CHAPTER FIVE

The bar is packed tightly. I can’t tell if it’s due to its size or due to too many people. But it’s warm enough, almost hot. There’s the smell of liquor and cigarettes and different people in the air. And spicy food.

Luke moves through the crowd, pushing people left and right without a second thought. My ears find Luke’s friends before my eyes lock onto them. The laughter coming from the back corner is loud as hell. They’re crowded around a table littered with empty glasses and used napkins and half-eaten food.

“There he is! There’s my fucking guy!!!” One of them says. “Dude you were a fucking beast today”

There is a slight resemblance between all of them. I can’t tell their jockey, athletic, overly—masculine faces apart.

“Tell that to my fucking face man.” Luke says with a smug smile on his face, rubbing his bruised face.

I stand silently, waiting for Luke to introduce me. But he doesn’t, douchebag that he is.

“Who the fuck is that?” another one on the left asks and all twelve pairs of eyes land on me. Luke tosses his hands over my shoulders, dragging me to his side.

I feel like a toy a little boy is showing to his friends so that they can all play with it.

“This is Caleb! My roommate.” He smirks then adds “Go easy on him boys, he’s a little sensitive.”

A hand shoots out before I can decide how to feel— thickset fingers and coarse skin and a bad haircut. He needs a refund from his barber. His hands grab mine in a handshake that’s too firm. He turns my hand over, feeling it. “Damn. Soft hands! He announces like he’s passing a verdict. “You ever work a day in your life, princess?” He smiles and the falseness of it makes me uneasy.

“Caleb’s pretty” one with a buzz cut says in a tone that suggests he’s not commending me.

“I’m sure he gets all the girls.” Another one with dark curly hair adds and they snicker like little girls that know something every other person doesn’t.

I feel like a freak in a circus. I want to stand up and leave so badly. But, we all have that trace of self sabotage in us. That part of us that doesn’t know what’s good for us, that leads us into making bad decisions. That part is currently winning. So I just sit here.

“Pretty like a girl” another one with a jaw like Johnny bravo coos.

“Look at his hair” the curly haired one quips

“You have hair” I counter

“bet you use some kind of fruity shampoo”

“What does Caleb do for fun?” The one with the bad haircut inquires

Luke sits to my side, with one arm stretched across my chair, looking thoroughly entertained. turning my head to smile at him, “Luke have you been telling your friends about me?”

“You think I run around talking about you?”

“Well, that’s what it looks like”

“Well I have not.” He snipes..

“Tell us Caleb, what do you do for fun? Go shopping? Read some poetry?” Johnny bravo quizzes

“Why? Are you trying to get to know me? What I like, the shampoo I use, what I do for fun. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re trying to woo me. Are you into pretty boys? Wonder what your girlfriend would say”

“You think you’re funny. Is that it?” Johnny bravo sneers, His nostrils flaring in anger.

“You think you are?” I shoot back

“He’s got a mouth on him.” the one with the bad haircut nods his head in my direction. “ I know he talks back a lot”

I turn my attention to him “and I think you’ve got a bad haircut and need a refund from your barber. Maybe new friends too”

The whole table goes quiet. Well I guess I’m not that funny.

“Shut your mouth.” He snaps. Clenching his jaw so hard, causing a vein to pop out on his forehead. His haircut looks even worse now.

Alarm bells are going off in my head, telling me to shut up. But again— self sabotage.

“I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t you?”

“You fucking f—“

“That’s enough Tyler!” Luke cuts in.

“No let him talk. Let’s see what Tyler has to say”

“Caleb. That’s enough”

“Is it? I thought we were all getting to know each other.”

Luke looks around the table. “I think we all know each other to a degree now. Right?” Tyler scoffs.

“Whatever, Luke you said there was food”

The waiter comes over and we order food. I order the same thing Tyler orders just to fuck with him and it works. He looks like he’s about to burst.

*******

“I don’t think I can do this!” Luke is barely hanging on to me, his heavy arm slung around my shoulder. His breath fans against my neck reeking of alcohol. My back starts to protest, so I drop him back onto the chair with a frustrated huff. He slumps there, eyes half-lidded, unfocused. I stare at him with disdain, willing him to sober up but his eyelids are too drunk to function. Fuck him for doing this to me. One minute he was fine and the next minute his words were starting to slur, his laugh got louder, looser, reckless. I should have noticed.

“Not so tough now huh?” Tyler says smugly.

“Ugh! Tyler, fuck off!” I hate this motherfucker. Maybe if I hadn’t been too busy hating him I probably would’ve noticed how many drinks Luke was knocking back.

I can’t believe this is my night's ending. How long can a person last outside their comfort zone? Because I think I just hit my limit.

“I’ll do it” another one with short dark hair offers

“Great!” I quip

“Go on, Tony, help the damsel in distress.”

“That joke’s gotten old” I deadpan. Tyler’s voice irritates the fuck out of me. Like nails dragging over rough wood, nagging at my ears like an itch I can't scratch.

“He’s right, Tyler.” Tony concurs “drop it”

He’s as tall as Luke, but not as built, with long, toned legs like a swimmer’s. He’s strong enough for Luke to hang onto.

After saying his goodbye to his “bros” we leave the bar.

The fresh, chill air cradles my face. The perfect kind of fall chill that isn’t really freezing, but still makes me shove my hands inside the pocket of my hoodie.

The campus is quieter now, the wet leaves stick under my shoes like a limpet, as I walk. The nearly bare, massive oaks and maples that line The Green stand tall and tranquil in the dim shine of the streetlight, except for their last stubborn leaves shivering in the breeze. For a moment—I completely forget about Luke and Tony—it’s just me between the old red brick buildings and towering trees and the sound of my footsteps. That’s until I hear a scuffle behind me. Turning around I find Luke and Tony in an extremely weird position. So weird I avert my eyes real fast. It’s Luke. Luke leaning in for a kiss with Tony. his lips chasing, off–balance and unfocused. And Tony isn’t exactly avoiding the kiss, just staring at him with amusement and something like tenderness. This throws me off completely.

“Hey, Luke, we’re outside.” I hear Tony whisper and I turn around again for good measure. And there they are, locked in some kind of embrace while Tony coos soft words at Luke, and Luke makes soft drunken noises and half–garbled hums against Tony’s shoulder. I stand there, for a second, my brain suffering, trying to process what I’m looking at. The dull shine of the streetlights casts a golden glow over them in conspiracy, highlighting the juxtaposition between Luke’s flushed and dazed expression and Tony’s steady tender gaze. I feel like an intruder, witnessing something far too intimate. I release a shaky breath and continue my walk back to the dorm. I walk faster, my breath visible in the chill.

Back at the dorm I expect Tony to toss Luke on his bed and leave but he doesn’t. Instead he carefully removes Luke’s pants and shoes, leaves a bottle of water by the bedside and makes sure he’s lying properly before he leaves. While i stand there awkwardly, thinking: what the actual fuck?