There are very rare moments in my life when I have truly felt lucky. I remember the day when I got an envelope with my name on it. It was the first time I received a letter, and that happened to be my scholarship invitation. I was so happy that day. I felt very lucky when I met Liza who helped me to get out of that shag where I used to live after I left home.
I guess it's the third time I truly felt lucky when my phone started ringing.
I excused myself from the dinner table, picked up my phone, and went to my room. Ivan was not bothered by the interruption, but my teacher on the other side of the table narrowed his eyes.
"Rose! Guess what? Max's parents are not returning home for the weekend! We've got the whole house to ourselves! So Max asked me to stay back for the weekend...You know I can't say no to him, and it's my golden opportunity to get closer to him. We've also decided to throw a party, but we are not sure yet. So I was thinking-" Liza just kept on rambling, but I had to stop her.
"Liza! Will you please listen to me? I have something important to tell you!!" But the only answer I got was her squeals and moans.
They had already started their lovemaking session.
"Never mind"
I understood that it's useless to try to contact Liza anytime soon, as I disconnected the phone and sighed quietly when suddenly I heard a soft knock on the door, so I opened it.
I thought it was Ivan, but turns out it wasn't.
"Rose thank you for the dinner, it was very delicious" He put both of his hands on either side of the door frame as if to stop himself from entering my room. "Was it your boyfriend who called you?" He gritted his teeth, and the way he said "Boyfriend" made it sound like a curse.
"N-no. I-I mean, I d-don't have a boyfriend"
There was no reaction at all on his face that made it hard to read him until he replied a monosyllabic answer.
"Good"
My gulp didn't go unnoticed as he smirked, satisfied with the reaction he was receiving. His lips parted to say something but were interrupted by Ivan who slapped a hand on his shoulder and started rambling.
"Rose, I am feeling very exhausted, can you please show me the bedroom? This seems like the longest day ever!" To support his alibi, he yawned.
"Um...yeah, it's on the extreme left, but there is only one guest bedroom, so you'll have to share..." I was not sure how they would react to this, but they didn't have a choice either.
"Okay. I'm calling it a night. Come on, buddy, tuck me to bed." Ivan pulled the not too happy Russian towards the guest room as he looked at me one last time and turned away.
I sighed and closed the door behind me and got ready to go into the deep abyss of sleep.
****
Roza, you don't know how long I've waited for you. I don't mind waiting if I know I'll be waiting for you. You are my turning page, Rosa and I can't believe I've found you. I am never going to let you go, Roza, never...you are mine and only mine.
****
The alarm clock on my bedside table woke me up at seven in the morning. I sat up on my bed and stretched my arms and stifled a yawn. It was a very strange dream that I had, and it didn't even make any sense. I shrugged and swung my legs on the left side of the bed to get off my comfy bubble.
On my way to the bathroom, I noticed something strange. My bedroom door was wide open.
And I was very sure I closed it before I went to sleep.
I am struggling.Sometimes I feel things that are not possible to exist or feel, see things that are not there, hear words that have not been spoken. These hallucinations, these mind riveting moments, make me further believe that something is truly wrong. I am being pushed into an empty space of a puzzle that I just don’t fit into. I am the wrong piece of the picture.This feeling goes on for several days. The interval between the episodes are almost non existent, blended into time by a stubborn finger, tainted in all dark. Perhaps, only when I am asleep, do I feel some kind of peace and solace from this painful heaviness that is wound around my head like a tight band. At times, it worsens as it transforms into an itch inside my head that I can’t reach to satiate.I wonder if my brother felt it too. Or my father and mother. Did all of them feel this way or was it just me that was cursed with such a mind that made living so much harder than it was sup
The club was fully packed. It hasn’t been this crowded in a couple of weeks and even though I am practically still new here, I knew enough to know that it was not normal for the regular customers to suddenly stop coming here. Oh well, none of my business. I was the waitress here with a minimal wage pay and place to sleep which was plenty for me to survive at the moment. And with the scavenged food from the bar and ‘kitchen’ there were nights when I didn’t need to buy any food at all. Maybe one day I would be able to save enough to get out of here as well and get a place of my own. All of it sounded like a ridiculous fantasy in this dark corner of the club, drowned in the booming music and the foggy smoke air as the men and women danced to the music on the dance floor. Some lost too much in the mood to forget that they could be seen while some just straight out started making out with each other, ignoring the random pushes and thrashing as the tight crowd grooved to t
We live in a fantasy world, a world of illusion. The great task in life is to find reality.- Iris Murdoch 13 November, 3:25 am I entered the room and the first thing I saw was red. Red on the carpet, floor, red on the bedsheet and red on the lifeless body lying on the bed. My legs couldn’t hold me up any longer and I collapsed. There on the bed was my friend, my sister, my only spark of hope in this dark world, Liza. This must be a dream…no, this can’t be real. Her wide eyes that stared at the ceiling held sadness, the same familiar look I always saw in my reflection but never so still. Her lips were parted like she was trying to tell me something so desperately but her lifeless heavy body wasn’t responding to her pleas to move. Was she calling for me from the other side? Wake up, wake up. This is just a nightmare. It has to be. Somehow I crawled towards her to her hand through the blinding dizziness
"You are weak, weak and pathetic." She didn't lift her face, hiding behind the curtain of hair. It was her only shield, one so feeble and fragile but perhaps hiding her emotions was of more priority. "You are such a shame and disgrace to our family. Have you ever thought about us? How could you when you are too busy being selfish." Yes indeed, it hurt and the heaviness was too much on these weak shoulders that they couldn't help but crumble down. The urge to call someone for help clenched her heart, but she knew no one in this house would do so. For a seven-year-old, she felt like she was very dumb since she didn't know what she did wrong to earn this punishment. It has been four years now, and she still doesn't know. She was used to the pain that she felt in her bones and muscles. It was a daily routine now. As soon as the hands of the clock paused at eight in the evening every day, she tried to brace herself for what was about to come but it never helped.
Do you know how it feels to be scared every second of time? Too scared to even breathe; afraid that the very breath might cause something unpleasant. Something you don't want to find out. From going outside of the house to living in. It's hard to find a way to lead the life you have had for so long. Even the slightest heave of your chest is protested by the body. So much that you have to stop breathing for a second and those seconds turn into minutes after which the fear really cripples you and strips you bare out in the cold. It's unstoppable and trying is inane. I wasn't tied up or handcuff like all those cliché kidnapping stories. Instead, I had all the freedom that I could exercise in that shotgun seat. I believe that if I tried to escape then I could simply unlock the door and run anywhere away from him but the fact that he would let me go, didn't sit well with me. Nothing actually happens as expected when you are faced with critical situations such as t
Everything was frozen.Time, place, and memories. Even I was one of the victims to such a cold and immobile state, but he was not. I never thought that a simple curve of lips could be so mentally lethal and yet as always I was proved wrong. The huge melody of defeat orchestrated in the still air as he kept on looking at me with his eyes, as green as the demon he himself was. He was waiting for me to make some move, to run or scream at him but only one word made its way out of my lips.