Chapter 10: [The Bed Where I Lost My War]

Later that night, after he left, I lay alone in his bed—his scent still clinging to the sheets, to my skin, to the pillow under my cheek. My eyes traced the flickering shadows on the ceiling as the fire burned low in the hearth. The silence of the room felt heavier than it should have, like it was pressing against my chest, forcing my thoughts to spiral. I was supposed to feel triumphant. I was supposed to feel alive. Victorious. After all, I had survived the fever. I had watched the king be silenced. I had watched Xavier—bloodied, bruised, beaten—stand between me and the monster who sired me.

But I didn’t feel victorious.

I felt confused. Hollow. Drenched in something I couldn’t name. Rage? Relief? Guilt? Maybe all of it. Maybe none. My throat still burned. My limbs trembled, but not from fever. No, this was something else. A different fire entirely. The kind that twisted inside my chest whenever he looked at me. The kind that made me hate him, want him, blame him—and then crave the sound of his breath just to quiet the storm in my head.

And the worst part?

I didn’t hate that he stayed.

I hated myself for not hating it.

I turned onto my side, my body sore in places I hadn’t known could ache. My fingers reached for the pillow without thinking—pressing it against my face, breathing in the scent left behind on the linen. Him. Always him. I cursed. Once. Then again. Again. Again—until the words melted into the darkness, until they lost meaning and left me in silence.

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[Xavier’s POV]

The moment I stepped out and shut the door behind me, I slammed my fist into the stone wall of the corridor. Pain exploded through my knuckles, but I welcomed it. I needed it. Needed the sting. Needed the blood. It was real. Solid. Unlike the things he said. Unlike the way his voice had trembled. Unlike the way he had looked at me.....broken, trembling, soft in ways I couldn’t bear to see.

I leaned forward, both hands braced against the cold stone, chest heaving with every breath I dragged in. I could still feel him in my hands. The heat of his skin. The weight of his wrist when I caught it mid-slap. The look in his eyes when I handed him the glass.....hesitation, defiance, and something almost tender, if I dared to believe it.

Fuck.

Why did I care?

Why did I still care?

He accused me. Lied. Humiliated me. I bled because of him. I screamed in silence, under lash after lash, and not once did he stop it. Not once did he speak the truth. Not until now, when everything had already been destroyed. And still—still—my knees would bend before him if he asked _softly_. My hands would kill for him. My soul would burn just to keep him breathing.

He held my coat. Slept in it. Whispered my name like a curse, like a prayer, like something he couldn’t bury no matter how deep he tried.

And me?

I would burn the entire kingdom if it meant keeping that light in his chest alive. Even if it scorched me. Even if it turned me to ash.

I staggered back from the wall, knuckles scraped raw. My chest still heaved. I felt like I was drowning in something invisible—something thicker than blood. I walked to my desk and sat down hard, fingers dragging through my hair. The candle flickered. Shadows danced. But all I saw was him.

He was supposed to be my punishment. My undoing. The crown’s reminder of what I couldn’t have. And yet—here we were. Him lying in my bed. Me standing guard like a fool. And none of it made sense anymore. None of it ever did.

He was poison.

Mine.

And I was the only one allowed to drink him.

Somewhere between the silence, the bruises, and that night in that bed I lost the war… and we had become something monstrous. Something that didn’t need permission to hurt, to burn, to cling. We were each other’s sin. Each other’s wound. And no one else could touch that ruin and survive it.

He’d never say thank you. And I’d never ask for forgiveness.

But tonight?

He drank from my hands.

And in his silence....I heard something that terrified me more than all the war I’ve seen:

Maybe he didn’t want me gone.

Not yet....