Chapter 8: Fate and Let Go

“It’s fate. Life and death are in the Almighty’s hands. We can only live and do what we should do. You know if the day wasn’t the time for her to die, even if there was an accident, she would still be alive.”

He didn’t answer at first, but then he sighed. “Yes, it’s possible.... but....”

“Living in guilt won’t bring her back to life.”

“I know, but it’s hard to let the guilt go.” His voice was hoarse. He cleared his throat several times. “I don’t know. Maybe because I have gotten used to carrying the guilt.”

Suddenly, I got an idea. “Close your eyes.”

“What for?”

“Just do it!” I said.

He slowly closed his eyes though he seemed curious about my request.  

“Now imagine Laura is here. What will you say to her?”

He immediately hugged me. “Laura, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I’m so stupid. If I could turn back time, I’d make it up to you. I’m so sorry! It’s just a stupid game. I didn’t mean to be serious with her,” he said. His tears fell to his cheeks.  

“Laura has already rested in peace there. Let her go,” I whispered. “Don’t keep feeling guilty. Let her rest in peace.” 

Edward hugged me more tightly. Then he sobbed. 

It was awkward because I was clueless about what to do. So I patted his shoulder again. 

After five or ten minutes, he stopped sobbing. Later, he released his hug.  

“Are you okay?” I asked. 

He looked a bit embarrassed. After exhaling a long breath, he smiled a little. “You know what? It may be a superstition. Probably the reason I had to be here, in the office, earlier than it should be is so I could meet you.” He was silent for a while. Later, he continued, “For the first time in these two years, I feel … peace ….” His eyes looked elsewhere. “As if Laura were here. I can’t thank you enough. Thank you so much, Lana. Many thanks to you.” He hugged me again. 

“S-sure,” I said, stammering. “I’m happy to help you.” 

“This is the best moment I ever have.” His smile was wider. After a while, he sighed. “You don’t know how torturing it was to feel guilty continuously.”

I nodded, but said nothing. Then he drove again.  

He played the song “Without You” again. In the middle of the song, he said, “This song has a different meaning now. Listening to this song doesn’t make me feel sad and guilty anymore. It makes me feel relieved.”

“Good for you! I’m so happy for you.”

He gazed at me. It was like … I didn’t know. It differed from his usual staring. I wondered again. Could it be that this year my birthday wish came true? What a wish! 

The traffic was crowded, but I didn’t mind at all. We chatted lightly along the way with soft music in the background. It was comfortable. Even if we didn’t arrive at the Steak House, just talking with him was more than enough.  

“How many siblings do you have?” he asked.

“I’m an only child.”

“Ah, I see. Don’t you feel lonely without siblings to fight?”

I chuckled to hear that. “Yes, and no.” I was quiet for a while, stealing a glance to see his face. “Sometimes I feel lonely, especially when I’m sad, and there’s no one to talk to. But then, no, I’m not lonely because I have got used to it. How about you? How many siblings do you have?”

“I see. Well, I don’t know about that. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be an only child. I have three little brothers. We have often fought since we were children. So, there is no loneliness in our family.” He chuckled.

When he laughed, he was more handsome. I let out a sigh. Be still, oh, my heart. My mind kept wandering, but Edward asked for something else. I didn’t pay attention to him. So I was startled when he raised his eyebrow. 

“Lana?”

“Hm? What do you ask?”

“You didn’t hear my question? Are you wandering or sleepy? Probably talking with me is boring, isn’t it?”

“No, not at all!” I rushed to answer him. “You aren’t boring at all. I’m just jealous of you,” I confessed. “I always feel alone. Well, I have my parents, but it would be different if I had siblings.”

He raised his eyebrow with the eyes looked forward. “Everything must have joyful and annoying moments.”

“Really?” I questioned him. “I’m positive that your life must be awesome.” 

“You haven’t walked in my shoes. So you can only see and imagine what you see from the outside.”

I clicked my tongue. “Name three to five unpleasant things in your life. I bet you can’t mention five things.”

He laughed a little though it sounded a bit forced. But then, he said nothing

“See? You can’t answer me.” I felt like I won. 

“No, it’s too much. I find it hard to choose only five. If I must make a list, there will probably be more than a hundred.”

“Okay. So, just mentioning three is a piece of cake, right?” I challenged him again. 

He lifted an eyebrow, then chuckled. “Fine, if you want to know. First, I’m always judged by outward appearance. Either from my last name, my look, or my wealth. When I get to know someone, 90-95% will make fabricated responses when they know I’m from the Johnson family.”

“I don’t get it. What do you mean?”

“They will be nice to me.” His long sigh sounded tired. 

“Isn’t it good?” 

“I haven’t finished yet. If they are truly good, it’s okay. Unfortunately, most of them are only good upfront so they can approach me. Most of them will talk negatively behind my back.”

“Ah, I see now. It’s not nice to be you.”  

“That’s one. If I mention more, I’m sure you don’t want to be me. I’ll mention two others as you asked.” He let out a long sigh. “I’m not free to be myself. You know, I love designing. It’s too bad, I can’t follow my passion. As the eldest son, I have been set before I was born to be the heir of my family business. So, my passion, wishes, and dreams don’t matter anymore.”

I was speechless when I heard what he said. It wasn’t easy to be himself. As a quote said, the grass is greener on the other side. I truly understood it after listening to his story. 

He continued, “I studied in the Business and Management department while I wanted to study in Visual Communication Design (VCD). You know, I got an A+ in Entrepreneurship class back then because in the project class, I did what I wanted to: do” to be a designer.” His eyes looked far ahead. and his lips curved upward. “I accepted requests from people who needed logos for their companies. My professor was amazed to see the designs I created in the task. He even asked me why I didn’t study in VCD?” His eyes were dimmed.