Memories

My sobs finally subsided, and I curled into my parents’ warm, comforting embrace. The three of us sat there for a moment before the acrid smell of the burning pancakes wafted through the large kitchen. The screeching of the fire alarm pierces my ears, and I slap my hands over them.Blinking in shock, I’m pulled from my memories with my hands still clasped over my ears, the sound not a figment of my imagination. No a large raven perches in the tree above me. Its caws ring out through the cool air like the piercing alarm from my memories. The ferocity of the wind through the trees marks the beginning sign of a storm finally showing itself, as the raven lets loose another caw. Its black plumage ruffles as it spreads its wings, preparing to fly. Wings flapping, it leaps from the branch to take flight. I expect the bird to fly off into the sky to find shelter, but its feathers flutter until it perches on top of the carved stone. Its eyes meet mine for a moment, and a sense of ancient all-knowing power washes over me before it takes flight once more, leaving me staring at my parents’ gravestone.

My eyes move over the smooth curling script again, and as though merely looking at it could unlock the memories buried deep inside, I see her clear as day in my mind, her tawny hair the same shade as mine, swinging around her as she twirled. Her voice, light and airy as she sang to an upbeat tune, the way my father’s eyes lit up as soon as she walked in the room, his mate, her light the perfect counterbalance to his dark, their souls melding together for eternity.

I took her away from him though. My actions were the reason for her death, and that is a thought I will never be able to let go of. No matter how many people tried to convince me it isn’t true, I could always see the reality in his eyes, the sharp glint of reproach. And although he said the reason for sending me away was to keep me safe, I knew the truth. He couldn’t stand to look at me any more than I could bear the glimpse of my own reflection in the mirror. I was the reason she got in that car crash, I’m the reason she isn’t here anymore.

Pain slices through my heart like a knife, memories of that night float through my mind. The drunken haze that settled over my sixteen-year-old mind had instantly lifted as the words that changed my life irrevocably echoed through the speaker of my phone. My heart used to be as light as hers, but now—now I’m sure my own darkness could rival my father’s. I couldn’t bring her back for him, but I will find the person responsible for his murder, and they’ll pay with their life.

This is something I can do, this is an adversary I can face head on. I couldn’t kill the fucker that drove drunk and hit my mother’s car head-on as she left to pick me up. No matter how much my wolf craved it, my teeth begged to sink into his neck, ripping his flesh from his bones and watching his life slowly fade from his eyes. No, I couldn’t do that because my father already had that very night. The man had fled the scene of the crime, escaping into the forest, and my father had hunted him down like the swine he was.

My hands close around the smooth surface of the urn once more, my fingers leaving smudges of dirt on its surface. Leaving it as blemished as my own soul. I clutch it to my chest, pulling myself to my feet. Each movement feels as though it takes a lifetime. Leaden limbs pulled down by the weight of my emotions.

From the cliff’s edge, I watch the ocean below, the violent waves crashing against the jagged rocks. The biting wind whips around me, sending the few strands of hair that came loose from my braid blowing across my face. I’m grateful for the small distraction that pulls me from my consuming thoughts. Goosebumps rise on my skin as the cool breeze sweeps over me, the increasing gusts causing my shirt to flap around me, their cloying tendrils slipping beneath my jacket. My gaze moves to the sky that darkens by the second. Large storm clouds roll in, promising an onslaught of rain at any moment.

The menacing storm clouds and tumultuous waves embody my relationship with my father exactly. We were two equal forces that came to a head too many times. It was best for both of us that he sent me to boarding school across the country after my mother died. But realizing it was for the best, and wishing things could have been different, are two separate things. It doesn’t take away the heart-crushing pain that I felt as a teenager, when I lost both of my parents in one night.

I remove the top of the urn and step to the edge, the crumbling rocks at the shift under my weight, sending shards of stones clattering a few hundred feet to meet the crashing water below. Their shapes swallowed up instantly in the ocean depths.

“May you find some peace, father,” I breathe, tipping the urn over and letting the wind blow the ashes out over the ocean. I watch them disappear into the distance. “Say hi to Mom for me,” I whisper, my voice barely audible over the wind howling around me.

An enormous drop of rain lands on my forehead just as the last word leaves my lips, and another follows seconds later. I let the tears roll down my cheeks as the full weight of today hits me—I’m alone.

The tears stream down my face again, mixing with the downpour of rain that releases from the storm clouds, making it impossible to discern the difference between the two. If it weren’t for the sobs racking my chest, no one could even tell that I was crying in the first place.

Resigned, I draw in a ragged breath between trembling lips and take a step back from the cliff’s edge. This was my time to break. I can’t allow any weakness to be sensed by the pack, and now’s the time that I need to funnel all this pain and sorrow into rage and determination. I have a few ideas where to start looking for my father’s killer, and it’s time to put the emotions aside and pull on the mask of the cold-hearted bitch this pack needs to weather this hardship. I’m not the only person mourning my father. Our entire pack looked up to him and will be looking for guidance.

I let those thoughts wash over me and strengthen me for the long journey ahead. The rain soaks into my pants, the drops of water rolling off of the supple black leather of my jacket. As I make my way back to the stone pillar, my steps are stronger and surer than they were before. I’m ready to do what needs to be done.

Placing the lid back on the urn, I lift the plexiglass cover and set it next to the matching urn within. The two golden vessels standing in place of my parents. With a final farewell, I shut the lid, closing this chapter of my life, closing off the feeling of loss threatening to rip my soul to shreds.

There is no room for that, not with who I need to be, who my people need me to be. I stride over to the roadway and glance up and down the path.

There was a reason I asked Ria not to wait for me, one final piece that needed to fit into place. It’s been too long since I shifted into my wolf form. I clutch a hand over my chest. She’s begging to be set free, to release her own sorrow with each stretch and bunching of her muscles as we run through the forest.

Enders pack is a small town, occupied by shifters and some witches, a place i lived for twelve years. We can shift without fear of mortals seeing since the town boundaries are spelled, and the magic doesn’t let them cross the border.

I rarely got to shift into my wolf form, a fact that irritated both of us to no end. But I needed to be there. It was the first place I felt that I blended into the crowd, didn’t stand out as the Alpha’s daughter or the next in line. It was the place I came to terms with my mother’s death and learned to live on my own. But now, I need to shift. I need to let my wolf work through her own grief, to feel the wind and rain through my fur and be one with the earth.

I slip off my denim jacket, folding it and placing it beneath the towering willow tree to be collected later, then pull the rest of my clothes off one piece at a time. With each one, I feel my breaths ease, and the heavy feeling weighing down my chest lifts gradually.

Rain pours over my skin, and I close my eyes and tip my face up to the sky, letting it run down my face and neck. The smell of fresh rain and wet earth hits my nose, and I inhale deeply, loving the smell, so different from the smog and fumes of the city.

Calling on my wolf, I give into the shift, the once familiar sensation washing over me as my body begins to morph. My bones snap and reform, and I pull in a sharp breath at the pressure pulsing in my limbs. My spine cracks, forcing me to bend over and brace myself on my hands and knees as tawny brown fur erupts over my smooth skin. Blades of grass tickle my palms as they change into paws, the soft pads flexing as they relish in the feel of the earth beneath them. My face elongates, my human nose changing into the long snout of my wolf, and my eyes sharpen. I blink as my new eyes take in the surroundings, able to see farther and clearer through the darkening forest.

Tipping my head back up to the sky, I watch the storm clouds move by. My mouth parts, and the cool air hits my elongated canine teeth as an ear-piercing howl bursts from my chest. I let the call ring out through the forest, letting that sound convey the heartache I couldn’t express as a human with words.

Howls sound in the distance, an answer to my call. Their tone communicates their solidarity as we stand together, regardless of pack ties, in the face of death. I feel my wolf’s hum of approval in my chest letting the ashes go and letting my tears stream down my face helped me express my pain this is her way of coping, of freeing herself from the despair that clouded her mind.

My limbs itch to expel the energy humming within me. I glance back at the pillar, sending one final goodbye, and one final promise to kill whoever murdered my father. With that, I leap into action, launching myself down the worn forest path.

My muscles bunch and release with ease, my movements practiced and sure as I maneuver around the trees, staying far enough from the road to remain unseen. The wind ruffles my fur, the rain not coming down as hard through the thick brush of trees above.

I pick up my pace and veer off the path. My lithe form darts between the trees as though I have them mapped out exactly. With my keen eyesight I’m able to make out their shapes before I approach them. My strong muscles flex as I maneuver through it all, my chest lightening with enjoyment. A test of my skill as I whiz through the undergrowth. Still, I push harder, reveling in the rush of adrenaline that pumps through my veins.

I let go, let go of the pain, the loneliness, the stress, and everything that had weighed so heavily on my human shoulders. I am one with my wolf for the first time in I’m not sure how long. Renewed, I breathe deeply, taking in the multitude of scents that surround me. The fresh pine needles recently fallen from the trees crunch under the pads of my feet as I clear the storm. The ominous black clouds haven’t reached this far inland yet.

The trees begin to thin and black wrought-iron gates come into focus, and with it, the weight of my responsibilities comes rushing back. My footsteps slow as I approach, wishing I could turn around and hightail it back to the forest to spend a few more hours running as my wolf, and forget the mountain of troubles that await me just past those iron gates. A beam of sunlight flashes through the incoming clouds, the ray illuminating the gold ‘D’ emboldened on the front. The light glinting off the gold-plated letter makes it seem as though the house just past it is my salvation rather than the leaden weight pulling me to the bottom of the ocean.

I tune out the protests of my wolf as I force the shift. Despite her disapproval, I know I need to get back to reality rather than basking in the freedom of the forest, letting the power of the earth sink into my bones.