Kieran - The Morning After

I think this headache might be the death of me.

Because the only medication is in the kitchen, I make my way down, trying my hardest not to wake up any family members who are still asleep. Though, that is a wasted effort, because it's sunday and everyone has already woken up and gotten to work on lunch preparations.

Luckily for me, though, they’re all outside.

I grab a Tylenol from the cabinet in the kitchen and then fill a glass with water. Laughter behind me scares the crap out of me and I nearly drop the glass. When I turn around, I find Drew sitting at the dining table, having breakfast.

“You’re up late,” he says to me, clearly amused.

“I know. Shush,”

“How was your night?”

“Good,” I tell him.

If I’m honest, I have no idea what yesterday was. Thinking about it is giving me whiplash. I vaguely remember flirting with Luca, which…what the hell, Kieran? After I had food, though, I calmed down enough that I stopped asking suggestive questions and making stupid comments about him taking me out.

“How’d you get home?” Drew asks, dragging me out of my thoughts. “I mean, you’re clearly hung over and you didn’t even change into pajamas,”

“We walked,”

“You walked,”

I nod. “Luca didn’t want to ride his bike with a very drunk Kieran on the back of it, so we walked,”

Well, he walked and I was on his back the entire way back home. He must not have been as drunk as I was. And he managed to carry me two blocks. That is a very strong person.

Is it weird that I’ve only noticed how attractive Luca is in the last few days? I’ve known him for years and only now is it occurring to me how beautiful this boy is. And I don’t think it has anything to do with the fact that I was drunk yesterday.

Oh my god. Yesterday. I almost kissed Luca.

Hanging my head, I curse every obscenity I know in my head.

“Whoa,” Drew laughs. “Where’s your head just go?”

“Nowhere,” I say too quickly.

My cousin narrows his eyes at me. “Speak. Now,”

I rush to the table, taking a seat next to him. “Okay, so I was really drunk yesterday, and some part of me thought it was a good idea to flirt. With Luca,”

“Oh, this is gold,” he says, laughing.

“Shush.” I slap his arm. “Okay, but we almost kissed. And I guess you could say that it was my fault, because I kind of egged him on, but then he pulled away and told me to say everything I was saying when I’m sober,”

“You almost kissed Lucas,”

“Yes, Drew, keep up,”

“You look like you’re going to throw up,” he says with a laugh.

“What the hell was I thinking?” I ask, but he just keeps laughing. “I mean, this is Luca. Luca, Drew. Not some guy I have a crush on, but Luca. I grew up with Luca.” I slap his arm. “Stop laughing,”

“You’re an idiot,” he tells me.

“Yes, I know that, now help me fix it,”

“Fix what?” he asks around a laugh. “The fact that you’re attracted to Lucas now?”

I rise to my feet. “Oh, forget it,”

“You’re an idiot,” he tells me again. “There’s nothing you can do about how you feel,”

I don’t say anything.

He continues, “Have you thought that maybe you have feelings for him too?”

“Are you insane? No,”

“Kieran, there’s nothing wrong with it. You’ve known him nearly your whole life. Honestly, it’d be weird if you didn’t have feelings for him at some point,”

Oh my god. “Drew, for the love of god, shut up,”

“Your acting like you’ve never had feelings for anyone, which we both know isn’t true,”

“Yes, but this is Luca,”

“And if you keep saying his name like it's the strangest thing, you’re only going to make your headache worse,”

I shake my head, taking my water. “You’ve been no help,” I say, heading back to my room.

“You know where to find me when you’ve come to a decision,” he shouts, laughing like an idiot.

Once I'm in my room and away from Drew's idiocy, I try and get my head to stop spinning. Taking a seat at my desk, I take an aspirin and will the hangover to go away.

A few hours later, my family meets out in the yard for our traditional Sunday family lunch. My Nani and Khala Willa have prepared a feast fit for the entire neighborhood, as they always do. Nani likes to prepare in case someone else wants to join.

Drew leans over from his seat. “Have you decided?” he whispers to me as his mother and Nani talk about a boy across the street.

“No,” I whisper back, toying with my food. “Let it go,”

“You're keeping me in suspense here, Kieran. It's not nice,” he says, a smile on his face.

I'm about to respond when Mausa Arna says, “Kieran, you came home late,”

My head turns to her. “Yeah, I'm sorry about that,”

She nods, but the look on her face tells me there's more. There always is with her. “Were you next door all night?”

“No, Lucas and I went to Devon's,”

“Did you enjoy yourself, darling?” Khala asks.

“I did,”

“Perhaps a little too much considering how late you came home,” Mausa remarks. “And I can tell, even from here, that you're hungover,"

I look around the table, noting everyone's discomfort. With a nod, I say, “I am. What does that matter?”

“What does it mattter?” she asks with a bitter laugh. “You haven't even been here ng and you're already getting drunk and staying out all night,”

I drop my fork. “I'm sorry, but weren't you the one who had so much to say about me not hanging out with my friends, and now that I have, you still have a problem?"

Her eyes widen and she blanches. “Kieran, there are rules in this house, and as long as you live here, you will follow them,”

“You don't even live here,” I say, the words falling out of my mouth beforeI can stp them. But, fuck it, they're out now, so why stop? “If the people who live here have a problem, they'll let me know,”

She shakes her head with a scoff. “Your parents gave you too much freedom. It's unbelievable that you would take that tone with an elder. You are nothing like our mother was at our age”

Oh, that's it.

“What's unbelievable is that you would even talk about my parents in any negative way. You shouldn't even dare speak about them. You have no right,”

“Kieran,” Khala says, her tone pleading me to stop.

I shake my head. “Mausa, when was the last time you even spoke to your sister? When was the last time you called to find out how she was doing? You haven't spoken to either of my parents in years, and now that they're gone, you think you know them?”

“Kieran, stop it,” Nani says, her voice firm.

I throw my hands up, a hollow laugh escaping me. “Mausa, if you want to give me hell for being out late, do that. If you want to gossip about me being different, go ahead. But one thing I will not stand for is you using my mother to get to me. You weren't there when she needed you. You weren't there when she and my dad were going through a rough time, or when she was really tired and just wanted to talk. You never answered the phone when she called, and you never visited. So don’t you dare use her to make yourself feel like you're doing something right.”

The words come out fast, harsh. Taking a breath, I push back from the table and rise to my feet. My entire body is shaking, and looking at her face is only making it worse. Before anyone can get a word out, I stomp off toward the house.

She was right in stating that my mother would never speak to an elder that way. But my mother would never have tolerated disrespect either. She never would've told me to be quiet and listen to an elder talk shit about someone she loved with all her heart.

In my bedroom, I try to take steady breaths and calm myself. Of course, it doesn't work. Before I know it, I am on my back on the floor, staring up at the ceiling, my vision blurry from crying.