't you in the kitchen helping your mother, like a daughter of the Lord should do? He asks without looking at me and sitting down at the table.

Says the one who has done practically nothing all day!!

And to think that I spent my life believing that it was normal!

- Father, it was I who asked him to watch over Orpa for me, and that I would replace her in the kitchen... my sister intervenes.

I hadn't noticed that Saraï was half-open in the door and rushed to answer for me.

- I was speaking to Camie. He always responds in this calm tone.

My sister blushed violently and stammered incomprehensible answers before falling silent.

Even at the age of 25, the latter was under the total influence of the latter. Who isn't around here?

Secretly, in my heart I have always wondered why my father is considered the reincarnation of the son of God on Earth, the messenger, a saint....he is in no way endearing, he demands a lot and its mere presence grills the neurons...

With a reincarnation of the son, shouldn't we feel good?

Shouldn't we feel like we're valuable just to ourselves?

Should we fear his approving or disapproving gaze with every step we take?

I never had a father, this inaccessible man who only provokes fear was in no way a paternal presence during these last 19 years of my life! on the contrary! he hurt me, he hurt us all and we are all too stubborn to realize it.

I came back to myself, when I met my father's gaze, visibly waiting for a response from me.

- I was looking after little Orpa for my sister, your little girl doesn't want to stay quietly in her cradle...I say as gently as possible.

- Yet she must know how to stay there. He responds with a frown. It is from a very young age that he must be taught to stay in his place and behave well for the glory of the Father.

Everyone agreed with what he said, but I frowned too.

- I don't see the harm in her need for love and affection.

- She has the Father's love, that's the most important thing. My father retorts.

Ignoring the warning look from my sister and brother I reply.

- Perhaps, but at her young age she does not completely have the understanding to understand this infinite invisible and spiritual Love, perhaps she feels it. But the love of his family is more tangible, it will help him flourish as he grows up.

- There is no age to understand the love of God because it is done above all with the spirit and the spirit is born mature.

- Not so mature given that some people who call themselves Christians do things that God condemns so I wonder if this so-called love of God is simply not just an excuse and pretext to free oneself from affection that every parent must give to their child... I got excited, and even my father's unquestioning look did not dissuade me from continuing on my path.

I was angry, I was frustrated. Before I would never have dared to speak...but not since I spoke to him...not after what I had discovered. Because it had made explicit all the internal questions that I was asking myself, it had clarified this feeling of unease which had accompanied me all my life, it had taken me out of this fearful silence in which I confined myself and it had made me realize that this community was rotten to the core.

It made me realize that I hated my father.

- My father-in-law is always right. My sister's husband exclaimed deferentially in an attempt to distract Father's attention. The holy spirit speaks through him.

And of course, everyone sided with the general opinion and praise rained down all over the room. To avoid being part of it, I begin to pierce Orpa while whispering affectionate words to her.

My sister took her from my hands and placed her in her cradle.

The little one started crying while stretching her arms towards her mother and sometimes towards me.

But Sarai gave him a rattle and whispered.

- Stay calmly here Ok?

My mother appeared at the door and announced to everyone.

- Lunch is ready, let's eat please.

As Sarai followed the movement, I stopped her.

- She's crying! You're not going to leave her, are you?

She didn't answer me and went into the dining room.

I gave a little kiss on the forehead to my niece who was hiccupping with tears before leaving the room too.

- Yes, father is always right, isn't he? To err is human except for Father.

Why did I feel like my tongue was being raw when I said these words?

After my father blessed the food, lunch passed in silence.

- Oh actually, Camie I arranged a meeting for you with Naomie so she can take your measurements. Said my father in a casual tone.

The forkful of meat that I was about to shove into my mouth stopped abruptly.

- Ah good? But for what occasion will I have a new dress?

- For the wedding.

- Oh! Who's getting married! I smile excitedly thinking of Maud my cousin, maybe Samuel finally decided to propose.

My father calmly rested his elbows on the table and tilted his head to give him a frank look.

- I thought about it, Camie. You're old enough to get married and since I don't want to fall behind like with your sister, it's only natural that it's Joshua that you're going to get married to, say at the end of the summer.

I was so stunned that I froze unable to say a word.

He didn't do that, did he?

I told him, I told my family what Joshua had done to me. Why don't I speak to him anymore, although my father didn't believe me, but the others knew that I wasn't lying when I said that behind this angelic face hid a monster!

I gave a desperate look at my sister, my brother, and my mother....they weren't looking at me, they all had their heads down...Now that he felt that I was rebelling, he wanted to send me to another cage, even more golden, even darker, even more hateful.

He did what he wanted under the cowardly impassivity of his family, a family who did not want to face my gaze. Because they knew, they all knew.

So in my turn, I had become a hypocrite, I had made my decision.

I knew what I wanted to do......what needed to be done.

- When should I go? I ask in the same conversational tone that it surprised me even.

They all looked up at me, who didn't flinch.

They were surprised, I suppose, that I didn't rebel, scream, scream...

And my father had this satisfied smile, he was surely delighted to see that his public humiliation from the last time had taken effect....

My hand didn't tremble, I wasn't afraid, I wasn't sad or desperate...

There was emptiness.

Or maybe I could fake it because I felt ready, I knew I was ready to declare war on my father.

Because, in any case, it was wasted effort, there was nothing else to do but to rebel, to free oneself.

- As of today in fact. She expects you around 10am, but straight after lunch you can go find her.

- Good father. I respond coldly before finishing my meal.

Then the rest passed as if in a fog, then when the time to leave arrived, I took my big bundle and left the house, I crossed the fields to go to our dear seamstress, but finally I turned around and arrived in front of a tree. I sit there and start digging up the ground. The box was still where I had left it, I opened it and took the phone buried there, I dialed the number and we quickly picked up.

-Hello, it's me.

I take a deep breath, look around me, these vast fields where I once ran, played, slept.....but this field, this place had also forced me to hide a lot of things, to deny my dreams , acting until I didn't know who I really was.

But that was the end of it all.

I am aware that I know nothing in this world, but there are three things that I know.

1-I hate my father.

2-I will spend the rest of my existence destroying everything he has built.

And there's no way I'm going to stay another day under his influence.

I take a deep breath, squeeze the android tightly in the palm of my hand and say to my interlocutor.

-I walk with you. Tell me what I should do.

My name is Camie and this is my story.