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47TH HEARTBEAT
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The Badboy's Heartbeat 48TH HEARTBEAT
JORDI ADKINSWaking up this morning was everything like having a feel good cold shower in the middle of the hot summer. This was definitely a different day for me because I just woke up fifteen minutes early before my alarm clock. That only happens seldom in my life and it’s either I just had a really horrible nightmare that I was scared to go back to sleep or that I’m feeling much excited over something else. It’s pretty much the latter for me.I laid idly on my bed for a couple of minutes and in that moment, I was thinking of texting Xavier. I already missed him the second that I got home yesterday and now, that same longing still persists. It’s almost as if it was a symptom for an illness. However, I know I shouldn’t feel this much excitement when this should just be a normal day. I’ve known better which meant I don’t want to raise my expectations way too high because the fall might be harder.After taking my morning shower, I ended up choosing to be extra stylish today. I only nor
The Badboy's Heartbeat 49TH HEARTBEAT
JORDI ADKINSDo I want to put a label on it?Jane’s words kept on bouncing just like a Ping-Pong ball inside my head. I couldn’t even bring myself to focus during class because I have been thinking of labeling Xavier as my boyfriend. It doesn’t feel like a dream per se and I’m only saying that mainly because I have never dreamt of being with someone like Xavier. I’ve been dreaming of being with someone like Zach before. Someone who’s hot like a summer evening, someone who’s smarter than most people, someone who had a kind heart. Basically a perfect guy but I would’ve never ever imagined myself dating a guy who’s truly fucked up. And yet here I am right now in this position.Xavier was just my bully, however, things just happened the way they did. It was unimaginably unexpected in the most bizarre way. I almost had a one-night stand with him and then now, I’m falling for him.“What’s with people and labels anyway?” I mumbled under my breath. I thought I was only talking to myself when
The Badboy's Heartbeat 50TH HEARTBEAT
JORDI ADKINS“What the... Hey, Zach, what are you doing here?” I inched my way approaching Zach who’s sitting at our front porch. I don’t have any other option but to put on my congenial mask purposely making the air feel less awkward. Xavier followed behind me and I couldn’t quite tell if he’s feeling an itch of jealousy or not. He wasn’t talking but I could feel it in my bones that there’s something off.“Oh, hey. Y-you’re with Xavier.” Zach got up. I think I might have heard his voice crack up there and it did nothing but make me feel like I want to just disappear in this moment.“Y-yeah. We just uhh...” In my head, I was thinking of a lie but I wasn’t able to think of anything in the moment. “He uhm... walked me home.” I ended up uttering the blatant truth. There’s no point in lying, plus, I really want to prevent complicating things.I instantly saw the sadness that flickered right through Zach’s eyes. “Oh, I see. That’s why I... You know what, never mind. I’m just going to head
The Badboy's Heartbeat 51ST HEARTBEAT
XAVIER ROCKWELLQuietly tapping on Jordi’s computer, I suddenly had the urge to stand up and fix my package. I just had a hard on that’s way beyond my control and I’m embarrassed that Jordi might notice it when he returns. I quickly slid it off to the side and then sat back.I don’t want to admit it but I’m getting really transfixed by this gorgeous creature that’s Jordi. It was just a simple touch but there’s no denying the magic that it had cast upon me. When he traced the veins in my hand, I really felt a jolt of electricity run a full course through my body. The feral predator inside of me had its fangs and claws out and I just want to slam this angel onto the bed and take him. I want him in my skin so freaking bad but I just had to keep my hands to myself. Maybe for now and maybe for the next few hours, although I don’t know if I could take it. He told me that I could stay for the night and just by thinking about the things that I want to do with him, of the things that I want to
The Badboy's Heartbeat 52ND HEARTBEAT
XAVIER ROCKWELL“I’m really sorry, Mrs. Adkins.” Gritting in distress, I sat sheepishly at the backseat of the car as Mrs. Adkins drove going towards the hospital. I was feeling rather chilly but I know I just had to suck it all in. I eventually saw Jordi’s worried reaction and I felt really sick to my stomach. I would’ve never expected Jordi and his mom to follow me and if they haven’t followed me, I’m probably still be bleeding under the torrential rain which was fine for me. I’m already used to dealing with my all of shit alone and I should be fine even without them. Although, this time, things felt much rather different and I don’t exactly know how to feel and react except that I was embarrassed.“You were punching that wall.” Jordi spat gently checking out my knuckles still covered in blood. “Mom, do you have some napkins?”“Here you go sweetie.” Mrs. Adkins quickly handed a box of Kleenex to which Jordi grabbed. “Just clean the dripping blood.”I was very much speechless just as
The Badboy's Heartbeat 53RD HEARTBEAT
XAVIER ROCKWELLOpening my eyes and setting my sight on the person that I enjoy cuddling with made complete sense with my fantasy. This is way too good to be true but the universe hasn’t been that good to me so I know I deserve it. For years and years, I’ve been hoping for someone who would love me for whatever I am, regardless if I was a total asshole and here he is, still in deep slumber right beside me.I stared at Jordi’s serene face and thought, maybe the universe has some other plans for me. I used to bully this guy just for being openly proud of himself not fully realizing the underlying truth that I was actually attracted to him. I have suppressed that part of me because I just thought it wasn’t real, that I can’t be attracted to men. I just realized it now that there have been some occasions in my life where I was truly attracted to boys.The first time it happened was when I was nine, my mom took me to the mall for her weekly dose of shopping. I would very much say that she’
The Badboy's Heartbeat 54TH HEARTBEAT
XAVIER ROCKWELLIf the universe will give me the chance to change one thing in my life, I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to think of anything to change. One, I have so many unwanted stuff that I would want to change. And two; I personally think that I’m already used to how life has been fucking me over and over that I’m basically not able to let go of every single emotion that’s pent up inside of me. But if I would rephrase the question, it would be a different thing. If there’s one thing that I won’t change with my current life, that would be my father. I was hoping that he would stay out of my life. He has already ruined everything for me and now he’s trying to wiggle his way back when I personally said I don’t want anything to do with him. Better yet, I would certainly change the fact that he’s my father.I’m going to be honest with myself, I did not feel any single strike of relief when Coach Millstone revealed to me that my dad called the school to pay for my shit. I felt rather p
The Badboy's Heartbeat 55TH HEARTBEAT
JORDI ADKINSI sat on my usual chair during sex ed. and for the most part, Xavier and I kept on exchanging stolen glances between each other. It’s as if we were both secretly in love and we just don’t want to admit it. That’s crazy to think of but that’s how things are basically rolling off right now. It was pretty much difficult to be in the same room as the person you love but you can’t even express how you feel about that person. But what can I do? This is what I agreed to and while it’s restricting, I’m still glad to have Xavier in my life.How would I describe this pulsating feeling? I was initially against the idea but when I finally understood Xavier, I finally realized it’s pretty hard to be so out and proud while the other one’s still pretty much hiding in the closet. It’s like a classic story of homosexuals falling in love while the world is completely against their entire existence. No matter how far the community has progressed in the recent decade, still, it isn’t enough
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