Part Four

We had a few other wolf children that went to the same school as us and I made a point of it to look out for them. There were two other families that lived in Seward that weren’t part of our pack, they were lone wolves and preferred the lifestyle.

In an attempt to appear as if I was doing fine, I had started dating one of the girls from our pack but it was just for show. We didn’t hang out after school or even hold hands. James disapproved and he made it known almost every day.

“Dating Michelle won’t change anything.” We were driving to school and I looked out of the passenger side window and thought about what I was going to say.

“I know, but have you seen the way Sarah still looks at me?”

It took all my strength to ignore Sarah at school. We had the same friends and the same classes, and it took all my resolve not to break my promise to Malachi. I should have known better because Malachi expected me to be better.

“Do you want her to hate you?” James’ question was valid and I thought that maybe I did.

“Maybe. Being hated is easier to process than being responsible for causing hurt. Besides, Michelle knows we’re only pretending until one of us imprints.”

The moment James parked the Jeep in the parking lot, I switched my emotions off and plastered a smile on my face as we got out of the car.  Michelle was sitting on a bench, waiting for us. She did this every morning despite all the nasty looks the cheerleaders gave her. I smiled at her and wondered for the first time how all of this was affecting her.

“Morning,” I said and took her backpack as we walked into the school building.

“Hi,” she said back to me and I walked with her to class.

She was a year younger than we were and James followed behind us. I felt everyone’s eyes on us. Michelle wasn’t popular and I wondered how many of our friends had actually known her name before I’d started dating her.

Sarah and Jasmine walked past us and I could see the hurt in Sarah’s eyes. I had moved on so quickly that she couldn’t help but think the worst of me. If only I could tell her that hating me was the best thing for her, for both of us. I missed her intensely and that’s why I had decided to keep my emotions switched off.

“I know you said this was only temporary, but…” Michelle started to say.

“Are you fake breaking up with me?” I asked her and smiled.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

I regarded her closely. She was a good person but I could also see what this was doing to her. “So, would you like to do it publicly or just part as friends?”

Michelle laughed and I couldn’t help but smile. “I wouldn’t dream of ruining your reputation by breaking up with you publicly.” She was a sweetheart. We parted as friends and for a little while I almost felt like myself again.

My downfall would begin as I turned my attention to the girls of Kenai High School. That was where I met Jessica for the first time. She was a beautiful brunette with sultry eyes and she was fun to be around.

She liked adrenaline rushes and she did whatever it was I wanted to do. She never complained when I went radio silent and she wasn’t needy at all. She was also the most sarcastic, direct and honest person I knew.

She was exactly what I needed at that point in my life and I spent many nights with her. My relationship with Jessica wasn’t a sexual one, it was pure friendship. We were friends and she lifted my spirits by just being there. She had plenty of friends as well and soon I knew them intimately.

I saw more of Jessica, and most nights I couldn’t remember how I got home or what had happened. I had gaps in my memory and somehow it didn’t really bother me at the time. It was a dark time in my life and I spent most of my time drinking and getting into fights that I couldn’t remember starting.

Seeing Sarah on a daily basis at school was beginning to break my resolve, and so I turned to parties and alcohol and other girls to take my mind off it. I could talk to Jessica and I had told her a humanized version of our break-up. She never judged me when she should have.

I wasn’t me. I was a version of me that I didn’t particularly like but I also didn’t dislike me. It was a catch twenty-two situation within myself as I spent night after night sneaking out of the house or just not going home at all. I was almost seventeen and the rebel inside me had awakened. I barely focused on school and I didn’t want to stop.

Numbing my emotions with alcohol helped for a while but it was nice being accepted into her circle of friends and I barely registered the times that she tried to talk me down from doing whatever idiotic stunt I had dreamed up next. I went through girls like it was a competition, a fact I’m not proud of and earned myself the nickname ‘Superstar’.

At that point I had an ongoing sexual relationship with Megan, Lauren, Hazel and Amber. It wasn’t a secret that I was sleeping with all of them, they all knew, they were friends and Jessica would narrow her eyes at me every time I disappeared with one of them.

I didn’t really care and I should have. My reputation was going from bad to worse and I was actually surprised that I hadn’t been picked up by the local police for assault. Jessica would always clean me up and let me sleep it off on her couch.

For some insane reason, her parents were rarely at home and in the mornings she’d wake me up with coffee and a speech.

“You’re an idiot, Kiran,” she’d say the moment I opened my eyes.

“Morning to you too,” I said.

“You’re developing a bad habit,” she said.

“What’s your point?” I asked her.

“Uhm let’s see, STD’s, pregnancies, your dick falling off,” she said and I laughed.

“I’m being careful,” I said.

“Sure you are Superstar,” she said with emphasis on my nickname.

“Please don’t call me that,” I said.

“Everybody else does,” she said.

“Yeah but when you say it, it sounds dirty,” I said.

“That’s because it is!” she said loudly.

“Fine, I won’t have a threesome on your bed again,” I said.

“You what?” she yelled at me.

“I’m kidding! Geez, your face, Jess,” I said and laughed.

“I need to sterilize my brain, seriously,” she said.

“I don’t know what else to do, okay,” I said.

“You feel lost now, but you won’t always feel like this,” she said.

“I never thought it would take this long,” I said.

“It’s hard to lose someone you love,” she said.

“I get that but when does that love go away? I can’t keep avoiding her at school forever,” I said.

“Well, screwing around and drinking like the world’s about to end won’t help you get over her either,” she said.

“I can try,” I said as she shook her head and threw a pillow at mine.

She was right though, she usually was and I knew that I couldn’t keep going on like this. At some point I’d have to face all those feelings and just work through them, but that time wasn’t now. I was surprised that my parents hadn’t handed my ass to me and maybe I was even looking forward to it.