Soul Mates or Death

Living in a small town was what I always thought my parents dream was. When my dad got a big promotion that would move us to Harbors Landing it became a reality.

"Come on Gemma we've talked about this move for years honey, so why are you so quiete?" My father commented. 

I truly didnt know what to say, as far back as I can remember they have talked about buying a farm in a small town. The news hit me as if my body had been plunged into artic water's, and I could barely gasp for air. I was silently trying to work through the information my dad just gave me. That's when my mother blurted out, "it's gonna be our own little adventure Gem, that starts in a week." She had the fakest smile on her face trying to act like she cared about me, but I had stopped hopping to gain her love long ago.

This was the summer before my Senior year, and the last thing I ever expected was to be uprooted so suddenly. I was truly in shock as they started to give me more details on the move, I silently became overwhelmed. 

I didn't want to hear any more information it was all becoming to real. So I put on my trusty sarcasm mask and yelled, "awesome, can't wait to get out of this hell hole!" I ran up the stairs to get away from them, even though I could hear my father trying to stop me from leaving them. I knew I needed to get away before my anger spurred out of me like daggers that could cut someone to the core.

When I got to my tiny pink bedroom I let out a sigh, I felt my anger start to overwhelm me. But being alone to collect my thoughts helped, and I knew that I didn't want them to know what i really thought about them moving us yet again now. The last couple of years the relationship between my parents and I has become strained. They are really strict, and besides school i wasn't allowed to leave the house which was the reason for most of our arguments.  

I really wanted to scream at them though just how I felt, but instead I just freaked out in my head. Over the years we have moved so frequently it's become the norm, and every time we oved they tried to fulfill whatever dream that they thought would make us happy at that moment. Happiness never came, and as time went on i noticed the resentment my mother had in her eyes when she looked at me only grew. 

As my anger finally subsided from having to pack up and leave within a week, and I could rationally think about the information my parents had given me. We have always lived in the city so when I began to ponder how living in the country might be a welcome change I felt hope creeping in on me.

This move felt different like I was getting closer to something that i couldn't grasp yet, and the feeling wasn't one i had ever felt before. They had always talked about small town living like it was the only thing they really wanted, but they could never make it a reality until now.

A couple of years back when they were talking about this very dream I stupidly asked "then why do we keep moving to cities, why don't we move to a small town next?" I asked mostly because I was puzzled why we relocating to places they never seemed to be happy with from the start. They both looked at me with so much anger that you would of thought I killed their dog. Then my father broke the silence, "don't ever ask questions you don't want to know the answers to." I was so confused by this, what answers wasn't I ready for. Throughout my life it always seemed as though my parents were keeping a secret from me, so besides being confused at his answer it seemed like more of the same.

As time went on I learned to be seen not heard, and I allowed myself the freidnships i yearned for by losing myself in books. Imagining the characters were tangible people that i truly cared for, and this was the only thing that got me through the lonelyness i felt.   

While I was thinking back to that particular moment I vowed to try and be optimistic that maybe this move would be the last. That was always my one and only dream. That we would finally find our place within this world, and finally call somewhere home.

I was always the quite loner that was to shy to make friends, and I had a hard time forming close bonds with people. I thought to myself that maybe it was because city people seem to be brash, and I was to meek for them to deal with. Country living might bring new types of people that would be more accepting of my shy behavior. 

I never really understood why I so stand offish with everyone outside of my family, but the dozens of therapist over the years assured my parents that I wasn't crazy just damaged due to all the moving around over the years. My parents apparently didn't like hearing that my emotional distress was do to their choices to move around to frequently, but my mother refused to believe that any of this was her fault. Insisting that every move was my fault, and that any hardship that we faced was because I was born being who I am. 

When she went on these alcohol fueled rage fests I knew to keep my distance. I was her trigger i wasn't sure why she hated me, but it was never more apparent then when she drank. My father would try to shelter me, but our tiny appartment didn't leave much room for me to hide. Every time she did this it would chip another tiny piece of me away, and I had no one but myself to count on.

I took a lot of time making everyone around me believe that I liked being the loner, but I had a yearning within for something more. In that moment I promised myself that this town would be different no matter what, and I truly had no clue how right I was about it being very different.