Chapter 4

----FLASHBACK----

I'm here, lying on the ground in this dark night. Naghahanap ako ng kalaro pero bakit parang ayaw nila sa akin? Hindi naman ako nang-aaway para layuan nila ako, lahat na lang ba talaga ayaw sa akin?

Halos mapatalon ako sa gulat nang may maramdaman na humawak sa'kin mula sa likod pero bago pa man ako makalingon ay may pina-amoy na siya sa'kin na kung ano na dahilan ng pagkahimatay ko.

~

"Manahimik ka nga!" Sigaw ng lalaki sa mula sa likuran ko at nagsimula nang paluin ako ng sinturon. I was just asking for him to let me play even just for a minute, was that a bad thing?

Isang buwan na ng mapunta ako rito pero hindi pa rin sila tumitigil sa pananakit sa akin. Ni minsan hindi ko sila sinaway dahil natatakot ako na mamatay. I will still find my parents, right?

"Ouch, please have mercy on me. I'll be a good girl I promise." I started crying when I felt the pain and my back was slowly getting numb.

Pain, so much pain... Huhuhu m-mommyyy I just want to play, hindi ko naman gusto ng laruan, gusto ko lang naman maglaro... Bawal na po ba? Masakit na kasi... Parang hindi ko na kaya.

Should I stop wanting to play then? 'diba dapat naglalaro ang mga bata? Pero bakit ako hindi? Bakit pagdating sa'kin bawal?

The bad guy started hitting me again but it stopped, so I felt relieved, but I just lost my consciousness when I felt myself being electrocuted.

~

I woke up seeing darkness again. Labing limang taon na na ako pero nakakatawa na hanggang ngayon ay nandito pa rin ako at naghihirap, nakakalungkot na sobrang hirap maabot ng pangarap ko na kahit mabuhay man lang ay masaya na ako.

Nakikita ko kung gaano ako kaputla at kapayat. Kahit ako naaawa na sa sarili ko pero ano pa nga ba ang magagawa ko?

My whole body was numb, it feels like I can't feel pain anymore. Pero umiiyak pa rin ako, hindi ko dahil sa masakit pero dahil pagod na pagod na akong mabuhay sa napaka-unfair na mundo.

It's already eight years since I've been stuck here doing nothing but to cry, nawawalan na ako nang pag-asang mabuhay pero  nakakatawa na hindi ko pa rin kayang patayin ang sarili ko matapos ang lahat nang nangyari, kasi kahit pagod na ako ay gusto ko pa rin na maranasan ang mabuhay at maging masaya.

But as expected, everything that I want to have won't be mine, kahit na ang kalayaan ko. Bakit ba ang tanga ko at nagawa ko pa na umasa na magiging maayos pa ang lahat? Ni hindi ko na nga alam kung ano ang kahulugan nang kasiyahan. 

Is there even an emotion called happiness or it has already vanished years ago? Kasi kung meron, bakit naka-stuck pa rin ako sa pesteng buhay na 'to? May makapagsasabi ba sa akin kung saan ko 'yon mahahanap? Baka kasi meron pa namang available pero hindi lang madala sa'kin. 

Hell, I wanna go to school so bad. I wanna experience having a circle of friends who will stay with me no matter what and a family that'll always welcome me with open arms in our home. But that seemed so impossible.

Are you wondering where my kidnappers are? They're still here, old enough for them to stay in the bed. Namatay na nga ang iba sa kanila pero parang pati sa hukay ay gusto nila akong isama.

I locked my eyes in the doorway when an old man in his fifties entered. I heard he's sick, lung cancer. Siguro pinaglalaruan na rin sila ng sarili nilang karma, mamamatay na rin siya, alam ko iyon, pero pano ba ako makaka-alis dito kahit na patay na sila kung naka-kadena ako? 

Sinimulan niyang buksan ang lock ng kadena sa braso ko. What is he planning? Is he going to chain me in a tree in a middle of the rain with a lightning again? No please... No... Ayoko na... Pagod na pagod na ako... para niyo nang awa...

"Umalis ka na at wag ka nang babalik pa, ayoko nang makita ka bago pa ako mamatay," sambit niya bago ipikit ang mga mata na tila ayaw na akong makita. Tinitigan ko siya bago ako tumakbo. Wala na akong paki-alam kahit na magkanda-sugat-sugat ang buo kong katawan.

He's letting me go just now, when I already missed half of my life, funny isn't it? I mean why now? Pero tapos na... Natapos na ang lahat, jusko...

Pinunas ko ang mga luha sa mga mata ko, I don't want another hindrance from being free. I've had enough.

Nagsimula na akong tumakbo papasok sa kagubatan, tinatahak ang daan na sa tingin ko ay magiging tahanan ko.

And then I found this village, a silent place where I think will accept me and help me fix myself.

----End of Flashback----

My tears started to make its way as memories started to flash back in my mind. It's been so tough for me back then.

Sobra na ang pinagdaanan ko pero nandito na naman ako, tumatakbo sa sakit na pwedeng mangyari, running from what destiny chose to what I should become.

Selfish and coward, that's you Aze. 

The cold breeze of the air added to the heavy pain in my chest. It's like the wind was hugging me and trying to comfort me on its own way.

I smiled bitterly, even the wind failed to comfort me. How can people tell me to forget about everything without them knowing how it hurts? Without them knowing where my pieces are.

They told me to cope up with what I missed, what if childhood was what I missed? Should I play like a child then? Should I cry when I didn't get a lollipop? Hell no! Because that's the memory that I won't have no matter what I do.

I'll always end up laughing my pain up, and cover my aching heart with a smile. I'm a great pretender though it's always hard for me to pretend happy when I'm alone. 

Tingnan niyo ako ngayon, sobrang miserable at sirang-sira na. Sana nakontento sila sa bawat patak ng luha mula sa mga mata ko at sa mga sakit na binigay nila.

I started humming a song to suppress my sob.  Ayokong may ibang makarinig sa'kin na umiiyak, malalaman lang nila kung gaano talaga ako kahina. 

I just cried my heart out till my eyes hurts, I can't go out today. He shouldn't know that I've been crying because I'm afraid that he can use my weakness into his advantages.

Alam ko na masama na husgahan ko na siya kaagad pero ayoko na... Pagod na ako na maparusahan ng tadhana sa kasalanan na hindi ko naman ginawa.

I don't think the world has a reason for my misery, because if it has, bakit nandito pa rin ako at nakikipaglaban para sa buhay ko?

Fuck this life! Bakit ba sobrang unfair ng buhay? Bakit parang sa akin na ibinuhos lahat?

Gusto kong sumigaw para maibsan ang nararamdaman ko pero hindi ko magawa dahil pati na ang sarili kong boses ay tinakasan ako.

I'm already starving, but my heartaches are loud enough for me not hear my empty stomach.

Should I need another pain to help myself forget? Because that's fucking insane! I'm not risking myself again, not again! 

Choices, the world is giving me choices that'll only end up to one thing, pain.