Chapter 6 - Missing Chances

CLEMENTINE

“Clementine, you got the role!”

I was too stunned to move, let alone say anything. It had been months since I auditioned, and I had let every role go, thinking that maybe none of it was for me.

“It took a while for us to hear from them because they said there was a delay with the production, but now they’re pushing through, and they want you to play Rose. I know it’s not a lead role, but you’ll get a lot more exposure with this one. I’m sure this will open more doors.”

I felt the same enthusiasm when I heard the excitement in my agent’s voice, only for it to end when it hit me.

I looked at myself in front of the mirror, how I’ve gained several pounds and how some of my clothes don’t fit me. More than anything, how noticeable the bump on my tummy is.

“Clementine,” she gently said this time. “You’re going to play the role, right?”

I wanted to say yes. All my life, I had been waiting for this moment and finally had the chance to say yes. My lips were trembling as I forced myself not to say it. I intentionally wanted to say no and decline because that was honestly the only option I had.

Instead, a sigh escaped my lips. My chest felt so heavy, I thought I was going to explode at any moment.

“Sadie…” I began. “I can’t.”

I didn’t know how long it went on, but there was only silence on her side. For both of us, in every universe that we know exists, I said yes to this offer. It would be unimaginable to say no now, and yet here I was, proving that there was still room for that slightest chance of impossibility.

“Are you okay?” she asked. “And I’m not being sarcastic, Clem. I need to know if you’re okay because this… you disappear all of a sudden and suddenly stop auditioning. Are you giving up on this? Because I understand if you’re tired. I really do, but Clementine, you’re so close. Your dreams that once seemed like dreams are now within arm’s reach.”

“I know. I can’t believe it.”

“Then come back here and not only believe it, but freaking do it.”

“No, Sadie. Not right now.”

“Are you sick?” she asked. “Because I can only think of two reasons why you are declining right now: either you’re sick or you’re pregnant.”

I knew she’d find out soon, but I didn’t think Sadie would figure it out this quickly. I couldn’t confirm or deny it to her right now. Maybe soon. She’s one of the very few people I trust, but again, I can’t right now.

“Sorry, someone’s calling me. I’ll have to call you back.”

The phone felt heavier as I ended the call. Feeling weak in my knees, I leaned and reached for the counter. Perhaps I was so distracted that I didn’t notice Sancho rushing to my side to assist me.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.” I tried to smile. “I think I need to rest.”

“Let’s have dinner later?”

“Sure.” I walked away, not wanting to see him or for him to see me. I knew he didn’t do anything wrong, and it was probably hormones. When I feel something like this, like I’m on the verge of doing something I might regret, I walk away.

Instead of staying in Sancho’s room like I usually did for the past six months, I went straight into the guest room and locked the door.

I just got a role… after months and months of auditioning. Someone saw who I am and actually thought I might fit their character. Just thinking about it made me want to cry. I held the tears in, though. I didn’t want to have swollen eyes before dinner because he would know.

If… if only—

I looked outside the window and observed the buildings surrounding me. I started counting my blessings, like how I’m staying in a room I could never afford in my lifetime. I distracted myself because I didn’t want to complete the thought I had earlier.

I promised not to think of the kid negatively. I promised not to hate or blame. I am pregnant because of myself and Sancho… just the two of us.

My hands were shaking. I promised not to force myself to have some sort of special connection, but I was stressed. I guessed the baby was also stressed. I wouldn’t want that. I carefully placed my hand on my belly and recalled the sound of the baby’s beating heart.

I am usually not a fan of music, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how it was the most beautiful melody I’ve ever heard.

“I got a role, baby,” I shared. I felt so comfortable talking to him even when it was only me speaking. “I’ve been auditioning for months and heard nothing back. But now… they want me. I still can’t believe it.”

It is a big movie by a well-known writer and director. That alone, even without a lead role yet, is promising—something I would gush about as someone basically relying on pure luck.

This is my once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

And the chance is gone before I even have the chance to prove myself.

I bit my lower lip until I tasted blood. No, I am not blaming the baby, but I’m scared he could read my mind because I am blaming myself for being in this situation. I shouldn’t have met Sancho. I shouldn’t have looked his way when we met.

All of a sudden, I was unable to move. I felt something strange in my stomach, like butterflies. Then I felt it again. I placed my palm where the kicking came from.

“Sorry,” I cried, feeling the kick for the first time. “Sorry, baby. Of course, it’s not your fault.”

Because it’s mine. It’s all on me.