Feel Right

TIANA

Once we passed the threshold an unsettled feeling, crept in causing a sudden chill up my spine. Still, I dragged my lead feet into the dark house choosing to ignore the feeling that something was amiss- only to jump in surprise to find the light suddenly on to reveal the smiling faces of a few friends and people we considered as 'family'.

"Surprise!" they all yelled, I felt my heart rapidly beat against my ribcage reacting to the noise.

I relaxed slightly moving further into the room once I realized there was no danger awaiting us. And nodded my head acknowledging the congratulations sent my way at surviving the hardships that came with school. Janet and Rita even came causing a genuine smile to break out on my ruby coloured lips.

However, the smile failed to last long at the sight of Nathan's face amongst the sea of people. It had been a while since I last sat down and spoke to him and considering how close he was with my brother, he had in turn become a brother to me. Such that once Tim died I blocked him out. But it was too hard to face him even after all this time the minute I noticed him coming towards me, I moved away. A cowardly move- I know but Tim's death took a lot out of me including the plans we had made sitting under the stars, boasting about the fortune that was sure to come our way.

And yet, ever since we laid him to rest I couldn't necessarily explain what it was. A burning ache erupted in my chest such that I wanted to do everything in my power to stop others from experiencing what I went through and nothing was going to stop me.

Nothing.

And though my mother hoped the little celebratory party would distract me, I found myself drifting amongst the people. Nodding, listening half-heartedly with mild interest.

My mind drifting aimlessly whilst my eyes every so often would shift to the clock on the wall wondering how much longer I had to wear this faux smile.

But as life had proven to me time and time again the unfair game it was playing, I found my smile dropping at the sound that met my ears.

No. . . .

My heart dropped to the very pits of my stomach once the melodious sound of TLC's Waterfalls began blasting through the speakers.

That used to be our song.

The song had barely reached the chorus yet I already felt claustrophobic. Unable to breathe at the goofy memories that song held of Tim driving around the neighbourhood to wind down time whilst I sat in the backseat singing along.

No!

No!

No!

I had to escape-

Dismissing myself- blinking away the pain was futile as I pushed through the people ignoring the laughter bouncing off the walls.

Hands sweating

Knees weak

I had to get out!

Slamming the door shut behind me, I pressed my back firmly against it to stop myself from collapsing on the floor in tears.

One would think being in his old room would only increase the anguish I felt, yet surprisingly as I took in the room I felt myself oddly growing calmer with each second I spent in here taking deep breaths through my nose. A tactic I developed when I began having that dark dream.

I hadn't planned on ever entering this room again.

Still my body moved around the room taking in the bare grey walls that had been stripped of his identity except for the brown boxes.

It was strange seeing his whole life reduced to boxes.

My mother had yet to find the time to throw out his stuff or donate them. In a way throwing out his things would make the reality all the more profound- all the more real that he was gone.

And admit a form of defeat.

I took a seat on the bed, releasing a sigh whilst taking the time to close my eyes for a second. Trying to imagine he was still here. That his voice was bouncing off these walls making the foundation of the house shake from his infectious laugh.

Falling short when unsurprisingly I'm met with the deafening silence I open my eyes that landed on a box that sat directly in front of me labelled Tim's books causing a sad smile to break out on my lips.

One of the things I admired about Tim was his ability to appreciate literature. As a child he preferred novels over the latest toy and spent countless hours in his room reading. It came as no surprise when he expressed wishes of becoming a writer and being the supportive sister I was, I always loved reading his short stories.

Anything he wrote, I read.

Standing up, I opened the box to be met with the sight of books ranging from Virginia Woolf to Maya Angelou. Sifting through the books my hand immediately stopped once I caught sight of a bundle of pages joined together haphazardly that had the words Tim's Poetry Book written on the first page.

I never knew he wrote poems and this had me intrigued as I retook a seat on the bed. Planning to flip through it, the knock on the door halted any further movements on my end as I looked up to find the smiling face of my mother peeking from behind the door.

"You okay?" she asked walking into the room. She joined me on the bed quietly and took notice of what I had in my hands.

"He never allowed anyone to read it. Anytime I asked why, he always said the only other time anyone else would ever lay eyes on it. . . would be when the words themselves were finally perfect," she whispered as she breathed out," the night he passed, he had finally given it to me to read before he tried to publish it." She ran a hand over the front cover delicately tracing over each typed word.

"Mom. . ." I muttered whilst she shook her head causing the words to make a home in my throat as a sob broke out from her trembling lips.

"I still c-can't get myself to read it. Anytime I look at it. . . I-I just-"

"Let me keep it then," I blurted out.

"I don't mind taking it off your hands- besides reading his work always cheered me up," I continued clutching the manuscript against my chest as if it was the most precious thing in this world.

"O-Okay," she sniffled nodding her head frantically," okay," she said once again as she stood up and rubbed her hands against her pants.

She moved towards the door and just before she left she turned and muttered," May be at some point in this lifetime, we'll see the positive in why he had to be taken in such a way."

Without another word she closed the door quietly behind her, leaving me to digest her words.

I can't wait to reach that point too, mama.

***

Stepping into the cool evening air, the sky drenched in an unsettling darkness with none of its alluring diamonds on its face I rubbed my arms gently nodding a simple goodbye to the few guests. I had spent a bit more time than I intended  to in his room and once I had garnered enough strength to make an appearance and seem okay.

"Whoever thought little T would be on her way to becoming a criminal lawyer," came an all too familiar voice. I turned to find Nathan making his way towards me with a warm smile.

Chuckling awkwardly at the sudden realisation I couldn't avoid him, I squared my shoulders knowing I had to at least give a kind smile his way.

"Your habit of underestimating me is getting old along with that stupid nickname," I responded keeping my tone light. I clenched my fists, refraining from the temptation to smack him when he ruffled my hair as if I were a child. Seeing the irritation on my face he laughed showing no intention of apologizing.

"Given the way you've been avoiding me, I think I have a right to treat you like this."

Looking away at the sudden feeling of guilt and anxiousness I shuffled on my feet fighting the unconscious habit I had developed to run away from all my problems." Nat-"

"It's okay; I know that things will never be the same. I mean technically speaking Tim was the glue holding us together," he chuckled but I could tell it was forced.

"Please... don't say it."

"Say what?"

"That you're sorry. It has been years Nathan, it's not your fault that you weren't there," I said stepping forward to nudge his arm gently to get him to look me in the eye. I knew he felt guilty for not being there, I felt guilty about it as well.

A part of me wished I had been with him.

"You keep saying that- which I appreciate. But let's be real he should've been here to see his little sister all grown up."

"Is that why you didn't come to see me graduate?"

He nodded timidly, shuffling on his feet." I wasn't sure if you'd want me there. Ever since the. . . the incident you kind of went ghost on all of us. And with the way you acted back in there I thought you. . ." he paused releasing a heavy sigh," I though you hated me."

My face dropped and if I never saw myself painted myself in the colours of malignance I did now hearing those words slip past his lips. I felt terrible knowing I made him and his family feel that way especially after all they had done.

"I'm sorry Nathan-"

"No its fine," he replied lifting his hands prohibiting me from finishing my apology," I completely understand, there are no hard feelings on our end."

I wanted to say more but seeing how calm he was had me changing the words I initially wanted to utter and wound up saying," Well just know you will always be family to us. And I would have loved to hear you cheering me on."

His face brightened slightly when he heard how genuine I was and I felt relieved," How was your graduation?"

I shrugged carelessly; it felt like any other day in a way. As much as I was a step closer to my dream, a part of me was too focused on the missing face.

"I tried to be happy but I was too caught up wondering how today would've been like if he was here."

"I do know that your brother would've been proud of you, seeing you get up on that stage," he muttered staring at me. I smiled, appreciating his best efforts to cheer me up.

But we both knew it just didn't feel right.

And under the dim lighting coming from that of the street lights on the steps of my home, I wasn't sure if anything would ever feel right again.