Chapter 9: Because of Him

I was silent, waiting for him to continue his story.  

Again, he let out a long sigh. “You know, after my professor commented on it, I couldn’t sleep that night. So many things whirled in my mind: disappointed, sad, and upset. I didn’t have any freedom, even to choose something I liked.”

I couldn’t find the right words to comfort him. Some of my schoolmates experienced the same thing with him. When obligation and responsibility conflicted with the heart's desire, one had to make a sacrifice. In Edward’s case, he sacrificed his dream. 

After thinking about it, I asked carefully, “Did you regret you couldn’t do what you wanted to do the most?” I didn’t want to hurt him because this kind of question could be like pouring salt on an unhealed wound. 

For so many times, I could hear his sigh. I thought he wouldn’t reply because he was quiet for a while.  

Finally, he answered, “No, it wasn’t a complete regret. I did what I had to do. Besides, everyone is born with a different responsibility.” He looked away. “If I look around, I don’t think I have the right to complain. Each time I’m dissatisfied, I usually meet with people who are much more unfortunate until I’m embarrassed to complain.”

“Like what?”

“In London, I used to walk in the suburbs. Many street musicians would show their expertise there. Not all were jobless. Some were college or university students too. They didn’t have enough money, so besides having a personal loan, they tried to find an additional income. I asked some of them, and they had double jobs. When I found out about it, I was embarrassed because I complained while I had many facilities. Despite not walking the life I wanted, I lived comfortably. It was inappropriate to complain. I was so fortunate compared to them.” 

His words hit me hard. Twice tonight I was embarrassed with myself. My parents never had limited me to be anything I wanted. As their only child, I enjoyed their love. Honestly, many of my friends were jealous of me. They wanted to be an only child too. It was quite unexpected that tonight’s date made me realize something. I complained too much. 

“So? How’s it? Do you think these three are enough?” He chuckled. “Oh, right, you asked three annoying things in my life, right? The third is I find it hard to fall in love.”

I gaped. Luckily, I realized it, so I immediately closed my mouth. “Why? Is it because the women around you are at different levels?”

“No!” he immediately replied. “Wealth and education level aren’t a problem for me.” He was quiet for a while. “The problem is I don’t know if they truly like me or my attributes.”

Attributes? After thinking about it, I asked again, “Ah, so you meant you find it hard to see someone’s sincerity?”

He nodded quickly. “Yes, more or less, that’s what I feel. That’s why I only had a girlfriend—Laura.”

“How old are you?” 

“Thirty-five. You?” 

“Twenty-eight. So, what if you like someone?” I asked him again. “How do you convince yourself that she likes you, and not your wealth or your family background?”

He laughed. Again, he didn’t answer immediately.  

“Sorry, I ask too much.” 

“No.” He shook his head. “You don’t ask too much. I have never been in that situation. Usually they are the ones who chase me. Laura was the only exception. We were in the same social circle. Our families knew each other well. She sparked my curiosity. In the end, I chased her.” He smiled wider because recalling his memory with Laura. 

From his answers and gestures, I finally knew. I was nothing to him. The date was nothing special to him. It was hurtful because realizing it made me feel like someone pinched my heart. So, I sighed, disappointed with my secret wishes.  

“What’s wrong? Are you tired?”

“No.” I thought hard to give him a reasonable reason. “I feel like I complained too much. Also, I haven’t had many achievements.” After a while, I also made a confession, “Even physically, I’m so fat.”

Unexpectedly, he laughed. “Fat? You know what? In London, you are just an average. Maybe you can be counted as a bit thin.”

“I’m fat,” I protested. “You commented like that because you wanted me to feel happy, right?” 

“No, you are beautiful, sexy, and nice. I can’t believe it why women try so hard to torture themselves to be as thin as possible. While the woman’s beauties are in their lovely curves.” He winked.

My heart beat fast to hear that. As if I flew to the clouds in the sky because of his sweet words. “You are good with sweet words.” I giggled. None could deny Edward was sweet.  

He shook his head, but he laughed too with me. “Not at all. But if you’re happy, I’m happy too.”

Then the traffic light was red. The car stopped at the intersection. He glanced at me, then stared, right into my eyes. Slowly, he reached out his hand to hold mine. Squeezing it gently, he said, “You’re beautiful to me.” He sounded sincere. 

I blushed. Being near to a handsome man with sweet words like honey was good for my ego. It spurred my confidence. So, I said nothing, but grinned. 

When seeing my reflection in the mirror, I realized I smiled too widely. That’s why I tried to adjust my lips. But then, I was so happy. My lips curved again a second afterward.

Finally, we arrived at the destination. Astonishingly, I couldn’t remember a lot the rest of the night. The meal was delicious, and the ambience was excellent, but the rest of it was like a glimmer. 

I felt like I was a princess that night. It was because of him. He made me feel special and beautiful. I even forgot about what I feared mostly: my not-ideal body shape and weight. As far as I could remember, I enjoyed the night immensely because I smiled and laughed so much with him.