My fingers would break off if I wrung them anymore, but I couldn’t help it. I’d made the right choice to wear a simple satin dress because I was sweating from all the nerves in the cool breeze under my black shawl. It was navy blue and fell just below my knees, which went well with the golden hoops. I wore the heels from earlier and had made sure to bring Holly with me. Mom’s poodle, Cotton, got along well with her. She barked impatiently and I finally rung the bell.
I hadn’t seen her in weeks, and it had been so peaceful without her. Seeing her tonight would mean opening the door I’d fought to lock on her. I left the mail slot open for her, but that was as far as I was willing to allow any communication to come through.
A full minute passed, and she hadn’t answered. Hoping with all my heart that she’d forgotten about me, I turned around to leave. I could tell her I rang but she never answered, and my phone was dead so I couldn’t even call. It would be a good enough excuse, and if she yelled, I’d hang up on her. Easy-peasy. She couldn’t control me anymore, and she wouldn’t have the energy to drive an hour and a half to my place to face me.
Knowing her, she would convince me to spend the night. I deliberately hadn’t packed a bag, so there was no way she could make me even if she did open the do—
“Lilian!”
“It’s Lilith, Mom…” I grunted and turned to face her. The distaste on my face must’ve been evident because her smile immediately slipped, and the familiar narcissistic scowl of disapproval crossed her countenance for a second.
“I gave you your name.” She seethed, her voice dropping an entire octave. “Do not defy me.”
“Maria, is she here?” another woman called excitedly from behind her. Mom’s facial features lifted immediately, and she looked like a whole new person.
“Yes, this is Lilian.” She grabbed my arm and pulled me inside. I stumbled on my heels but pulled myself together. As unfair as it was, I always felt so small around her even after all these years of being independent.
“Hi.” I held my hand out to the petite blonde woman before me. She took it and gave it a gentle shake, which surprised me. She had an air about her that was calming. Her eyes were kind and bright, and she appeared older than my mom, but she seemed so much younger in her voice and demeanor.
“You really are as lovely as your mother described,” she commented. “We thought you would be late, and we’ve just finished setting the table.”
“ It was a long drive,” I said apologetically. “Please, let’s eat. I’m starving.”
We soon found ourselves at the dinner table where her husband greeted me: a tall man that smiled constantly and had a balding head. The woman’s son was nowhere to be seen yet. I glanced at mom. She looked younger since the last time I saw her. Must’ve been the spa treatments I had started booking her into every week. She’d tinted her hair, and her hazel eyes were bright. I’d inherited them, sadly. Her voice was light and cheery, nothing like the voice I’d grown up with. She was being so nice, and I felt so…confused. She did this every time we had company. It wasn’t new but caught me off guard every time. It always shocked me how easily she switched faces.
“Maria and I didn’t get to talk much since we only met on the last day of the cruise, and we had to finish packing and disembark,” the woman explained.
I still hadn’t caught her name. Had Mom told me? I couldn’t remember, which was funny considering how strong my memory usually was. I listened to her cheerful voice rather absently.
“Mom makes friends very easily.” I chuckled through my teeth. I wasn’t lying, Mom had such a charismatic façade that most people couldn’t look past to see her true personality.
“So, tell us about yourself.”
“She’s a matchmaker.” Mom interjected before I could say anything. “She works for billionaires and is paid very well.”
“Mom.” I sighed, pushing down the scathing hiss crawling up my throat.
“She’s the best one in New York, Barbara,” she continued, and I poured myself a glass of cold water to cool me down and keep my mouth occupied. I knew I would snap otherwise. “People come running to her when they finally stop whoring around.” She laughed.
I stared at her absolutely horrified. I knew my grandparents were very conservative but that wasn’t something she should just say out loud. The guests laughed politely but I could see they were uncomfortable.
“Ah, Marcus, we’ve been waiting for you,” Mom said as a man walked into the dining room and I flinched, almost jumped out of my seat in fear actually. I soon realized she had said Marcus and not Mark, and I coughed uncomfortably. Everyone stared at me in concern, while Mom gave me a scornful glare.
“Holly brushed against my leg…I think.” I chuckled. “I didn’t know she was there.”
Right on cue, as if the world were out to embarrass me, Holly and Poodle started barking at each other in the living room.
“Hey, you’re Lilian, right?” The man swooped into the rescue, and I looked at him gratefully as he sat next to me. My mouth automatically opened to correct him, but I remembered Mom was still there, and I would need to try and keep the peace as best as I could at the table.
“Yes.” I smiled as naturally as I could. His eyes smiled back at me. Marcus was a good-looking guy, fair skinned with wavy brown hair, smartly dressed, and maybe three inches taller than I was.
“We can start dinner now,” Mom announced. “Please, help yourselves!”
Marcus and I made polite talk while Mom talked to his parents. It was as easy as slipping on a dress and imagining I was a character like Audrey Hepburn.
“Mom said you were a surgeon.” I set my drink on the table.
“A cosmetic surgeon. Also, a dermatologist,” he replied coolly. My face almost fell, and I knew exactly what was going on.
“Maybe you could fix her nose, Marcus,” Mom joked. “Hers is quite crooked, isn’t it?”
Marcus appeared stunned and his mouth fell open a bit. “Only barely, ma’am. It suits her. She’s a beautiful woman.”
My mouth fell open at the sheer courage he had to contradict her without a beat. My chest felt…warm.
“I was just joking.” Mom chuckled with a hand over her mouth, but I knew she felt embarrassed. “It’s sweet that you find her pretty.”
Oh, great, now I would go home and stare at that small bump all day. My nose seemed straight from afar, but if someone looked too closely, then they’d notice it just slightly hooked. It felt so prominent when I was a child, and I’d always wanted a nose job. The moment I moved out, I realized it wasn’t as prominent as I’d been made to believe.
I had enough issues to deal with, and I didn’t need Mom bringing my old insecurities back. I knew coming here had been a terrible idea. If Mom made one more inappropriate comment, I knew I would cry.
“You look upset.” He leaned in and whispered.
“I’d just forgotten what she was like.” I chuckled lightly. “It’s been over a month or so since I was last here. I usually only come to do a routine check-in and head back quickly.”
“I can see that she could be a little…unpredictable.”
“Funnily enough, I still haven’t figured out how to navigate her moods.”
He took a sip of his drink. “If it’s any comfort, she had more good than bad to say about you.”
“I’m aware of her routine.” I smiled. “She doesn’t want to scare off possible suitors.”
He laughed. “So that’s what this is about, huh?”
“I’m just as mortified.”
“Well…” He took a small pause. “I mean, I wouldn’t mind getting to know you. If you’re all right with it, that is.”
I froze in the midst of cutting up my steak, but resumed promptly without missing a beat. “Truthfully, I’m not really looking for anything right now.”
“We could just be friends,” he assured with a smile. “I’m not taking your mother too seriously on her scheme.”
He was humorous and I appreciated it. We talked easily for the rest of the night. His earlier response to Mom made her quite careful with her words. I found out that Marcus Blight had a clinic a little over ten minutes away from my own place. His parents had retired to live in Wisconsin where the rest of his family was and would visit him every few months. He’d surprised them with the cruise after getting a promotion. It was very sweet.
“Think we’ll bump into each other from now on?” he asked as they were getting ready to leave.
“I’m sure,” was my polite reply. “We could do coffee over weekends.”
“That would be great.” He smiled. They all wished us farewell and headed toward their car.
Mrs. Blight made a point to hold my hand and kiss my cheek. “You’re a wonderful young woman, Lilian. I can see you have worked very hard for your success.”
She shook my hand firmly with the kindest look I’d ever received from anyone in my life. I tried not to tear up and thanked her. She then bid my mom a good evening and they were gone.
“So, what did you think?” she chirped as I moved away to gather my things to leave.
“If you want surgery, then use the money I send you,” came my irritated reply. “I’m not looking to marry anyone for benefits.”
“Lilian!” she hissed and grabbed my bicep to turn me around roughly. I snatched back my arm and stared her down. I was half a foot taller than her and didn’t need to cower anymore. I didn’t know what had gotten into me but something about the way Barbara spoke to me gave me a boost of confidence and suddenly I wasn’t afraid to show that I was upset and tired of her antics.
“I only came here to spare you the embarrassment of them realizing you have a daughter that wants to keep you at a distance.” I seethed. I could see her back away slightly at my statement. With a deep breath to smoothen out my glare, I threw my shawl around myself.
“You think that would’ve embarrassed me?” she shot back. “You walked in here in that dress looking like a slut!”
“Me? A slut?” I laughed out loud. “Remind me why Dad divorced you.”
SMACK!
My cheek stung from the impact of her palm. It felt like I had been whacked with a pan, but I honestly didn’t regret saying it one bit. It had been bubbling in my chest for quite a while.
“Let me remind you of your own value, Lilian,” she spat. “All the things you did to bring Mark's wrath upon you.”
“Mark abusing me was his own incompetence as a human being,” I retorted, my voice dangerously calm. “Quite similar to yours in being a parent. I did nothing but love him and try to make him happy. But nothing I did was ever good enough for him, and the same can be said for you to this day.”
“Watch your tongue with me!”
“You abandoned me, Mom.” I scoffed. “You kicked me out when you found out he’d…he’d raped me and left me at his mercy for years. You let him abuse me for years until I almost died. That’s the one time you remembered I was your daughter. That was the one night you truly gave a damn, didn’t you?”
She stared at me silently with rage in her eyes. And I realized how much I resembled her when I looked in the mirror at the end of the day.
It broke me.
I picked up my bag and quickly walked toward the door, scooping up Holly on the way. Cotton whined sadly and Holly barked desperately for her friend. Mom yelled at me to come back, that it was too dark to drive but I ignored it. She pleaded for me to stay, that we could talk it out over dessert, that I barely ever came home. But I had gone deaf with the rage of my blood pumping behind my ears.
There was no home for me here.
“Lilith, please pick up!” Aubrey whined over my landline’s voicemail as I stirred myself some chocolate Nesquik. “Jacque asked me out on a date, and I don’t know what to say. This is big news. Call me back!” She shrieked that last part.I stared blankly at the wall as I stirred, Aubrey’s voice entering one ear and going straight out the other. My mind was as blank as the wall. I needed to gather some thoughts in there, but what was I supposed to think? My mind had shut down. I’d slept well into the afternoon and had yet to even wash my face. I was so glad it was Sunday. By Monday, I would be up and pumping. But right now, I needed to relax.Turning my head around, I had the unfortunate mental capacity to assess my physical state. My face looked dull and stale from over-oxidized foundation, and mascara-stained tear tracks down my cheeks. The eyeliner had spread around my eyes and inspired the inner raccoon to surface. I felt like a raccoon, too. Eating off-brand chips that tasted bland
Coffee with Marcus was great, but it was more than enough energy I had to expend on anyone today. I needed to be alone. And so, I found myself in Central Park on a nice bench by the lake, my journal in hand, tapping my pen against my temple.Cut off Mother for good?When to confront Emily?Continue helping Aubrey?Dinner?“I gotta cut down on takeout.” I sighed to myself and stared at the ducks squawking in the distance and getting in the lake.“Decisions, decisions,” came a dramatic sigh by my shoulder and I screamed, causing the ducks to screech and flutter their wings in panic, soaking any unfortunate passerby with a spray of water.“Jesus Christ, Lilith!” Cristo gasped, having run away to the other side of the bench and grabbing his chest, but then he smirked. “Should I say those names in the same breath?”I rolled my eyes as he straightened and stared up at the sky, making the sign of the cross and putting his palms together. My face felt warm, although I wasn’t sure why.“You th
I hated myself for being there, but honestly, I wasn’t sure where else to go.Therapy, a snide part of myself remarked, but I shook it off. Alex was a good person, understood things and made sure I never dropped off the edge. I was as scared of medication as I was of drugs and Alex was the only barrier between us. I wouldn’t trust anyone else to supply me and keep watch while I consumed it. Alex was trustworthy.The door swung open and I could smell the smoke already.“Aye, Lucifer!”“Lilith,” I grumbled. “Why do you always forget?”“When it hits that good”—She rolled the joint between her fingers—“you don’t need good memory.”I forgot to mention that I had only ever attempted to do drugs once, but I chickened out and ran away. Alex had laughed about it for weeks. I rolled my eyes at her laugh, a deep rumble from her belly. If it wasn’t for her long, messy brown hair, she could’ve easily been mistaken for a teenage boy with that voice of hers.But really, though, she had a terrible me
Aubrey sat patiently before me, but the annoyance rolled off of her in waves. I wondered if it was directed at me, and I wouldn’t blame her because our last conversation hadn’t been the nicest.“I…” she started, but paused and breathed deeply, “I stopped seeing him.”“Is it okay if I ask why?”She seemed nervous, fiddling with her thumbs as if she had a secret too big to bear. Her eyes were red, nose puffy, and cheeks bright with freckles. Aubrey was not okay.“I’m so tired, Lilith,” she whispered while staring blankly at her hands. “So, so tired of not feeling what I want to. What I should.”“And what should you feel?” I tried to sound kind. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what to expect besides more recklessness and demand on her part. I was only here because she paid me for this meeting. As sad as that sounded, that’s just how business worked.At least that’s how I worked.Maybe I had deep-set issues related to money that I should’ve been looking into. Either way, I had to try to care abou
It was a cold Tuesday evening, but the restaurant was pleasantly warm. Emily. Silky brown hair throwing off gold light, center parted, slicked down over the scalp, and clipped back with a pretty brooch. Lips too pink, and eyes too warm for someone who’d let me suffer for years under her son’s thumb. She sat down before me, her skin paler than I remembered. The deep purple dress stood out starkly against her complexion.Oh, no fake tan today.“The ring’s nice,” I commented with a sip of my wine.“His name’s George,” she said carelessly. “He has great taste, doesn’t he?”“Acquired?” I said, boring my eyes into hers.Her gaze was sharp. “You’ve gotten brave.”“Better than being desperate.” I set my wine down gently. “Don’t want anything ruining your big day, I assume?”“It’s been years, Lilian.”She sounded so casual and dismissive.“You think invalidating my pain will get you anywhere?”The waiter arrived, asking for our orders. Emily didn’t have the chance to stare me down as she turne
The keys jingled as I unlocked the door.“I don’t know why but I was expecting a huge place.” Marcus chuckled as we stepped inside. I shed my coat and tossed it onto the stand.“It’s just me.” I sighed and kicked my heels off. “So it doesn’t make sense to have too large a place.”“The interior’s impeccable, though.”“I definitely made a big investment in it,” I agreed. “Make yourself at home. Do you like mint lemonade?”“Sure.”I went into the kitchen quickly without another word, really needing to be away from Marcus. My social battery felt like it would die out completely if I spent another second around him. It would’ve been nice to know he was such a talker. Not that it was a problem, honestly, but there was only so much I could handle after everything that had happened tonight.My gaze dropped to the brown file on the island and I almost groaned. Emily’s profile. Snatching it off the marble surface, I pulled open the trash drawer and stuffed it in. Sliding it shut, I breathed dee
“Lilith!” came Aubrey’s excited squeal as she ran into my office and plopped down onto the seat before my desk. Normally, I’d be quite annoyed, but today I felt all right. “You’ll never guess what happened!”“Not until you tell me, no,” I agreed as I typed away and scanned the data for issues. “Make it quick, though. I have to leave for an appointment in ten minutes.”“I got invited to Fashion Week in South Korea!” she shrieked, jumping around in her seat“Oh, wow, that’s wonderful.” I smiled at her. “The getaway you’ve been looking for, right?”She smacked her hands on the table. “Yes, and I’m taking all my friends with me.”“That sounds like a lot of fun!”“It will be!” she cheered. “You’re coming with me!”I blinked at her, trying to register what she said.“Aubrey, I’m not—”“Please?” She rose from her seat and reached across my desk to grab my hands. “You never take a break from work except on the weekends. It’ll be fun. And South Korea’s amazing with so many other conventions ha
I hadn’t felt so excited for anything in my life. I couldn’t sleep, and I felt a surge of relief flowing through me. No Mom, no Emily, no Marcus. And no Cristo. I could finally catch a break. Aubrey had sent me a list of essentials. Apparently, we’d be heading to a resort there with our very own open pool, which didn’t make sense considering how cold it was starting to get. But I went with it and searched for any bikinis I had. Hmm, I’ll have to buy some, I realized while scanning my wardrobe. I hadn’t visited the beach in ages. I was surprised she was only taking three other people along. I thought Aubrey was the super-social kind. But then again, I didn’t know much about her personal life outside her love life. My phone rang on top of a pile of clothes, and I noticed it was already 4:30 a.m. Aubrey wanted breakfast at the airport before we boarded the private jet, so we could all get acquainted with each other. "Do you want me to pick you up?" read her message. "We’re all carpoo