Closeted Desires

Liam stood still with a wistful expression on his face, his long arms folded across his chest as he watched his father put away the last luggage into the car's trunk, and then he shut it.

“Are you seriously leaving without saying goodbye to Luke?” Megan queried in a frustrated tone. Clearly, she was mad and Liam could see that. “You are the worst you know that, right? You suddenly cut ties with him when he needed you the most and as if that wasn't enough, now you're leaving without saying goodbye?

You're unbelievable!”

Then she angrily spun on her tiny heels and strolled up the porch, slamming the door behind her.

“All done.” Anthony, Liam's father announced, clapping off the dust in his hands. “We're ready to go boy.”

“Aww… my little boy is surely gonna be missed.” Mary, Liam's mom said sadly spreading her arms widely and then embracing her son.

After a while, they disentangled, “If you need anything, we're just a call away, okay?” She reassured him.

Liam nodded, giving his mom a smile. But the smile didn't quite reach his eyes.

His eyes were sad and in turmoil, while his lips were curled up in a smile.

“I will Mom.” He replied, “I'll miss you too.”

“Aww… come here.” Mary hugged him again.

“We're gonna be late Mary! Let the boy go!” Anthony snapped in an exasperated voice.

It's not like the boy was moving out of earth! He'll just be a few hours away!

“Go on son.” Mary encouraged, cupping Liam's face with her hand. “Go make us proud.”

“I will, bye Mom.” He said, then raising his voice a little, he yelled, “Bye Megan! I'm leaving now! Make sure you stay away from boys okay!”

“Shut up!” Megan yelled back from inside the house and Liam couldn't help but chuckle despite his sad state.

“Goddamn it, Liam!” Anthony yelled, “Get your butt down here!”

“Bye Mom,” Liam repeated before strolling down to the car.

“Bye, son!” Mary yelled after him, “Take care, okay?”

Liam nodded, getting in the car and sitting beside his dad who drove off instantly but slowly as the road was a little bumpy.

But Liam couldn't rest, he felt as though he was going to suffocate, not because he was going to live in another state far away from his family as a college student, but because he couldn't bear not saying goodbye to Luke before departing.

He wanted to see his face one last time, even though Luke never wanted to see him again at the moment after what happened.

But he knew he would lose his mind if he didn't.

As the car swerved into the neat road, Liam suddenly opened the car door and jumped out of the car.

“Hey, what the hell?” Anthony yelled in shock at his son's action.

“Sorry, Dad!” Liam yelled back at his father, running down the road, “I'll be back in a moment!”

“Get back here, you little…”

But Liam was already out of hearing sight. He ran with all his strength, his arms flailing to and fro, then reached the junction and turned to the right.

Luke's house was just the fifth one on the left. He jumped over the picket-fenced house and landed in the garden. He ran up the porch and banged on the door.

“Luke!” He yelled, a little breathlessly from the run, “Luke, open up!”

But there was no response, as though someone wasn't even living there.

“Luke!” He made to bang again when the door opened.

“What?” Kelly, Luke's younger sister snapped at him with unhidden hatred, “What the hell are you doing here?!”

“I just want to see Luke please.” He begged desperately.

“Well, Luke doesn't want to see you at the moment! You know that!” Kelly snapped, “You're lucky my parents aren't around. They clearly don't want to see you. Now leave before they get back.”

“I don't care!” Liam retorted defiantly, “I'm not leaving without seeing Luke!”

Rage flickered in Kelly's eyes, “Well, then stay here for all I care!” She roared angrily and then slammed the door in his face.

But Liam wasn't ready on giving up any time soon. He continued to bang at the door and yell for Luke's name till the door suddenly opened.

Liam was relieved to see Luke, the boy he used to love… and still is … standing at the doorway with such a distant expression in his eyes. His eyes were dead, the light that used to be there was now gone.

This… isn't the Luke Liam used to know.

“Luke…” Liam made to speak.

“What the hell do you want Liam?” Luke spoke, his voice as cold as ice and as distant as the emptiness of a vast desert.

Liam blinked in surprise, biting his lips.

“I uh…” He stuttered a bit, suddenly not knowing what to say. “I'm leaving… for college.” He said finally.

“And?” Luke asked in the same cold tone, obviously disinterested.

“And… I uh wanted to… uh… see you before I left.” Liam stammered again.

“Now you've seen me, you can leave,” Luke said in dismissal, making to close the door but Liam put his foot in.

“Luke, please,” Liam begged, his eyes desperate. “I made a mistake. I fucked up and I know it. Can you please… forgive me?”

“Forgive you?” Luke repeated in disbelief, his anger flaring up, “Liam, you left me out there in the cold when I most needed you. You abandoned me! You should have stood up for me when no one else could, Liam! But you didn't! I wasn't in a relationship with myself! You…” He jabbed at Liam's chest, “You were the one who suggested we make out that day, and when we were caught you bailed on me like a coward! You acted as if I was a stranger to you. You threw me to the wolves and now you want me to forgive you? Can you even hear yourself? You're disgusting!”

Liam and Luke used to be best friends. Their mothers were co-workers turned friends at their company and during weekends, either would visit the other along with their kids.

That was where Liam and Luke began to form a friendship. From childhood, their friendship proceeded to middle school and then to high school.

They did everything together and people often mistook them for brothers, twins in fact as their names began with the letter “L”.

But during their early high school year, Luke began to develop feelings for Liam. His feelings for Liam made him discover that he was gay.

But he had to hide them, not only because he didn't want to end or jeopardize their friendship but also because he was aware of the societal discrimination and aversion towards the gay people.

But hiding his feelings wasn't enough. How was he to hide his feelings for someone he saw and spent most of his time with? Every day, his feelings grew and the more they grew, the more scared Luke was.

But unknowingly to Luke, Liam also harboured the same feelings for him and was also struggling with the same thing.

Then one day, when Liam had visited Luke's house as always, they were playing video games inside Luke's room when Luke, unable to resist Liam any longer, suddenly leaned in and kissed him.

He expected Liam to throw punches at him and curse him, but to his surprise, Liam kissed him back.

There and then they both confessed their feelings… and then made out for the first time.

After that day, they got into a secret relationship. No one knew, except Megan and Kelly, Liam's and Luke's sisters, respectively who were also friends. They were the ones who told them, and surprisingly, the two sisters were rooting for them.

But then… one day, they were caught… well, only Luke was.

As the star player on the basketball team, Liam liked to ‘recharge’ by having a quickie with Luke as it would help him focus on the game.

Unknown to them, a passerby caught them and recorded them, but only Luke's face and body were captured in the video because of the camera angle.

But it was as clear as day that he was fucking a guy.

The video was posted on the school's online forum for everyone to see. The video went viral and shame was brought on Luke.

His parents, especially his dad beat him to a pulp after seeing the video. Not only for the fact that his son was caught fucking on camera but also that his son was gay.

If not for his mom's interference, he'd have thrown him out.

The kids at school bullied and tormented him mercilessly as he was the first gay person in school. He was mocked and hated, and his other friends deserted him, but at all this, he expected Liam to be his comforter… but… Liam abandoned him.

He saved himself.

He never defended him. He did absolutely nothing. Whenever he passed and saw Luke being beaten up, he'd turn a blind eye. He kept avoiding Luke like the plague.

Desperate, Luke went over to Liam's house countless times but he wouldn't show up. Liam's parents rebuked him for seeing their son and people on the streets called him a faggot.

It broke Luke.

And he became extremely depressed.

His parents told him they wouldn't sponsor him in college, despite getting an admission and never let him step out on the street.

If the whole world, including his family, turned on him, he hadn't expected Liam to be among them because Liam was his only world.

It made Luke see Liam for who he truly was. He grew a deep aversion for the boy he once loved. He now hated Liam with every inch of his being.

Even the mere sight of him makes Luke sick to the stomach.

Now Liam's back begging for forgiveness? He's insufferable!

Liam ran his tongue through his lips. “Please… what can I do to make up to you?” He asked desperately, staring into Luke's cold eyes.

“What you can do? Go to hell, Liam!” He thundered in great aversion. Tears wanted to flow but Luke blinked them back. He can't believe he was saying this to the boy he once loved. “Go to hell and burn! I hate you, Liam! I hate you so much! I hope you you know that! You want to make it up to me? Drop dead! That's the only way! I never want to see your face ever again! Now get the hell out of my house!”

Then he slammed the door on Liam's face.

Liam stood there like a dummy, Luke's hateful words still ringing in his ears. They stung like a needle pierced through his heart. Tears flowed down uncontrollably as he stared at the door.

He shakily let out a slow deep breath.

“Liam what the hell!” His father, Anthony's voice rang from the road.

Liam quickly wiped his tears and spun around then headed to his dad's car.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” His father yelled angrily as soon as he stepped into the car. “Have you gone out of your damn mind? What were you thinking jumping off the car like that? And I thought we've told you to stay out of that faggot’s house!”

Liam wanted to yell back at his dad and defend Luke… but he couldn't find his voice.

He was so scared.

That was the reason he abandoned Luke. Because he was scared shitless. Terrified of being judged, terrified of being discriminated against, terrified of disappointing his parents.

Luke was right… he is a coward. A miserable one at that.

Luke is right to hate him after all.

His father was still yelling at him as he stomped on the accelerator and sent the car roaring down the streets, but his voice had already faltered away from Liam.

He rolled down the window, letting the fresh air in, and then he faced outside, hiding his face from his dad as tears began to stream down his cheeks again.

He was really going to miss Luke.

But it's all for the best.

He doesn't have the courage to be with him.

“I'm sorry Luke.” He thought inwardly, biting down on his lips, “I'm terribly sorry. Even though we might never meet again, I hope you find it in your heart of hearts to forgive me. I hope you'll find that light again. I don't deserve you. I am indeed a coward.”