ONLY ONE WOLF

Elaris’s POV

Neryss opened the door the second he knocked.

He was standing just outside, unescorted.

No palace guards.

No councilmen.

The same horse and nothing more.

His presence shouldn’t have been possible.

A knock against the door that Neryss opened instantly.

I should have been annoyed that Averic would ignore my boundary the second it appeared.

But the sensation wasn’t annoyance. Or doubt. Or even desire.

It was the immediate focus on me, rather than the room, the house, the fire and the view outside.

I was still seated on the edge of the cot.

One hand curled around the wood, the other pressing against my stomach.

Probably redden cheeks, dark, shadowed eyes.

Averic didn’t comment on the house, or the second time he was in this room.

He looked over my shoulder at me as if I might disappear if he stood where he was.

Neryss moved aside.

Averic came in.

For the second time, I had no strength to refuse right then and there.

He halted several paces from me.

“How long?”

I could read the intent in his eyes but chose not to answer right away.

“The symptoms?” he clarified.

“They began after you left the house.”

“Before?”

I hesitated then realized how transparent I was being. “They were there, just not as strongly as they are now.

“How often do you begin to feel weaker?

“More frequently.”

“Dizziness?

“Yes.”

“Trouble breathing

“Sometimes.”

“Fainting?

“Not yet.

His smile was less certain, less dangerous.

I didn’t add that I’d felt as if I might fall to the floor yesterday, right here. He already understood that he could kill me the second I collapsed again.

Averic studied the mug on the floor by my side. “Have you eaten?”

“Yes.”

“Sufficiently?”

“I am not a child.”

“I didn’t say you were.””

He was already moving to the medical case.

“You’ve been taking the supplies.”

“Some of them.”

“The tonic?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“I do not think it would have been appropriate given the condition of my body.

Averic nodded as if I’d said exactly what he wanted to hear.

Then, without warning, he turned to Neryss.

The healer’s brows rose slightly in response. “You were here.

“Yes. ”

My silent permission.

Neryss told him exactly what she’d said before.

The exception was not the fatigue and near collapse but that the healers had discovered damage that should have been repaired years ago which Elaris’s body was now struggling to repair. The combined strain of the pregnancy and the effort was exhausting what remained of her essence.

When Neryss came to the end of her explanation, she paused to speak in careful, deliberate whispers. “The healers said that ordinary treatment would not be sufficient to restore her balance and that she would need a significant amount of compatible essence to survive this. ”

Averic’s fingers brushed the table. “How significant?

The healer shook her head. “There was no measurement.”

“Why not?”

“Because she said that normal treatment would not override the damage, only repair it, and there was not enough essence in all of Elaris’s remaining strength to make a difference.

Neryss exhaled. “She said that there was only one wolf in this territory with the essential and compatible strength to repair the damage.”

Averic turned fully to face me. “Then it will be mine.”

It was the wrong thing to say. Too easily accepted as a solution without a fight.

I couldn’t believe it was true in the instant he said it. “You—Averic, you haven’t even asked if it is what I want.”

“I understand.” And I had already decided.

Averic said nothing else but he did not seem surprised in the least when I continued where I was.

“You need to know that I have seen it happen before,” I insisted, pushing forward. “I know what happens to the one giving.”

I met his gaze, my stomach twisting. “I will not take that from you.

Averic said nothing, his expression unreadable as usual.

“Your essence is compatible,” I reminded him, unable to keep the edge from my voice.

“That isn’t the only concern.”

“It is not?”

“No.

Averic stepped towards the table but stopped two and a half strides away. “No,” I repeated, too furious rather than frightened to keep talking. “Because I do not want to be the cause of your losing yourself.

He didn’t move or answer for a long moment. “You are carrying my child.”

I turned away. “That hardly warrants you taking my life.

“It isn’t the only consideration,”

he said softly.

It wasn’t enough.

I turned back to meet his gaze. “Your essence is deteriorating, and I won’t be the reason you suffer the same slow destruction that has affected everyone else.

“Do you really think so little of me?”

“Averic,

he isn’t suffering. I am going to be so angry if you die.”

Averic took a slow breath then replied,“And now I will never be anything to you at all.”

“No.”

I shook my head, the word escaping before I could stop it.

He waited a moment but said nothing.

“I won’t be the reason you lose yourself,” I told him.

“You won’t lose yourself because of me.

“You haven’t heard what I have to say.

Averic turned away as if considering another option entirely before returning, his gaze locked on mine. “I should be the one to lose everything to save my child and not you.”

I inhaled sharply and nearly laughed because it wasn’t completely unreasonable despite the fact that he was trying not to sound angry. “This isn€™t your decision.”

The weight of the words hit me immediately.

Averic shook his head. “It is mine alone.”

Actually, it was the only choice I had ever considered because I couldn’t risk my survival for his benefit but at the same time I could see the fear beginning to surface in him again. He’d been through this before and more than once, if I wasn’t mistaken, and now he was making some version of the same decision again no matter what.

I wasn’t the easiest person to live with in the best of circumstances but that was because I made my decisions without hesitation. If something was worth doing, I did it and finished as quickly as I could in order to get on with my life. But this wasn’t something I could decide. This was Averic’s choice.

“You think you know these things,” I said quietly,“but you are wrong.

The hesitation was painful. Perhaps Averic knew that I would refuse outright if I answered him honestly.

“Yes, I do know.”

I took a steadying breath and moved myself up beside the cot so that I wasn’t swaying with the movement of breath. Neryss, of course, would be disappointed.

“The councils will—

You would rather die.” Averic didn’t move as though expecting me to rise to the accusation, my body aching with the movement. “No.

“If I die, they will make you reconsider.”

“If I lose my wolf, they will try to succeed me. ”

Averic met my gaze. “I understand that you wouldn’t ask it if you knew all the reasons, Elaris. ”

That was probably the most reasonable thing he had said all evening, but that meant he was also making the worst decision based on incomplete information.

I stared at him for a long moment rather stunned that he was so sure but then again this wasn€™t the first time I’d seen it. “I can’t decide what is best for us, especially since you still think my existence interferes somehow.

Averic took another pace closer and stopped again, as if trying to make the distance between us impossible. “No,”I said slowly, taking in each word as if I might understand if I considered it carefully enough.. “Because you do not believe that losing yourself has a consequence.”

Averic didn’t try to deny it.

“This”,I continued,“isn’t really about me.

It isn€™t really about me at all, is it? ”His jaw tensed in quiet reply. “You think that if I die first, you will never have to see yourself like this.”

I forced my thoughts into order. “If I die, you don’t lose me.” That was true in a strange way that had nothing to do with the emotions swirling unnecessarily inside me. “But if you die because of me, you will forget about it and pretend I never existed, like you did with the others.

You always pretend, Averic, because it is easier that way. ”

Averic said nothing but his gaze remained locked on mine.

“You don’t owe me your life because of what you have done.”

He didn’t reply.

“But you don’t deserve to live because of what you have done.

I took a deep breath.

“You are right, Averic, I should make my choices without regards for anything but that is what you always seem to forget. You live because it is expected of you not because it is right.” His expression hadn€t changed.

I exhaled impatiently. “Then what are you?”

Averic was beginning to frustrate me immensely. “If you think this is an easy choice, you are wrong.”

Once more, he said nothing.

I turned back to the center of the room. “It is simple,”

he assured me.

I didn€t believe him.“It is obvious.

Averic, you are dying and I am dying and the sooner you admit it to yourself, the sooner you can make another choice and not waste any more time.

Actually, I was already choosing.

It was becoming more difficult all the time.

Averic looked at me with quiet amusement.

“You have never been a good liar. ”

“This isn’t a lie,”I replied.

He studied me carefully. “It is a choice. You cannot survive this without the donation from your essence, no more, no less. ”

I knew in my heart that it wasn€™t as simple as that but for the sake of my peace of mind alone, I wished it were. If it had been enough to decide his future, I would have chosen a thousand times to live, though it would not have really been a choice at all considering the circumstances. “I will never choose to survive at another’s expense. ”

Averic nodded slowly and, though it probably shouldn€™t have mattered, I felt relieved. “It isn€™t fair,”I admitted.

His grip on the table tightened.“It never was.

It’s not as if life always has to be this way.

It was unfair when I was younger.

It wasn’t fair when I was older and I thought I understood it more completely.. It hasn’t been fair since the day I was cursed.” He lifted my chin gently. “I don’t live at your expense, Elaris. ”

I swallowed hard and nodded absently. “I know.”

For no reason at all I hated myself deeply for that and all because Averic seemed almost relieved I hadn€™t lied to him. “It is fair,”he whispered,“and that’s all I want you to understand.

You do not need me to choose for you.

Even though it isn€™t, I could already decide for you and have no regrets.

Averic’s hands curved around the table as if holding me in place there.

“It is my choice then,”he said softly.

I swallowed my fear as I looked up at him.

Averic turned back to the door. “Neryss, I want you to keep the fire burning.”

The woman nodded. “And you insist that she remain hydrated at all times.

I agreed, though I felt strangely reluctant to do so.

“If she becomes unconscious, call for a healer immediately. ” Neryss studied me carefully. I didn´t disagree. Elaris could leave it to Neryss to take care of that part of the responsibility because she had enough common sense not to attempt anything rash. “If I return before nightfall, I will bring the healer with me.” My stomach roiled with mixed emotions I couldn€t separate from one another. “The healer can go with you if you think it is—

If I should return at all, I need a complete diagnosis regarding whatever affliction—condition”

I corrected myself and turned to face Averic,“she is suffering from.” Without another word, he exited the house and disappeared from view around the corner of the property. Neryss watched until he was gone then turned back to me. “You left.

It wasn’t exactly a choice.

“No,”

he said. “He did not ask if you would go, either.

I shook my head sadly but said nothing.

Neryss looked at me again.

“He didn’t ask your forgiveness,”

I murmured.

She studied me carefully. “No. ”

Averic returned and the horse’s hooves pounded against the ground in regular intervals as he rode closer to the small cluster of buildings before slowing to a stop by the steps leading up to the cottage door.

Neryss opened the door without hesitation and the second Averic was inside, she closed it again.

I could hear the hooves on the dirt as the horse and rider rode away into the distance.

Neryss watched him vanish around the bend in the road before turning back toward the house. “You should try to rest,”she advised. “He probably won’t return tonight.” I forced a wry smile. “The council has been very patient with me

. “Your survival comes first.”

I shook my head.

No, the choice wasn€t nearly as simple as Averic believed but now there wasn€t going to be one at all because I lacked the ability to make any decision regarding my health.

“It seems to me that you don€t understand how I have chosen to deal with this.” I paused long enough to glance once more out the window.

Outside the house, the sky had already begun to grow dark.

Averic was returning later than he would have liked but soon enough the horse would appear around the bend and I would know without a doubt whether I had made the right decision or not.