10: Burning

~ JACOB’S POV

I thought I could handle this—keep her at a distance, punish her if she crossed the line, pretend she was just another Luna. But now that she’s here, it’s nothing like I imagined. She’s nothing like I expected and it’s making me lose my mind.

I strode into my office, forcing myself to focus on work, trying desperately to push Osline out of my mind.

"Alpha Jacob, it’s good to have you back," The Gamma of the pack, Conrad, said.

I glanced at him briefly as I scoffed. Conrad is one of those men who always tries too hard, at some point it’s pissing me off.

"I was only gone for a few hours. Drop it!" I snarled

I took my seat and opened my laptop to check the recent updates. "Did you work on the arrangements?" I asked.

"Yes Alpha, all is set for the next meeting."

"Good. Now leave and tell one of the maids to get me coffee."

He nodded and walked out of the room.

I zoned out at my work trying my best to finish the project I was working on but suddenly I found myself thinking about something… Osline. The way she looked when in that dress. She looked exactly like “her”

And the dress made it seem like it was made just for Osline

For a moment I wasn’t even seeing Osline, I was seeing “her” I thought it was “her” but that couldn’t be possible even if I wanted it to be.

My eyes flashed back to when she screamed, to when I grabbed her hand, the way she begged me, the way she cried. The way she winced in pain.

I shouldn’t have. I should have just stopped and commanded her to take off the dress but in that moment it wasn’t Osline I saw; I saw “her,” and it burned my heart.

As I found myself drawn to the thought of her, I immediately snapped out of it. I shouldn’t be thinking about that. I should only be thinking of ways to torture her more, break her confidence, and finally get what I want from her, not this.

“It is just the start, and I haven’t even shown my worst. I shouldn’t pity her.” I reminded myself.

I knew I have to remind myself so I don’t forget. There is a reason Osline is here and the reason isn’t for her to be at peace.

My thoughts came to a halt when I heard a knock on my door. I told the person to come in, and the maid opened the door holding a tray with a cup of coffee sitting on it.

She quietly walked towards me, and I pointed to the position she was to keep the coffee, but somehow her dumb head spilled on my already hurt arm.

I winced in pain. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I yelled.

She flinched. "I’m sorry Alpha Jacob, I didn’t mean to…"

"Shut up!" I immediately cut her off not wanting to hear any of her ramble. "You just can’t do a simple job, can you? All I asked is that you put the coffee on the table, and you can’t even do that properly."

Suddenly tears started falling down her face. "I’m sorry," She whispered, her voice cracking.

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. I am the one burnt with the piping hot coffee, but somehow she’s the one crying.

"You’re pathetic!" I spat.

"I’m so sorry." She said softly

I scoffed "Oh please, shut up and get out of my office."

She hesitated for a second trying to help me out but then she rushed out of the office crying out loud.

I groaned, "What a bitch."

I just don’t seem to get it. I didn’t even yell at her that much and she’s crying already.

How pathetic is this?

I head to the bathroom to wash the coffee off my arm. As I roll up my sleeve, my eyes catch sight of my burnt skin. It looked so bad and my skin stung—red, raw, blistered.

I sigh, knowing I did this to myself. I can’t help it, even when I tell myself to stop, I just can’t.

It’s like a ritual for me. I hurt her, then I hurt myself. Last night I did the same. It wasn’t her though; it was Osline, but it’s still the same thing.

I had to burn my hand to match the exact pain she’s probably feeling, to punish myself. I know it’s crazy, but like I said, I can’t help it.

After I rinse away the spilled coffee, I open the cupboard and pull out my lighter.

For a moment my stomach drops. I stare at it, heart racing in my ribs.

I flick the flame and press it to my arm. I hold back my scream as it keeps burning me.

This is what happens when I can’t stop thinking about ‘her’ I have to hurt myself until I can stop.

I close my eyes, forcing myself not to think of her, but her face keeps coming back, the way it lights up with joy when she looks at me, the way she smiles, the way she smells… her amazing smile.

I drag my hand closer to the flame and it sears harder. “Stop thinking about her, stop!” I tell myself, but it’s so hard not to.

Suddenly I find myself thinking about Osline and, for some reason, I feel hate toward her. I shouldn’t, but I do. She’s not “her,” but she reminds me of her. I used to think that was the whole point but I don’t even know if it is.

The words Osline said rings in my head and for a moment I felt guilty. She could have chosen not to wear the dress and everything would be fine, but she wore it, and worse, lied that she thought I wanted her to. Why would I ever want that?

Deep inside, maybe I do. But I shouldn’t, and she… she shouldn’t have.

The lighter drops from my hand as I growl, forcing myself to remember that Osline is not her and never will be. So why do I want her to be her?